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July 20 - Tchau Portugal.


Trips usually begin with such anticipation and then end so suddenly. And you are left wondering where all that time went and what you did with it. I feel that way at the end of each trip and this was my longest trip to Europe ever. I was with some friend at dinner - they are all Portuguese and they were talking about India and how they can NOT wait to be back in India, that India is what feels like home and that at the end of every trip, they are yearning to go back. It was gorgeous to hear that about India to hear that India made people feel the way Europe makes me feel. It also made me wonder why I do not feel that way about my own country. Is it because the grass always looks greener on the other side or is it because each of us has that special connection with certain places that we can not begin to explain. We can only feel. And I feel Europe.

I feel Bali too. Which is why when I left Bali, I was disappointed. At myself and at bali At myself because I thought I should have stood my ground and been there, weathered the storm and come out of it stronger. There are certain memories that one does not want to revisit, even just by themselves. That period of when i was sick and needed comfort is one such memory of mine. I am ashamed of it because I let weakness take over and rushed to the first source of comfort - my parents and my home. I am ashamed of it because I said it was what I wanted to do, do no matter what, I said I would give it my all, and yet when faced with some struggles, I gave up. So my inner critic never forgives me for it. I have a harsh critic anyway - but it is especially critical about those few days. As I lay on the bed  for two days trying to get physically stronger, mentally I was slipping - hanging onto barest of threads.

I am also disappointed with Bali - because I really thought she would support me in my endeavours. But I did not find any support. I found certain hints and breadcrumbs on the floor, but they would often lead to nothing. One of my friends in bali said to me "when she wants to support you, she will hold your hand and lead you to your goal in Bali", but when she doesn't want you, she will make sure she asks you to leave. On my way out, as I was riding to the airport on a motorcycle with rain pouring down on me, and i really felt like she was asking me to leave. That after years of being in love with her and her being in love with me, Bali suddenly didn't think me worthy enough to build a life on her soil.

Now of course when i look back I realise she might actually be giving me a major life hint to get the hell out of Bali then. She is after all a part of a large energy, that was pushing me towards other opportunities, other people and other lives that were waiting for me beyond her lands. While I understand this, I am yet to forgive myself for my adventure in Bali - maybe one day as I have forgiven myself for certain other things in my past, I will learn to see what happened in Bali as a life lesson and a gentle nudge, instead of blaming myself - one day.

I really did a major diversion there from talking about Europe to talking about Bali and my experience there. I did go back to Bali once more after i left in that hurry - to pick up all my stuff that I had left behind, because I had moved my life there after all, but also for a bachelorette. Maybe because I was with some of my close friends and I was busy with eating and drinking and chilling with them, I did not have too much time to think and feel, so that trip was not too painful. But maybe also because I had told myself not to feel too terrible about it, almost like - let's hold our breath here, it'll soon pass and I'll be back in Singapore. Which is such a terrible feeling to feel about Bali, it used to be the exact opposite where i would say on leaving Bali for Singapore "do not worry, you will be back soon" 

 Coming back to Europe, leaving Portugal was tough for me - I was looking forward to being back in London for sure, maybe because I knew it was my bulwark. Not that I need a bulwark against India. Or do i?


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