My all-time favourite drink : Aperol Spritz, Happy Birthday month to mePicture credit : Adithya Varadarajan
So. Most times when I'm writing on this blog, I assume that no one is reading - which helps me write without inhibition. But in the rare chance that someone is, then welcome back. This is my second series of birthday-month posts. Last year I turned 30 and made a huge deal about it. I was living in Bali at the time and trying to open an Indian tapas place - sadly that project failed and ended with me being terribly sick with Dengue and abandoning the whole thing and moving back to India to live with my parents after 11 years of living by myself. Fun times. Anyhow, because birthdays are so big for me, I start celebrating as soon as i see July 1 on the calendar - and hence this post.
I had so much fun writing those series of posts last year, that I decided to do it again this year. While turning 30 was a big milestone for me, 31 seems somehow bigger - or i am just being stupid and need a reason to celebrate (and to write). Turning 30 was important to me especially because I had quit my job in Singapore and was trying out this "living and building a business in Bali" thing. But 31 is about half a year after i had to leave the project halfway (not without learnings) - half a year also of being a full-time yoga teacher (!) - keeping the cafe dream very much alive and kicking but taking baby steps along the way instead of plunging right in. Also 31 completely establishes you as being "in your thirties" as opposed to being exactly 30 where you can get away with "late twenties" - or maybe this too is just me being silly!
I have a bunch of friends that say to me - oh we wish we lived your life or we wish we could quit our jobs so easily - to all those friends of mine I say "but of course you can, you just have to do it". Some of them are fortunate enough to be able to take the plunge without it severely damaging their financial positions or any commitments and relationships & yet they choose to live vicariously through me. This is understandable - for the longest time, I would look at people who lived with a certain sense of abandon and freedom and "let's see where life takes us" or "let's give this a try" attitude and say the exact same words - I wish I could live like that.
Until one day, I chose this path and never looked back. I must have definitely spoken about the article titled The Crossroads of Should and Must in my series of posts last year, but it is so good that it deserves a second mention. Every time I need inspiration in life the thought of this article pops up in my head, I look it up & read it, very mindfully, savouring every word and seeing how my understanding of those words have evolved since I last read them.
Every time I was not very satisfied with my day job, I would do a quick Google search and read this article with a hot cup of tea - repeating to myself "I wish I could live like that" or in context with the article, I'd say "One day, I shall choose the path of Must instead of the path of Should". And one day, I did.
How have i fared then? In this new path? Has it disappointed me? Have I regretted the decision? Do I miss the steady income at the end of every month? Do I regret giving up my project in Bali?
These are not questions I have concrete answers to yet. So through the medium of these blogposts in the month of July until my 31st birthday on July 25, I want to try answering them. What i will say is that I wake up most mornings (say 90% of them at least) feeling utterly blessed and divinely guided. I sleep better, if i did a status check on my emotions at any point of the day or month - I am more stable, less anxious, happier, healthier and I am learning loads more.
Often people (especially my extended family) ask me if i could not have done all of that or worked on aspects of it without taking the drastic decision of leaving my job. To them i say, I tried. I tried working on certain sections of my life while I had a 9-5 job, and it would work with massive amounts of success.....but for a very short period of time. And then boom I would be dragged back to the black-hole of feeling immensely out of place in the life I was leading and hugely inauthentic in who I was, the things I said, the things I did.
When that happened every couple of months, I realised something big needed to change. My yoga teacher caught me in one of those dark phases once, and she knew I was struggling with stuff on and off, now & then. So she sat me down in the locker room and said "have you ever wondered why the Universe keeps sending these messages of the need for change back to you, maybe you should really listen and not try to take shortcuts?" This was about 4 years back. I took 3 more years to finally listen and act on her suggestion - and changed something big.
Although, I then immediately chose something inappropriate for myself and the Universe again sent me hints and when I still didn't listen, she gifted me with a small health scare that left me (and my parents) quivering. So I listened again and made changes again. I am thankful for my yoga practice to have this connection and this dialogue with the Universe. However, I believe with all my heart that each one of us have that exact same opportunity and those signs presented to them, we just don't listen. Beacuse we are too busy.
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote a book called Big Magic in which she says we all have magical ideas floating around us and if we carefully listen and feel - they will unravel before us and we can then be inspired and do whatever we wanted with it - create and use it to live meaningful and fulfilling lives. I feel the same way about the Universe guiding you with subtle signs lying in your path, and when you do go down the wrong path, it will hold your hand and say "uh-huh, not here darling, let's go back and start again".
Often, when I speak of this idea to people they confuse it with the concepts of Will and Destiny - which they think are unrelated or worse, enemies of each other. I will speak more about it in upcoming posts - it is again one of those topics that evolves every time I speak of it or write about it - so I am excited to see what I say on this blog.
I will end the first post of this series, with a song I feel immense attachment to. It's called Kinare, a Hindi word, which in English means "Shores". I'll start my next post with what it means, because I feel the need to just enjoy the Hindi words for now without wanting to transliterate and lose the joy of the original composition !
ढूंढे हर एक सांस मे
डुबकियों के बाघ मे
हर भंवर के पास
किनारे
बह रहे जो सात मे
जोह हमारे ख़ास थे
कर गए अपनी बात
किनारे
गर माझी मे
गैर बन भी जाएँ
तोह खुद ही तो
पतवार बन
पार होंगे हम
जो छोटी सी
हर एक नहर
सागर बन भी जाएँ
कोई तिनका लेके
हाथ में ढूंढ लेंगे हम
किनारे
Kinare
Queen, Anvita Dutt
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