I arrived in India just in time for my birthday! A part of me wanted to rush out of the airport to greet my parents and a part of me wanted to hop back on that flight and head back to London. But thankfully time travel (to the past or future) is not a skill humans have developed yet. Some things need to remain a mystery, and sometimes you need to move on.
The day began like any other day, it was nice to be back in familiar surroundings and lay out my yoga mat and start my practice with my parents morning mantras playing in the background. I am brutal when it comes to routines. I have put myself on a twice a day work out schedule and a very strict diet (or at least what for me is strict) to get back in shape and get fitter. While practising I included Utkatasana (chair pose) in my sequence and I was surprised at how weak my legs seemed - i remembered all of my teachers and suddenly missed them. As beautiful as a self practice is, being led by a teacher who cares about your progress in mind, body and spirit is invaluable. And I miss that. My attempts to find such a teacher in Bangalore have not been successful thus far.
I had gorgeously lovely chats with some of my closest friends and cousins by the end of the night - and at some points was rolling on the ground with laughter. I thought myself to be blessed to have shared those moments with them on my special day.most of them are far away from me but we chat about things as though we have never been apart. When they are telling me stories about their days and lives, i can imagine walking alongside them as they experience those emotions or go through those moments. And I know as I tell them my stories they're doing the same with me, because before I can express what I was feeling, they blurt out the words I was about to utter.
I was asking Adithya, one of my best friends, about whether I will ever feel at home or if I will spend my life searching for it. He said something that remained with me - you will feel at home anywhere, as long as you're satisfied with what you're doing with yourself personally and at work and if you are slowly moving towards the life you imagine for yourself. In that case, i at home. Now. More than Ever.
I worked on my calendar for what my next few months will look like and I suddenly realised there was no structure to my life anymore. My first reaction was fear, my second reaction was to stop and look at what I actually feel about it and my final reaction was "omg, isn't this what I wanted". And yes, this is what I wanted. But as my other friend says, i was so used to following a schedule that I sometimes feel lost when I do not have one. It's true - thankfully i do not feel it all the time, most times, I am very content being unencumbered. But I agree that there are days or maybe certain moments within a day where I suddenly find myself too free to be true.
I was reading the newspaper in India on my birthday and there is a column called The Speaking Tree which imparts spiritual wisdom. On my birthday they had an interesting story to share about humanity. The story starts with two men in a train sitting opposite each other, one of them is clearly distressed, he shakes his head and says "oh no, what shall i do" and repeats that for some time. He keeps doing that on day 2 and day 3 of the journey as well. Finally his neighbour asks him "is everything ok?" The first man says to him " I am on the wrong train and I don't know what to do. It's been three days now".
Although the story is from an Osho book and I am not a huge proponent of Osho or the way his life, but the story does make sense. I might have mentioned it before, but a lot of my friends say to me these days "we wish we could lead your life" and I am often taken aback by that statement. Because it at once means you are not satisfied with your own life and more importantly that you have no control over what is happening in your life too. Instead of getting off the wrong train when he realised he was on it, the man sits and laments about it and takes no action. I was that way too, I constantly wondered why I was feeling lost and unhappy and questioning my purpose in life. I still feel some uncertainty, but that is not related to where I am or what I am doing, it's more to do with the pace with which i am moving. But again, once you start operating with the philosophy of all in good time and that the Universe/God/Goddess has a plan and will definitely get the timing right, you realise that your job is only to do the work and show up for doing the work every day, day after day.
This article in the newspaper, followed the story up with this below paragraph that is lovely and I quote it below:
"This is exactly the situation of humanity :everybody is on the wrong train, hence there is so much misery. Misery indicates that you are not where you are supposed to be, that you are not moving towards your destiny, that you not flowering to your own potential, that you have been diverted, distracted by others"
Every adult distracts the child from his essential being. Nobody respects the individual. They have already decided what is right and what is wrong, and for all."
Our job is find our way back to that essential being from which we have been diverted or distracted. May we all have the desire and the requisite courage on embark on that journey within. My wish for myself is that I can do the same, that may every path I take be blessed by the Universe and the Goddess, (who I believe is the universe in the first place), and may every step of mine lead me towards my destiny. May I always flower to my full potential and may I in my own small ways lead others to flower in theirs.
Until next year, when I start my Happy 32 to me series, Happy Birthday to me.
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