Goodbye 29 - July 24

I can’t remember where I was last year this time. I have clear memories of July 25th but July 24th I don’t remember at all. This year, I am in Bali and flying to Singapore at 10:00pm at night which means I will be in the air at 12:00 am July 25th, celebrating my birthday in the skies for the first time. I hope this flying high thing also spills into the rest of my thirties or at least the rest of this year. And that I’m always supported by two places that I have called home, in this case that is Singapore and Bali. Sometimes I wonder if I have been harsh about Singapore in many of my posts. I have many a time mentioned how I was driven to the point where I needed to leave the city/country and do something else with my life or I would continue being unhappy. I still hold that to be true, but just because I ended up feeling that way in Singapore does not mean that at some point I did not love the city. A little bit of my heart still beats for Singapore and to be frank, always will. My unhappiness in Singapore or with Singapore was my own doing to a large extent. Maybe the city is not meant to be in for the long term, or maybe I am not meant to be there. There’s many amazing things about it, but my heart was never at peace and always yearned for something more - it searched for something more, it needed something more. I was always incomplete when I lived there, irrespective of how hard I tried.

That does not mean that I am complete now, but I am slowly beginning to understand what “complete” means to me. What are the things that make me happy, what are the things that definitely don’t, what makes me sleep well at night, what makes me sit up in fright, which people replenish my soul, and which people drain it, what music makes me want to groove and what music makes me meditate, what seasons are meant for contemplation and what seasons are meant to be lived freely. I have answers for these questions or I at least have the courage to start answering them now. I wouldn’t have reached this point if it weren’t for my journey through Singapore and for that reason I will always love it. But sometimes even the things and the people you love are not good for you and sadly it had to be that way with the city and me. We grew out of love, I had known that for a long time, but every few months I kept convincing myself that this is what I was meant to be doing right now and this is where I was meant to be. I also convinced myself of the million ways in which I love Singapore and my life there. I am amazing at convincing myself about things and so for the longest time I told myself, this is a phase and it will go away and I will come back to loving Singapore again - invariably this internal dialogue was the strongest after my trips to Europe. Because that is when I’d be all disillusioned about this island country/city and moan about the lack of magic and culture and human spirit. But the rigours of daily life would take over and I’d forget about the gorgeousness of Europe and re-adjust to life back in the Lion city. And this went on for about three years. Until one day in my yoga class, my teacher noticed me on one of my blue days and said to me “have you ever wondered why this phase keeps coming back and what it has to teach you that you are unwilling to learn, which makes it come back again to re-educate”.


On the train ride back home that night, her words kept coming back to me. I have spoken about my Depression in the last post and I also spoke about how it suddenly left me - I always dread the day it might come back, but I know I will be stronger about it when it does, or rather if, it does. Even during those dark periods in my life, I never thought about leaving Singapore. I always wanted to stay and solve whatever was happening inside of me by staying in Singapore, not by escaping it altogether. So my escapes were always short-term and eventually I realised I needed a lot more of it, so Bali seemed ideal and it so happened that I loved Bali and she loved me back too. I should have then realised that I was forcing (or fooling) myself to continue living in Singapore by taking these tiny tiny breaks - rejuvenating and heading back. By 2017, I was like an addict, I needed to escape every month or I wouldn’t have survived - thankfully the border officials did not question my sudden uptake in the travels to Bali, I guess the yoga mat hung over my shoulder always gave away the answer. That is a sign, you know, the fact that you need such frequent escapes to cope with your regular life, should be a huge sign that something is broken. 

I knew something was broken, I didn’t know what it was and so I did not know how to fix it. I thought about Singapore, I thought about my job, I thought about my friends, I thought about love, I thought about my day to day life and my house - and while there were tiny chinks in each of those armours, there weren’t any big gaping holes in any particular one. Now chinks exist in all our armours, and at no point in time will you ever be worry-free or problem-free and I don’t even intend to be that. There should be a little bit of resistance, a little bit of challenge, a little bit of problem-solving for life to be exciting and worthy of living - but that should prod you on, not make you want to whimper and hide. Which is what I was doing. Many times, people have told me, and in fact I was last told this today about how I seem to want everything in life and do not understand the concept of sacrificing or giving things up or letting go of something to get something else. There is a phrase in Hindi - kuch paane ke liye kuch khona zaroori hain - to get something, you need to let go of something else. As a student of economics, I understand the concept of opportunity cost very well - I also know there are no free lunches, you gotta earn your due. And as someone who has grown up travelling and living like a nomad, I also relate very well to giving up things to move up in life and to move to a higher levels professionally and personally. Also, how to take that in your stride and let that add to your experiences instead of diminishing them. 

So I get the point of “you can’t have everything in life”. But all I am asking for is a life that I can live proudly, to do what I love and go to sleep being excited about the next day while reflecting on the day of good work, I want to earn a living out of it, so it pays my bills and also earns me a little bit more for the small luxuries I allow myself, I want to be able to dedicate 1.5 to 2 hours to yoga and meditation everyday, I want to be able to be in touch with my parents and a few close friends, I want to be loved by a man who understands the language of love like I do, and believes in magic like i do, who hasn’t yet been jaded by the realities of life, I want to be able to take a walk in silence sometimes, I want to be able to stop and look up at the sky and smile in gratitude, I want to be able to read and get lost in stories, I want long tables with a some close friends on it with a few glasses of wine, all of us laughing away sharing stories, I want to have a space I call home that reflects my personality and has energies that I cultivate in it, a place I can come back to after a day’s hard work and feel like I’m being held in comfort and warmth, I want to continue to pursue my hobbies and writing and painting because they give me immense joy, I want to be involved in food in some capacity because it fills my heart with unlimited bliss - talking, sharing, writing about and cooking food of any kind, I want to be able to travel and see new sights and meet different cultures and marvel at the big and small discoveries from my travels. I want all of these things, and I think it is pretty normal to want all of these things and wanting them all together. At least eventually. The friend I was talking to in the morning was telling me about how he had to share a small room in Spain with three other men after he graduated from Culinary Academy to work in a restaurant and that he lived like that for six months before he found a place for himself when he got paid a little bit more. And asked if I was ready for a life like that where I will have to obviously give up 70% of the list I have just mentioned above. And as much as I understand giving up these “luxuries” I cringed and suddenly I want to to say no and then I realised why folks say I seem to want everything and have high expectations from life. Because here I was wanting to live my dream and do my dream job - but unwilling or resisting giving up on some things I considered “necessities” When I was reading one of Mark Manson’s article, he said (and I don’t know if I have mentioned this before) that you got to ask yourself, what it is that is worth suffering for? Because invariably there is a little bit of suffering or a lot of suffering in most things in life and most career choices or most decisions, but what are the things that make it worth that suffering? What is the shit sandwich you are willing to eat (I think he framed it like that). 

 I need to ask myself that question now. 

When I moved from Hyderabad to Singapore, I knew that there would be some amount of adjustment required  and it wasn’t going to be easy - but my boyfriend then and I asked ourselves if we thought this was worth the pain and the struggle (he was moving to Sydney and I to Singapore). We wondered if it was worth it, and in the end we answered yes and went for it. This is of course how most adults make decisions - but is it worth the suffering is what we need to ask ourselves more. For a long time, I thought if I got to take time off now and then and go away to recharge, a job that pays me enough to do that and gives me the time to do that, should be worth the suffering of the job itself. And I also looked at Singapore like that, if I can be safe and walk the streets in the middle of the day or night without having to think about my physical safety, it is worth the creative bankruptcy I was feeling. And it took me a long time to realise, that the suffering was not worth it. The money from the job and the security of a regular income and the social standing from having one did not necessarily tip the scales - the suffering was not worth it. And as much as travel and the escapes helped me, the heartbreak upon returning and the massive amounts of self-coaching and self-talk I needed to do to convince myself that life was good and I needed to do the job, pulled away from the magic of the travel itself. Similarly with Singapore, it kept me safe at nights but I went to sleep with an empty heart and an emptier soul - it was not worth it. 

I can’t for the life of me remember why I started talking about suffering. I am sure I wanted to make a point, but that point is now lost, sorry folks. I guess I wanted to say that I am embarking on a path of slight suffering which is in no way comparable to what millions of people go through in the world, but if you began to make those comparisons, you’d never be able to shake that burden off and live your life. Now I need to ask myself, this is the flavour of shit sandwich I want to eat. When I first encountered that article, I actually did not like it, because I thought it was too negative - surely if you were doing something you love and having fun and earning some amount of money while you’re at it, there is no suffering involved. But I don’t think that’s true. There’s a little bit of sacrifice everywhere, something’s gotta give. 

Sometimes I wonder how a life of quietude would suit me, would I get bored, or would I find ways to keep myself busy. I guess it depends on what I feel about the space I am inhabiting. If that space inspires me and refuels me and makes me want to keep creating, I would most probably love it, and thrive in it as well. I saw a picture where a friend of mine was looking out of the window at the mountains in front of her while she was seated on a low table in a hotel  Bhutan. And I was mesmerised. Now that was a picture from a vacation and not her whole life, but sometimes,  just sometimes I wonder how it would feel to wake up to that scenery everyday and live in an area like that with nature’s unbridled energy and creation and inspiration all around you, all the time. There’s a certain category of people that appeals to and I believe I belong in that category. Last year, I was in Nepal for a yoga retreat, and we stayed at a cottage called Chandra Ban a few kilometres outside of Kathmandu, away from the hustle and bustle of downtown Kathmandu’s touristy lanes. At Chandra Ban the air was pure, there was soft sun-light pouring in through the foliage in the garden where breakfast was served, warming your souls every morning (it was end October, so very chilly), there was simple home cooked meals, many hours of yoga, a lot of laughter, early nights and early mornings, simple life and simpler people and every time I encounter such a lifestyle I am attracted to it. And last year, I almost did not want to go back, The couple that runs Chandra Ban is German-English, if I remember correctly and they had first come to Nepal about 20 years ago and decided to never leave and have now eventually started this boutique retreat space and accommodation. 


Similarly, when my friends and I went to a tiny town called Atrani in South Italy, actually it’s a village not even a town, I wanted to leave everything and settle there - run a small bakery or restaurant and spend the rest of my life in that village by the sea. I am sure a lot of people feel this way when they go on retreats and vacations, but I come close very close to doing it. Last week, I almost wrote to the owners at Chandra Ban to ask if I could go run their kitchen for them for a basic minimum salary and accommodation. If I had written that email and I had heard a yes from them, I would have been considering that option quite seriously especially since Indians can live and work in Nepal without the need for a visa. As you can see, I have thought about this in some detail. 

My point is, why does a vacation need to be an escape, why does Chandra Ban need to be a once in a lifetime experience and not a lifestyle, why is running a cafe in Atrani or Pondicherry or Goa so unachievable and far away dream. Because they need some very obvious sacrifices in life, and most of us say no to eating that shit-sandwich. Whereas, being in Singapore, in a corporate job with a very decent salary, saturday night outs and sunday brunches, beach holidays and yoga retreats, the hope of a permanent residency, the dream of investing in a house - all of these are things that require few and immensely less obvious sacrifices, and are hence the choices that most people go with. I know it, because I did, it was a great life - but it didn’t keep me happy. A lot of people say happiness is overrated. or that the constant pursuit of happiness is an American dream and isn’t something we should all be striving for. I don’t know what I think about that sentence. A part of me agrees, because I realise that one can not be happy all the time. Part of living a human experience is that you get to feel all emotions and that makes it a complete experience - so the chase for constant happiness is pretty pointless, and I don’t think I am even chasing that goal. But what is not pointless is a deep sense of satisfaction with the way you are living your life and how much you accomplish. And these are both things you get to define for yourself, the way you live your life is totally up to you and can not be judged by someone else and what you accomplish is also something very personal and relative to you, your goals, your choices and needs. Two hours of yoga a day for me is a huge achievement, because I find that investment in my mind and body important, whereas two hours of coding might be a worthier way for an engineer to spend his time - and that is totally ok. My chase is not for happiness, but for that sense of “this is exactly what I want to be doing and who I want to be and where I want to be” - when I can successfully say that to myself, I will be content. And I am aware of how transient that contentment is. Very soon that will be my new normal and I will feel the need to chase another goal - this again is the bliss of human existence.  I do that with yoga - one more flow, one more asana, a few more minutes of meditation or shavasana, one last forward fold, and it’s also how surfers think about their time out in the ocean, one last wave. 

As I embark on this journey from a girl to a woman, a threshold I believe I have already crossed, I want to have endless waves to ride on, endless asanas to flow in and out of, endless challenges that keep me going, a constant pursuit of the shit sandwiches that keep me happy, I have realised that my contentment is in the shaking up of things, of not settling, of not putting my roots down or being a wanderer and having many places to call home and yet always carrying the one home that matters the most, me myself. As long as I have the trust and faith in the path, I can keep going. For I will never be where I am not meant to be. With that I close my twenties, with no regrets and look forward to my thirties with immense excitement and hope. Together we shall traverse these roads that many have travelled before and often times we might even wander away on some deserted paths, but we will always keep going in this pursuit of what makes us feel alive. 

I'll end this post with a song the underlying meaning of which  I have finally come to understand and appreciate in life, let the heart beat the way it wants, stop controlling it, why blow out an ember that contains within the magic of fires..... let the fires burn. 

And I'm going to rise to a new dawn from those ashes. 

हे हे चलो ना 

ढूंढें शहर एक नया 

जहां मुस्कुराहटें हो बिखरी 

जहां से ग़म  का मौसम गया 

जहां मीठी बातें हर एक अजनबी से हो 

भूलें हम भी सारी फिकरे 

लम्हा लम्हा खुशियां बिखरे 

इधर-उधर और यहां-वहाँ 

जाएँ वहीँ दिल कहें जहां 

बेबी बेबी बेबी 

कब तक गिने 

हम धड़कने 

दिल जैसे धड़के धड़कने दो 

कुयं हैं कोई 

आग दबी 

शोला जो भड़के भड़कने दो 

हे हे चलो ना 

गाये नए नए गीत 

खेल ऐसा क्यों ना खेले 

जिसमे सब ही की हो जीत 

इन दिनों फूल और तारे

 कोई भी देखता  नहीं 

देखे इनको दीवाने होके  

चाहे कितना भी कोई टोके

खुली हवा  और खुला समां 

जागे हुए हो सब अरमान 

बेबी बेबी बेबी

हम ने दिल से कहीं जो बातें आओ मान ले 

जिस पे चलता नहीं हो कोई 

राह वह चले 

थोड़ी आवारगी हो 

थोड़ी-थोड़ी- मदहोशियाँ हो 

बेबी हम हो तुम हो बेबी टेल मी 

कब ता गिने 
हम धड़कने 

दिल जैसे धड़के धड़कने दो 

कुयं हैं कोई 

आग दबी 

शोला जो भड़के भड़कने दो 

~ Javed Akhar, Dil Dhadakne Do, Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara