July 9 - Learning to Chill

I do not usually post photos of myself, except when you can't really see my face. This is one of those. When I accepted this job to come teach here in Bergerac, my friend said to me - you will learn how to be a rower and then Ali (Alpheus, my boss technically) will make a champion out of you. I squirmed. Being on the water, in a boat - let's rephrase that, in a very small boat, with 90% chances you you tipping in as you're learning the sport - is not my cup of tea. I have my Digestif tea again beside me today btw. 

I have feared a waterbody for as long as I have known. I think that fear deepened as I grew to be an adult and even though I know how to swim, when I am out in an open body of water, I freeze. I forget all of my swimming skills and in that moment of panic I begin to drown. Unless someone comes to my rescue chances are I would drown - or actually maybe in that moment when I really need to survive and there is no other way - I might make it through - and in fact I did. 

When I was in the Maldives, for a solo I need to do something with my life trips,  I wen t snorkelling and that is literally the only thing i would do in an ocean that does not freak me out - mostly because I stay very very close to the shore. But also because I can see the ocean floor. The fact that the water is clear and I can see sand and other gorgeous beings and sunlight is pouring in is somehow immensely re-assuring. Since I was alone, I had to go out snorkelling alone. When you're doing something so mesmerising it's almost like you are in a time wrap and you also forget where you are and how far you've drifted. I had, to my immense fear, drifted far away from the shore - it still wasn't deep water, I couldn't touch my toes but I could see the floor. But going back in meant I had to swim in the ocean. And for a second I froze, I didn't know what to do. There was no one around and all I had on me were my snorkelling goggles and a two piece. After the initial panic ended, I calmed down and slowly got back to memory the swimming stroke. Asked my body to follow instructions and very gently stroke by stroke reached to a point from where I could walk to the shore, and then continued snorkelling and drifted off (thankfully not too far this time around). Because I had to save myself and there was no one around, I did it. I still think of that as one of my super achievements in life - because only i know what conquering that fear and bring logic and rationality back to my brain and body, meant to me.

With that background, my friend was telling me to sit in this tiny boat with two blades and row backwards. I rolled my eyes and said "of course  i will take this as an opportunity to learn to row", while internally telling myself "she knows I am lying right now, I am definitely not going to do anything as stupid as that". My job was to teach yoga. Yes it is teaching yoga to rowers - but that does not mean I need to go out in the boat on the water with them. Right? Sadly, my friend had more faith in me than that and in fact had more faith in Ali and so turns out I can now row. With support - as the picture above shows - but hey! I got the technique and sequence, as soon as I am comfortable, I shall take the floats off and behave like an actual rower.

Now oceans will help you float and if I see the ocean floor I feel a lot calmer. Rivers and lakes on the other hand and extremely misguiding. As much smaller water bodies you would expect that my associated fear would be much smaller. Sadly not. My fear magnifies the smaller a water body gets. Lakes and rivers also have the terrible quality of suddenly becoming very deep with no warning and they are usually not clear with a sandy floor with sunlight pouring in right through. The fact that i can not see the floor and the colour of the water is dark green or blue instead of gorgeous acquamarine freaks me out even further. My mother thinks this fear might have a genetic connection since she herself is extremely scared of water bodies. I think that might be a possibility, but the fact that I almost drowned in a lake in Ooty might have something to do with it.

Whatever the reason, I unfortunately remain afraid. I do have the intention to get rid of the fear though. I want to be able to feel free swimming in the ocean/river/lake and maybe even learn how to scuba dive! Ok, i know i took that too far. But see I learnt how to row - anything is possible.

When I arrived here in Bergerac, Ali kept telling me he is going to get me out on the water. I kept shyly nodding and telling him we shall do it one day when we weren't that busy. He agreed and instead asked me to learn the sequence on an indoor rowing machine. One of our other friends, Deborah, very patiently taught me the sequence, gave me lovely tips that i still keep in mind when I am out on the water. I grew comfortable with more training and started entertaining the idea of being on a boat. The Dordogne river in Bergerac in calm and still almost 99% of the time. There isn't a single ripple on the water. One day, when it was very windy & cold and the water was rough and choppy, Ali announces in the kitchen to another friend Jeremy "today we will take Nayana out on the water". I balk at the idea - the weather is crazy, trees are swaying outside and you can hear the wind roar outside and I think to myself "either this a joke to freak me out or pull my leg or this man is crazy." It turns out Ali was crazy, because he wouldn't take no for an answer. He pulled out his phone checked the weather app - the weather was getting a little better in 40 minutes and he thought we should use that window for a first boat experience on the water. He assured me we wouldn't be out more than 15 minutes.

I have no idea why or how I agreed. The baguette that morning might have been extra nice or I must have smeared extra butter on it. I went down to the boat room at Ali's place, he gave me my blades, I wore my boots and we walked across his garden to the river. Jeremy walking along with me says to me "so have you decided who you are leaving your laptop to?" and I laughed, but I was actually crying inside. I must have been shivering - more from the fear than from the wine and cold I am sure.   I trudged along to the riverside, the boys helped set up a double for Ali and me (of course I was not going out alone on a boat by myself!) and they helped me in, handed me the blades, Ali sat behind me and off we went. I had to tell myself to calm down the minute Jeremy pushed us away from the bank. The weather was still pretty harsh - it was not as crazy as it had been an hour earlier, but it also was not the perfect stillness on the river I was used to seeing - and stuff that made for perfect rowing conditions. not today the weather gods/goddesses had decided.

Ali asked me to calm down (not that i was screaming my head off in the boat) and remember the sequence I had learnt on the machine. I tried to remember the stroke and did the whole prep drill before a full row and then started to row, it was exhilarating. I could feel the boat move beneath me and I was making it move, of course Ali was balancing the boat for me but just moving the blades along felt so good. I tried not to look down into the river and to be fair we did not venture crazy far from the house anyway. 

Overall it felt great to be out and Ali was lovely, he wanted me to do more on the water and try out a few other moves, but after overcoming immense stress and fear and stepping into that boat and rowing a few strokes, I was exhausted and I really just wanted to be out. Also the wind that started to pick up and the river was getting rough again and since Ali was the only one balancing the boat we decided to head back in.

I swear, I was so happy I would have opened a bottle of champagne each of us. I have since then graduated to being out on a boat myself, albeit with floats. My technique is a lot better, I learnt to enjoy the sport, find the connection of the boat with the water and actually look around and see the gorgeous beauty around me.

The picture above is one of me sitting and chilling watching birds and the sky, taking a break. Which is an art I was always good at, but an art I am learning to appreciate now and an art I can do without any expectations or boundaries. The freedom that this year and the previous year has brought me is unprecedented and it adds so much value and peace in my life. I sometimes wonder how I did what I did when I had a "proper" job. This picture is also me trying to overcome my fears, with help and support of friends, mentors and coaches and also the floats. Over the last few weeks, a lot of rowers have come by here and every time I head out with them, I head out on my boat with floats. And I am not ashamed at all. It is just where I am in life right now. Every one has their individual journeys - and a huge part of my journey is just stepping in that boat! And one day, inshallah, i shall overcome my fear and get into a boat that has no floats. Until then, I am going to take all the support I can and chill.

Bonne Nuit.