As a part of my yoga course earlier this year, we spoke about women and the menstrual cycle. One of my teachers asked us to think about the different phases of the menstrual cycle as seasons that a women goes through. Exactly how the year sees seasons, a woman goes through inner seasons as well - winter, spring, summer, autumn and winter again. I will not go through this concept in detail, this book - Wild Power, does that beautifully.
What is important is that the concept and tracing my inner seasons made me conscious of my own emotions more. This is without having to hide behind the usual 'ah I must be so touchy because I'm close to bleeding' - which is anyway a very reductive way of looking at women and their emotions. When you start honouring yourself a little bit more, you realise, without having to feel guilty, that you can take a break and do the things that your body, mind & spirit really need. When you get used to slowly doing that, you start putting yourself first - without wondering if that's ok or how it looks on the outside or how you're not doing the things you 'ought to be doing'.
I had one such day today. Here I am in London, my favorite city in the world, on a Saturday evening in one of the world's most 'happening' streets and all I wanted to do was head home and change into my pajamas and sit with my friends over a spritz and chill. I was out to meet someone who couldn't make our appointment and so I found myself in Soho at 5:30pm on Saturday, wondering what to do. Now I am someone who is totally comfortable being alone and wandering streets by myself, striking up a conversation with strangers in coffee shops or a local pub, but today I just couldn't stay all by myself.
I felt terrible. At one point i stopped at Monmouth street in front of the coffee shop I have often frequented, not wanting to go in but also not wanting to stay out. So I sat on the bench in front of it. I was so overwhelmed by the millions of tourists around me, by the bustle of central London on a weekend and just by being by myself, that I froze. I should've at that point just listened to myself and retraced my steps back to Tottenham Court and taken the train home. But I instead told myself 'you're in London, come on, cheer up, go to a nice place serving good drinks and a good spritz and feel better, NOW'. In spite of that censure I couldn't force myself to get off that bench.
In that moment if being very very close to tears, I opened my phone and messaged my best friend, telling him I missed him so terribly. We had roamed the streets of London last year this time doing absolutely nothing, just wandering and talking - about nothing at all and everything at the same time. At that moment, I wanted nothing but company and his company would've been perfect. He messaged me back and spoke to me for the next forty minutes,including playing a game with me, until he gave me the courage to accept that I really wasn't feeling up to it. And that was ok. I was allowed to feel these emotions, even in sunny gorgeous London. I finally said to him I'm heading home and did.
I stopped by Sainsbury's on the way back for a bottle of prosecco for our aperol spirtz. As soon as I walked into the door of my friends' home I heaved a sigh of relief - instantly immensely glad at the decision I had made and glad for my friend, Adithya for giving me the courage.
Recognising what my inner seasons bring up in me, knowing that I should honour myself above all else, and having a friend who gave me the courage to do so, made me realise what I needed. I'm glad for it all. What's more important is recognising that these emotions come up in all of us - men & women - and all we need to do is listen to ourselves more. Infact, today I was in my 'inner summer', so I should have been more open to being out and should've been more social. But all I wanted was to go home and be in my PJs - so there really isn't a hard and fast rule, the real challenge is to Lauren to yourself and adhere to what your body and mind truly need in the moment.
I'm grateful I did. Maybe it's being wise and older - definitely in my thirties now eh!
I still love London, but yesterday's experience was a good lesson in being too enamoured by a city or a culture, because I suddenly felt like I was back in Singapore - in the midst of a crowd, and get utterly sad and alone inside. London cant solve that for me - only I can.
Goodnight.
Comments
Post a Comment