When i got off Gatwick yesterday and took the train to Victoria, i felt like I was home. There is a scene in Love Actually about how airport arrivals are happy places because you see love all around - this is my film buff heart going gaga about the movies and trying to interpret real life scenarios through them. But, well, that is who I am. Airport arrivals or any kind of arrivals - bus stations or train stations - are special places for me. In spite of the chaos, the crowd and the noise, there is a certain joy in watching reunions and greetings, there is beauty in long hold hugs, in the gentle swaying hugs, in forgetting all that exists around you for a tiny moment hugs.
I love it when I am dropped off at airports & other stations and even when I am greeted at the arrivals sections. When I am not, I realise very deeply how much I miss it - how less exciting it makes my departures and arrivals. Of course in lives we lead, with airports many many kilometers away from the city, it makes little or no sense to go all the way to see someone off or to receive someone. But that is exactly why it is so nice and special - because it doesn't need to be done, because there is no "point" in doing it, but because it can be done anyway without needing a reason.
Maybe one of the reasons I felt like I was coming home was because I had a friend waiting for me at London Victoria, right in front of where I tap out of the station. And I received a good long hug and a long chat, sharing stories from the past week over a cup of tea and some sumptuous snacks.
It was interesting how there are certain things I totally do not like to do. And when I am forced to do it, I see my mood changing very fast and very dramatically. I often say that I was a terrible person to be with in my first relationship - he did love me very much to put up with my idiosyncrasies. It was easily irritable, had no patience, and would get angry at the silliest of things. I guess there are good sides to growing up and learning how to manage your emotions and know what things to let affect you and what things to let slip. But there are times when I lose that insight and wisdom and act cranky nevertheless.
When I arrived in London, my friend made me drag a very heavy suitcase for 40 minutes to get to a tea shop. Now I wouldn't have minded that, had there been no other way to get to the place or if I hadn't woken up at 4 am in the morning to catch that flight. But since I was short on sleep and was dealing with heightened emotions, the last thing I wanted to do was walk in central London on a Sunday morning with a big piece of baggage and a heavy hand carry. I tried to not let it affect me. Many times, I saw the impatience and irritation rising, but I shut it down. Until I couldn't anymore and I let it over power me. I stopped walking in between a park and said - I can't do this anymore.
In a very diva like fashion, i pouted for exactly 5 minutes and then realised how stupid I was being and walked on, but not without letting my friend know exactly what I thought about his decision to walk all the way.
In situations like those, I immediately identify a previous 20-year old self and I cringe on how terrible I was, and how traces of those self still remain in me today. It took a good big pot of tea and food to get me out of that mood. To be fair to myself, I knew I was dealing with some leftover emotions from the last few days that i wanted to share with this friend - so my bad behaviour would have had that as a breeding ground too, but that is no excuse to get away with it.
But as weird as it sounds, i am glad I felt that emotion. Because I did not suppress it, it could have been managed better - but at least I felt annoyed and that is a totally ok human emotion to feel. I've had an issue expressing what I truly feel inside, and sometimes what I feel is so deep down, I can't access that emotion even when i am specifically trying to. So when I was walking down that park and feeling annoyed, I was also feeling happy at feeling. It was a sign of being alive after all. I am not God, I am human and I deserve to go through emotions and feel them in my body. The practice is to not let it overpower you. I am trying. But for now, I am feeling.
When we went over to collect some of my other things from his house, we sat down for another cup of tea and as we were talking, sounds from the cricket field nearby drifted into the house - cheers from the players and the small crowds that had gathered in the park to watch them. It was a bright summer Sunday evening and life was giving everyone a break - you could afford to take some time away and just be. Lay in a park, watch the clouds go by, watch a random bunch of people play cricket, read a book and fall asleep while trying to, walk a slower pace of life, because you could.
As we heard those sounds, we stumbled upon a pause in our conversation and we forgot what we were talking about and just listened. There was no where else I wanted to be then - nothing else i wanted to be doing and no one else I wanted to be with. If life at that point had a soundtrack, this would be it. Because London is love, actually,
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