Hyderabad

आजा सनम
मधुर चांदनी  में
हम तुम मिले
तोह वीराने में भी
आ जायेगी बाहार
झूमने लगेगा  आसमान
झूमने लगेगा  आसमान

कहता हैं दिल
और मचलता हैं दिल
मोरे साजन
ले  चल मुझे तारों के पार
लगता नहीं हैं दिल यहाँ
लगता नहीं हैं दिल यहाँ

~~Chori Chori
~ Hasrat Jaipuri

Rajiv Gandhi International Airport. Meru Cabs. Masab Tank. Banjara Hills. Sandarshini Hotel. Karachi Bakery. Taj Banjara. Paradise Biryani. Charminar. Shadaab. Jootis. Bangles. Secunderabad. Begumpet. Mirchi Ka Salan. City Center. Khubani Ka Meetha. Kabsa Laham. GVK One. Inox. PVR. Hyderabad Central. Sahib Sindh Sultan. Paan. Salar Jung. Nanking. Kondapur. Urban Asia. Juice Salon. Blue Heaven Chinese Parlour. Rd No 10, Rd No 11, Rd No 12. Jubilee Hills. Cinemax. Creamstone. Cocos. Nagarjuna circle. KBR Park. Adilaxmi Enterprises. Erramanzil. Asaf Jahi Towers. Star Hospital. Southern Food Center. Fusion 9. Osmania Biscuits. Beam Telecom. Crosswords. NKM Grand Hotel. Care Hospital. Necklace Road. Chutneys. Aiyappa Soceity. Taj Krishna. Taj Deccan. Madhapur. Willy Wonka.

February 21st, Friday 2014 my flight landed at Rajiv Gandhi International Airport. I had spent the previous day, Feb 20th, Thursday in extreme anxiety. I was thrilled at going back to the only other city i considered home in India after Delhi. But I was also apprehensive about the places I will revisit, the people I might meet and the memories both of these will bring. I usually suffer from extreme travel anxiety and my additional fears did not make it any easier for me that Thursday. I couldn't sleep for a long time the previous night and ended up missing my 6 AM yoga class. Maybe that added to the restlessness I felt throughout the day at work. I finally shut my laptop and decided to go for an evening class. It was going to be a little tight considering I had a flight at 10 PM, but I wanted to go nevertheless. Especially also because I was going to be pigging out on biryani for the next 3 days without any exercise! I went for class and I am glad I did. I came back home feeling a lot calmer and relaxed. Rechecked my packing and started pacing up and down in my apartment for the lack of anything to do. Finally switched on the TV and watched the nonsensical Neil 'n' Nikki on TV for a bit. It was time to get ready and leave.I picked up my bag and headed towards the door. Almost went for the knob and turned back, rushed to the sofa to sit down for a second. In our culture, before we leave for a journey, we sit down for a tiny second and ask God to bless the journey and then finally rise to leave. I usually don't do it. But something in me told me to do it this time around. I closed my eyes shut and finally rose to leave. Got a taxi and was on my way to the airport and, home. I usually calm down when I am at the airport (the coffee always helps) and begin to feel excited about the trip. Exchanged some currency and sat down in a quiet spot with my coffee and my book. And when it was time to board, I walked towards the gate, boarded the flight. Smiled to myself when the pilot said he was flying me to Hyderabad. Then heard a shriek in the seat in front of me and it turned out to be a baby. I scowled. The seat behind me had a baby as well. This was not good. Anyway, closed my eyes and tried to catching some sleep in the midst of all that nonsense wailing. When we started to descend, I could see some lights below and that's when tears started streaming down my face. I didn't bother wiping them, they had dimmed the cabin lights for landing anyway. I cried for a bit for my return, for all that the city had given me, for all that I had gained and for all that I had lost. For just everything that the word Hyderabad meant to me, I cried. They were tears of joy, but they were also tears of sorrow.

When the plane finally landed, I was eager to get out and breathe the air. As I pushed my luggage cart towards 'Arrival', the doors parted for me, bringing in a waft of air, that rushed to hug me. It filled me with a sense of nostalgia and an intense feeling of coming back to where i belong. I found my mind going back to the day I left the city, crying as i hugged a friend and my love, goodbye. Today I was back, i found myself searching the faces in front of me for a known face and realized that I was doing so in vain. I had no one waiting to receive me. That thought for some weird reason got a smile to my face and I pushed the cart further. Almost absent mindedly, like I had never left, i found myself walking towards the cab stand without looking for signboards. As I walked towards the line of cabs, Sky cabs on the left and Meru cabs to my right, i automatically turned towards Meru. They asked me where I was heading to and I said Banjara Hills. I smiled as I said that. I rolled down the windows in the cab and let Hyderabad take me in her arms as she welcomed her child back home. I took in every hoarding, every bend in the road, every flyover, as if they were replenishing me and my soul. As if I had waited for this for a long time. As if just taking in deep inhales and huge gulps of the air would heal me in some way. It was 2 AM in the night, so not too much activity on the streets, the city was only mine for tonight. As the cab sped through Mehnipatnam and Masab Tank and Banjara Hills, i felt like i was going to go home, to my apartment. I would open the door to my house and let familiarity hug my insides. And then I asked myself, which home? Road 10, Road 11,Road 12 or Erramanzil? That's when my taxi turned to the hotel and I realised, I no longer have my sanctuary in Hyderabad as much as I felt like it was home, it wasn't anymore. 

The next day was almost like a trip back in time. I found myself pointing out my old houses, my favorite places to eat, my go-to movie theater, even my favorite jooti shop in old city. A pedicure in Juice was on my to-do list for sure. An auto ride through Banjara Hills as well. Time fled, I was at the end of my trip and I didn't want to leave. Every nook, every road, every turn, everything had embedded itself in my heart and I didn't want to let go. But who was I fooling, all the people who had made Hyderabad what it is to me, had left the city. Except a few people, the city had nothing left to offer me other than memories. It was like an empty shell. As much joy as it gave me, it also bought with it surges of pain, sorrow, regret. But all of those things made Hyderabad what it is to me. 

As the morning of my departure dawned, i got up and shut the curtains of my hotel room tightly, trying to block the sun rays from announcing the day, the day I was to leave Hyderabad, and climbed back into bed. But although I managed to block the sunlight from waking me up, although I pressed my eyes shut tightly, although I turned to face away from the windows and hid beneath the heavy blanket, the day dawned. The day for me to leave had come. I packed my stuff and kept everything ready for checkout. A lunch at Sahib Sindh Sultan was on the cards. The train restaurant was one of my favorites in the city and there was no way I was going to leave without a meal there. The pickle tray and the soup sticks with the 3 different kinds of dips (mint, tomato and cheese) was my favorite! I suddenly felt like I was back to living in Hyderabad, nothing had changed. Life was the same. A friend joined me for lunch as we spent the next few hours together. As we drove around Banjara Hills and Jubilee Hills, i began to grow more and more nostalgic.

As soon as we turned towards the road leading to Kondapur, I felt myself pushing back the lump that had begun growing in my throat. And all of a sudden I wanted to be there and not be there. To run away and to stay back. To want more and more of it and yet want no more of it. I shut my eyes pushed back my tears, cried a silent tear-less cry. Opened my eyes, breathed deeply. When I finally climbed another Meru cab to head to the airport, I hugged my friend and wanted time to just stop there. We tightened our hug and then immediately stepped aside and bid a teary farewell to each other. I broke down as soon as the car sped away.

For those three days I was excited at being home and fearful of running into people, hopeful at the same time that I would see faces I knew. Three days of Hyderabad. The city I grew up in, the city I loved in, the city that gave me success and a dream, the city that taught me that failures are a part of life and that it's OK to fail, the city I found myself in, the city that gave me you, the city that makes me shiver in fear and yet want to dance with joy. My city, Hyderabad.

So as I sit here writing this at the airport, over a cup of really expensive and pathetic airport coffee, I cry and yet I thank Hyderabad for everything and everyone it has given me. And as I head back, I feel a little Hyderabadi, as though a part of the city is coming away with me.