I made khichdi for dinner today and it was the most beautiful thing I have eaten in a very long time. I don't often praise my own cooking, but the minute i tasted this khichdi as soon as I had opened the pressure cooker, i closed my eyes and sighed as though I had tasted heaven.
Khichdi is such a great analogy for life no? A little bit of this and a little bit that, a little sweet, a little salty, a little spicy, bring everything to a boil & cook and the result is a mash looking mixture which tastes divine. And only the one who eats that dish will know the beauty of it, for from the outside it doesn't look appealing at all, no matter how you dress it up. My twenties have taught me a very difficult lesson and that is to enjoy experiences in my life - good, bad, ugly, sad, mad - those that teach you lessons, and those that just simply don't seem to mean anything at all when they are happening. And attached to this is the lesson to not compare your life to someone else's. Which well, is such a difficult thing to do, especially in today's day and age. I still remember the time Facebook started becoming popular in India and also when I started to use it a lot after I had moved to Hyderabad for my job. I was addicted to it, as were we all. And in time I realised how amazingly bad it was for me. I of course looking back, blame myself and Facebook both. I didn't have the emotional maturity to handle all that exposure and information about what all of my friends were doing, where they were going on vacations, which parties they were invited to, how much they loved spending time with their partners. I compared my very quiet and non-fun existence to their obviously more colourful ones. And so i quit Facebook. I didn't see the point of it and the minute I got off it, i was a lot more happier. It took many years post that to be comfortable and secure in my own life and with my own choices, but quitting Facebook was one of the first steps I took towards that.
Even today, when i am forced to log into Facebook because I need to look at something, I cringe, I log in, do what I need to do and then shut it down. It bothers me immensely that restaurants and other businesses these days do no invest on a website and would rather be contacted through facebook. I find it supremely lazy - but I guess it makes economical sense to not waste money on a website when all everyone wants to see and be on is Facebook. And then they made Instagram and then this SnapChat - if I could roll my eyes for eternity, I would. Everyone seems to only live for these and on these apps now. But i also know that my dislike for these apps/platforms is a very personal - there's a lot of people who still use these apps and some are very close friends of mine, and I have to live with that. I genuinely sometimes believe i was born too late - im too old a soul for this world. Well well.
Anyway, back to khichdi. So when I look back at my twenties, there is a little bit of peas and beans and carrots and a few green chillies as well, sometimes it's salty but sometimes I bite into a piece of cardamom and the flavours thrill me. It is as life should be - a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. But I can only say all these things looking back, I can only now look back at a certain relationship and be "oh thank God that didn't work out" or ponder over an interview i didn't crack and think "what imagine how different my life would have been, Im glad that didn't happen." Things always seem clearer and fit into a bigger picture when you look at it in the rearview mirror. Because when you are living them, you are so involved in feeling all that emotions associated with that particular person or situation, there is hardly any room for objectivity. Now looking back, I can say I'm glad I didn't start that cupcake shop back then, or think about the guy I almost married and know that we would have been a terrible fit for each other. There's a pattern to life, but this is a pattern I only see now.
I will speak in depth about some of these patterns, but today I will speak about friends. A very close friend of mine told me, "you seem to have immense issues with all your friends because you expect the world from them, the secret of maintaining good and steady friendships is to not have any expectations." That made some amount of sense then, still does now. But for the life of me, I can't not have expectations from my friends - what's the point of being friends with people then? But it's true that I am terrible at maintaining friendships. It doesn't help that I suck at keeping in touch as well. Invariably throughout my twenties, I have had issues with all my friends. With someone, I have managed to resolve those issues and get back to being ok and hanging out again, and with many others, I have lost connection and frankly not bothered to pick the thread back up again because I simply, very bluntly, don't care enough about them. When my boyfriend and i broke up, most of our friends took sides - and they sided with him - for i was obviously in the wrong. And that I totally understand - but these were also the people i had spent the early years of my twenties with and to lose all of those connections was hurtful, for a while and then I got very used to not having them in my life. Those who stayed from that time until now are friends I will keep for life and weirdly with them keeping in touch doesn't seem like an effort, it flows naturally. Even if we haven't spoken for a month of two or three, when we do speak we are totally ok. Singapore, kind of sucks for friendships - people come and people go and people have their own priorities. I was hardly the party on fridays, be hungover on saturdays and meet up for brunch on sundays kind of person - so invariably I did a lot of hanging out by myself or with the few friends who didn't live that lifestyle. I am also immensely sensitive and immensely non-confrontational. So if there is an issue, i will most probably not bring it up unless it is bothering me a lot and even then I would rather distance myself from that person or situation instead of trying to solve it. It's a problem, i know. And it's a problem, I am only now slowly trying to recognize in myself and maybe one day I will try to solve it as well.
I recently said to Adithya, i hate networking. and I genuinely mean it. It drains my immensely. Even when I am spending time with my close friend and family - after a while I want to be left alone. So if you put in a room full of strangers and ask me to try and make "connections" I will hate you and i will hate myself for the entire duration of that torture. As much as I say Singapore is pathetic for making friend and maintaining friendships, it's also because I haven't made the effort. Although, I'm not the only one who says that about Singapore - so even if you remove my introversion from the equation, Singapore is still a bit meh. A friend of mine had described introverts as people who best regain their energy from spending time alone and extroverts when they spend time with other people. I could not have put it in better words. 2 hours, 3 max and 4 only if there is some really good wine - post that parties are just an absolute drag for me. So chances are new friends are hard to come by. Someone once suggested I should try these meet-up groups to go meet people, I am sure I stared at them so hard that they shut up.
Wow, I make myself sound pretty bad eh - can't maintain old friendships, can't make new ones. I make an effort if I genuinely like spending time with people. When I was in Singapore, one evening I sat down and realised i can not live my life alone and so I picked up my phone, opened Whatsapp, looked up all the people I really like spending time with and messaged them. I fixed a time for coffee or a walk or brunch and then promised myself to not cancel on them as the day nears. And I kept all those appointments and had a good time (2 hours of chatting with great coffee and food!). It was fun to do -but i have to be in a very specific kind of mood to do that. When I look back at this pattern of friends there's many things the twenties have taught me.
First, keep the few friends I have from school and college close. These have stood the test of time and i connect with them on a very raw level. They have grown up with me, they understand my eccentricities, they get the mad indian girl in me. We connect on a very growing up in the 90s in India level. It's rare to have that and i am glad I have that with a bunch of people. These are also not necessarily the bunch that i talk to everyday, but when i do we can start sharing stories as though we've kept in touch regularly/
Second, trust my intuitions. I have strong feelings about certain things and certain people. Except in romantic situations when i invariably have strong positive feelings about the man I love even if there are warning sirens blowing right in my ears. I do not organically like a lot of people. I know, i know, it's a terrible thing to say but from the 10 people i meet, I will live say 40% of them, on a good day 50%. The rest I don't like not because these poor souls have done me wrong in any way, but just because i don't get a good "feeling" or "vibe" or "sense", call it what you may, I just know that we won't be very good for each other or that this person is going to irritate the hell out of me. And every time I have neglected that intuition and gone ahead and trusted these individuals, I have invariably been hurt or there have been problems and the friendships haven't lasted.
Third, constantly clear your space and cut junk out of your life. I am anyways very very selective about who I keep in touch with. I am not on facebook and if you aren't very close to me, chances are your Whatsapp messages will either never be replied to or will get a reply many months later. I find too may people too chaotic. It's too much noise in my head. And especially if there are folks I particularly don't like and yet have to maintain a kind of professional attitude, the negativity that I attach to the situation poisons me. Now I know this is on me and in no way on the other person, but the minute i start feeling crowded or negative in my head or bones, I either step back or i cut the person. I cleanse all the time and do friendships purges constantly. I don't give people more than 3 chances and I am very brutal about it. It's the one thing i think I do well. Except with men, sigh. If only this sill extending to other aspects of my life, I'd be a superwoman, I'd write a book similar to Mari Kondo. But alas.
Fourth, I recognize and respect the fact that I like to be alone, which in no way means I am lonely. But i love spending time with myself, so I set boundaries very clearly. I do not go out on Sunday nights, unless it a very special occasion. Post 5pm, sundays are for me to get myself out of the sheer depression of having to go back to work the next day. I make myself a lovely dinner, I pour myself a glass of wine or make myself some chai, i put on a good movie or I read a book or I paint. But I don't step out of the house - even to do my own chores. Most of my friends know this. Much later in my twenties did I realise that i do not have to drink to keep up with folks in the party or to have fun. When I don't want to drink I don't and more and more now, unless I am with very specific people, I don't drink - i just don't enjoy it as much. And that's a boundary I set for myself.Most of my friend know that as well. So if they are going to go out drinking and then to a Karaoke bar, i will not get invited because they know asking me will yield the same answer.
Fifth, there are certain things I definitely like doing alone or again with very specific people. Like travel. There are literally three people in the world I can travel with. The rest will just make it useless experience. So i travel alone most times. And i love it. The only time I wish i was with other people when travelling is when I have to eat alone - more people means more dishes to try. I'm kidding, I love discussing food with people, so eating alone is never fun. I am also very moody and a lazy kind of a traveller. If I am not in the mood, the Eiffel tower can beckon all it wants and I will still not go. Ticking things off my a list is not my thing to do when I travel - unless it's a list of restaurant I need to eat at definitely. I love roaming around aimlessly, I love stopping by random cafes for a coffee, I love getting lost and freaking out only when it starts becoming dark or when my phone starts to lose battery. And I constantly change plans. There's very few people I can do this with. And so I am not afraid to say no, when other folks ask me if they can join me on a vacation, even if it is a short weekend trip to Bali.
I am sure there's many more things I have learnt from my experiences with friends in my twenties but these are the top things I can think of now. I have lost more friends than I have made in my twenties, but that is totally ok with me. My ability with being ok by myself, sometimes scares me and propels me to go "meet" people and then I hate the experience so much, I come crawling back to my shell and tell myself never again. I mostly enjoy the company of close friends and even that in small groups of 3-4 people. Anything more and I start losing interest. This maybe also comes from my job, I used to have to problem-solve for people all the time and had people talking to me all the time and had people messaging me on work chat all the time, that by the time I went home, I didn't want to talk to a single soul. Maybe it's good that i didn't have a family to take care of, but then maybe they would have been my elixir. Who knows, its a path i never travel on so i would never know!
Many topics within this one post - from my love for khichdi, to how life is like one, to my dislike for Facebook and Instagram to Friendship - both weak and strong. At the end of my twenties, I am a lot more comfortable with not having ten thousand people to go party with every weekend, and I am also more comfortable telling people what I like and what I don't like and meeting them halfway. What i need to get better at is confronting people when something has hurt me. Got some work for the Thirties, so I have ten more days to push things under the carpet until I have to start addressing issues - growing up is tough!
I will end this post with these words by Merly Streep that ring true for me at this stage of my life and hopefully will only be stronger going forward:
I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I have become arrogant, but simply because
I reached a point in my life where i do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, extreme criticism or demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.....
Meryl Streep
Comments
Post a Comment