Zindagi Migzara.

As I dimmed the lights of my room last night, Singapore's hot and humid air changed to a gush of strong cold wind. The curtains fluttered and made my ddlj cow bells ring. I turned and stared at them for a long time. 

I readjusted the laptop on my bed and plonked myself against two big pillows. My eyes closed themselves. There was a silence that was neither deafening nor lonely. It was just what silence is meant to be.... silent. And my curtains moved again, moving the bells with them. The bells took me back to Shahrukh and his movies. I opened my eyes and looked at those bells for a long long time. My mom had picked them up from Switzerland for me. I thought of her and teared up. I wanted her now. I wanted her touch. It was 10pm at home in India and at this time, after dinner and closing the kitchen, my mother, takes a shower. She comes out of the bathroom, and brings with her a waft of her talcum powder and her body lotion. That fragrance can make you forget all your worries in the world. It's like nothing matters in life, but the fact that whatever happens, you will always have her. Im usually on the bed sitting and watching TV. She comes in and asks me to move and her warm body touches mine and curl up, like how I must have in her womb. I love her, my mother. 

I want her today. I want her to shout at me, scream at me, maybe even not talk to me for sometime. But I just need to feel her presence. I need to know she is there.

I wipe the tears off my face and close my eyes again. As I listen to the sounds of the night, I think about where I am, what I've bought upon myself. What I've done to the people I love. I am awaiting a phone call. A call that is going to change life as i know it. It will change all the million things i've grown up believing, loving, hating and criticizing.

When I was in college, I was up at 4 am one night studying for a pathetic game theory paper the next day and i wasn't getting it. I would fail for sure in that exam. And that fear made me go to my parents room and lie across the bed and hold their feet and sleep like that for a little while. I got out only when my dog also decided to join in on the family hug. But that again made me feel like, they are there for me. I failed that exam, but didn't care. 

I would fail that exam ten times over now, to get away from where I am and where I've put myself. I want to reach out to so many people, I want to say so many things. I am trying to think of what song to play on my laptop. I suddenly want to get rid of the silence, there are voices in my head. And I need to make them stop. I look at my phone, try calling him again. His voice mail comes back up and asks me to leave a message. 

I think of people who love me, and people I love. And I want to reach out to all of them all at once and keep them close. I want a familiar smell, a sound I recognize, a face I know. I close  my eyes tightly and hug myself and rock myself. And decide to sing to myself. 

Jag re gudiya

Misri ki pudiya

Meethe lage do naina

Nainon mein tere 

hum hi base the

hum hi base hain haine

oh re raani gudiya jag ja

arre jag ja

My AC is not on and it's still cold. What's happening to the weather in Singapore. I hug myself tighter, but as much as i can protect myself from the cold, the chill from the depths of my stomach, the aches of my heart and the numbness of  my mind are not helping.

Jo chahe le lo

dasrath ka vaada 

Nainon se kholo ji raina

What have I done. Who is this person. I don't know her. Tell her to leave me. And my life alone. Tell her I need to go back to believing in my world. Where are the colors? where is the music? I haven't prayed to God in so long. But it's so difficult to hide from him. I pick up my 

Ganesha statue and hold it tight in my fist and start praying. Where is this calm coming from? I suddenly think of my grandfather and feel like singing with him again

Lag ja gale

ki phir yeh haseen raat

ho na ho

shayad phir is janam mein

mulaqaat ho na ho

We used to sing it together. He would get irritated at my high pitch in the second stanza. I try to get it right this time around, maybe he is watching me from heaven and will forgive me for what I've done, if I sing one of his favorite songs right.

Humko milli hain aaj yeh

ghadiyaan naseeb se

jee bhar ke dekh le jiye

humko kareeb se

phir aapke naseeb mein

yeh raat ho na ho

shayad phir is janam mein

mulaqaat ho na ho

I want to write, but I don't have words. Why are they not coming to me. My words have never failed me. Why are they doing this today. 

Paas aayiye

ki hum nahi 

aayenge baar baar

bahein gale mein daalke

hum ro le zaar zaar

aankhon se phir yeh pyaar ki barsaat ho na ho

shayad phir is janam mein 

mulaqaat ho na ho  

I am now in Coorg. Sitting with Thatha on the porch. He is looking at me and smiling. I never get the "mulaqaat" bit right he says. I feel like hugging him. I get up to go sit right next to him and then I hear the ddlj bells, and wake up.

What have i done. 

What would Shah have done in my place. A myriad thoughts come in my head. These scenes from his movies start floating in and out. 

On one bench scene, he says 

"Hum ek baar jeete hain, ek baar marte hain, shaadi bhi ek baar karte hain, aur pyaar  ek baar hi hota hain" 

Then it jumps to another bench scene, where he says  

"hum khush hain, humne apni duniya" 

"Nahi dhoondogi, to nahi milegi" 

" kaisa pyaar?"

 And then it drifts to another bench scene, and i hear him say 

"Zindagi mein kuch banna ho, kuch jeetna ho, kuch haasil karna ho to hamesha apni dil ki suno. Aur agar dil jawaab  na aaye, toh apni aaknhein bandh karke apne ma aur paapa ka naam lena"

And then finally i see him saying " i love you naina"

It makes me want to cry. I try to find meaning in what I saw and try to get answers for my questions. I drift off into sleep. That man's eyes say so much. I wonder if he feels that moment when he is acting. It has to come from somewhere right? The glint, those tears, that passion, that joy and those sorrows. They have to come from somewhere. I find myself asking him what to do in my sleep, I am waiting for him to answer, he doesn't. 

Life has come so far, so far away from his movies, from him, from his songs, from what he says. Everyone was right, maybe i was foolish. And then i see a train station. The train is pulling away and Shah is on the platform. That's not right, he should be on the train. That's how DDLJ was. Who is at the door then? Whose eyes am I looking through. The train pulls away and he is walking away. And then he turns and runs towards me to try and stop me. He is calling out and he is running to get me. The station starts filling up with everyone I've known in the last 5 years of my life away from home. They are all standing and watching me leave. 

I am crying again. I wake up now. I look at my phone. 40 min nap. and so much happened in my head. Suddenly my head fills up with the instrumental of "Tere Liye" from Veer Zaara. My mother and I danced to that after my 12 Std board exams. It was so nice. Maths that was my last exam. 2005. I came back home at 1:00pm. She made me chai and then I put this on blast in my room and I danced. The maid looked at us and laughed. and we laughed. We laughed, because we were so happy. I was so happy.

I look at the phone again. Anytime now, I say to myself. I am suddenly hungry. I get up and make myself horlicks. I first think about making Chai, someone once said to me "There's no worry in the world that a cup of chai can't solve" I think of her and smile. And then I cry. For what I've done to her. I make myself a hot cup of horlicks and get back to my room. 

There is a sense of someone's presence in the house, but I feel that when there is so much wind and the windows are open. My roommate is out travelling, I wish I  could go sleep with her in her bed. But that won't do. People can't always shelter me. 

I put down the cup of horlicks and my phone rings.