Today was significant. I had a sip of pepsi after ages. Ages. I love Pepsi, I really do. When you are eating spicy indian food, and it's hot and you are sweating from the spice and the temperature - Pepsi just enhances your experience and the flavours tremendously ! But I'm also aware of how bad it is and I don't ever do it. Even if I am craving for it like mad, I don't do it. Frankly I am never craving for it that badly as well. But today I went out for lunch with a friend and we decided to eat at KFC and he ordered pepsi and the cashier asked me what i wanted to drink, and I, like a good girl said water, she said sorry no water. What is this world we live in - where I am pushed away from making a healthy choice? Anyway, i got tempted and said Pepsi as well. Either there wasn't much conviction in my voice or she was distracted, or destiny played it's part - she forgot to place my order for that pepsi (and also a regular french fries). So I didn't get my poison after all. But showing some pity on me, my friend offered me the last few sips of his and after three sips when I was trying to suck the last few drops of pepsi stuck to the cubes of ice through the straw, people started to stare and I had to stop. I have no idea why i started this post with this experience - but now you know what is going to go on me "one thing I am grateful for" list ;) Three sips of Pepsi.
I think I have already spoken about how the twenties was a mix of being shy and beginning to understand who I am and what i want and what I like and what I definitely don't like. Beginning to get comfortable with my opinions and my way of life and slowly developing a semblance of confidence and assertiveness. Tiny tiny semblance that is. I also attributed my low levels of confidence to certain childhood experiences and also my inherent shy and passive and introverted nature. But what I realise is that slowly, as years went by and I was choosing things for myself and those things were turning out ok or I managed to find a way to make them ok if they weren't, I started believing that I was capable of living/surviving/thriving. And this realisation even today sometimes vanishes and i am looking for validation and I look to others to make decisions for me because i am sure that if I were left alone, I'd ruin myself. But more often than not, I'm actually ok and can function as a highly effective adult [need to remember to read this line when I'm down].
A big factor that has contributed to that confidence is the solo travels I did. When people ask me why I travel alone, I have nothing to say - or I have a lot to say and I don't know how to say it. How do I tell people that there is a certain sense of freedom in planning whatever the hell you want to add into that itinerary. And then there is even more freedom when you throw those plans up in the air and do totally other things. Maybe I am so used to living a routine, or following certain habits or doing a job that can get repetitive at the end of the day, I look for excitement through my travels. Which I understand is most of us who travel in todays day and age. I plan it out a lot, simply because I love to plan, I love to look up things, read blogs, star places on Google Maps - and then when I get to the destination, i get mesmerized by a few things and decide to devote my time in that city or village to those few things instead of trying to cover everything. Except food. When it comes to food, I want to eat at every restaurant on my list, drink coffee at every coffee place and eat cakes at every dessert place. I forget that one can only eat three meals a day. I think the max I have gone to is six, or eight if you count two scones of gelato as meals as well ;) I love to eat and i love to travel because I love to eat. I'm doomed. Sigh.
When I look back at my twenties, I look back at some amazing places I have been to. I have by no chance covered the whole world or half of it or one third even but I am still proud of all that i have done and like I say with many things in my life, my travels have also added to my being and have left imprints on my person. Yoga too took me many places and I have enjoyed those retreats tremendously. That also gave me the opportunity to be ok with travelling or spending time with a bunch of strangers. In fact my close yoga friends in Singapore are all from the first retreat I went to in 2013 in Bali and I only yesterday received a message from this really small (4 people) retreat I went to in Sri Lanka. You foster pretty strong bonds when you meet people at yoga retreats. I still remember this one night where we were seated or we were lying on stone benches and rocks and chairs, in the open courtyard in our communal hut, looking up at the sky. There was no electricity around, just very faint oil lamps and so the stars were blinking even brighter and you could see so many more of them in the sky. I can still close my eyes and bring to memory that precise scene where the four of us are talking about something, but are all on our backs looking up at the sky.
My other really random - have NO idea why i did it - trip was to Japan. I literally have no idea why i decided to suddenly go to Japan. A very close friend of mine lives in Tokyo and I messaged her as soon I booked my tickets and she said to me "Dude but those are exactly the days I am not there". I now wonder why i didn't check with her - maybe I could only have taken those particular days off - i can't remember. So i had only a day with her before she had to fly out and then i explored Tokyo on my own and continued from there to Kyoto. I spent massive amounts of time just walking through streets and cafes and gardens and temples and eating - eating so much. I want to go back to Japan ONLY to eat. Everywhere you go is good food - I don't think i had any bad meals there and i also waited in a queue for 2 hours to eat ramen at Afuri and at many of these other spots. I still didn't know why I did Japan. I am huge believer of "when you are called someplace you go" - the hindus believe that about pilgrimages - i guess all religions do. That if you are not "called" or "destined" to go, you won't, no matter how much you plan it. I believe that about life - no matter how badly you want for it to happen, if it is not meant to happen, it won't. Similarly, maybe i went to Japan because I was meant to.
But of course the two places that have my heart are bali and italy - I know, something in me just knows that i will have something to do with both of these lovely destinations. I'm often asked if I meet interesting people when i travel alone - sometimes I do, most times i don't. I supposedly also come across as stand-offish - maybe that is why i guess. But I also mostly spend a lot of time alone - reading, writing, staring, exploring, eating, walking, singing. I find myself unfettered - the nowhere to be and nothing to do feel of being on a vacation is unparalleled to any other happiness in life. Sometimes I wonder if that is something i would be able to do & live with my whole life - a life of cooking, eating travelling, writing and reading. How blissful that seems - but then that is what a bunch of bloggers, social media enthusiasts and influencers do, and also get paid for it - how absolutely lovely. Someone recently told me i should be a food blogger - reviewing food places that is- since I love to eat and i love to write why not combine those two passions. I tried starting a food/recipe blog - but couldn't keep up with it, maybe I need to give it another try.
I totally lost the point of this post - it started with pepsi - slightly touched upon confidence and how travelling and especially travelling solo gave me immense joy and a sense of freedom and above all instilled some confidence and I'm ending it with career choices in the food industry. Again, very synonymous with how my twenties have been- a little bit of this & that & all of it and nothing at all - I've wanted to do everything and I've also wanted to do nothing. I have never known the middle path - not for me the safety of the fence I will jump one way or the other. Looks like the thirties is me jumping away with all this confidence and self belief that the twenties empowered me with. hurray to me!
Today, I am ending this post with a beautiful song. When Javed Akhtar writes lyrics, he fills them with magic and then when they play out on your speakers, they fill that magic wherever you are. This one is from a movie called Luck By Chance, which I love but it didn't do all that well (here's exactly what i love about it). It also has a lovely soundtrack and my favourite song from the movie has to be this one I'm sharing today. It is also quite special because Zoya Akhtar, the director decided to show us everything that goes on in the background of movie making, behind all the glamour and shine, the people who make the industry tick - the many unnamed extras that get lost behind the magnanimity of our heroes and heroines. Watch the video, from the link below. Here's another video where Zoya explains her logic of why the song was shot the way it was. I am such a sucker for all things Bollywood, at this point it's beyond shame.
This song talks about how life shows you and teaches you a lot of things in the blear path of dreams and takes you a lot of places in the search of an unknown love, who knows where we need to go and what we need to achieve, who knows what our destination is, when has the stubborn heart ever listened to us - it wants to reach for the stars and it wants all of them.
यह ज़िन्दगी भी क्या क्या हमको दिखलाती हैं
सपनों की धुंदली राह में,
यह ज़िन्दगी भी हमें कहाँ लेके आजाती हैं
एक अनजानी सी चाह में,
जाने हमको क्या पाना हैं
सोचों क्या हैं अपनी मंज़िल
समझाने से कब माना हैं
देखों करता ज़िद्द है यह दिल
छूने हैं तारे इससे
चाहिए सारे इससे
Yeh Zindagi Bhi
~ Javed Akhtar, Luck By Chance
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