It's amazing how every time I sign into this blogger account - i look at my sad state of blogging all through this year and maybe even my pitiful contributions last year and promise myself to write more. And those promises like many many ones that i make to myself, fall by the side while absolutely pointless and mundane happenings in life take their place instead.
Today, immense sickness and the absolute unwillingness but mostly incapability of moving from my couch led me to open this page. Giving my thoughts a little freedom to flow and giving my words a little courage to just be. I just celebrated my 29th birthday last week - and I realised it was the last year in my twenties. I have never been one to worry about my age - I have felt 60 years old for the last 10 years anyway - so my body is finally catching up with my mind. However, in spite of age not being a factor that defines anything I do or plan to do - i did realise that if there's one thing that has happened with time, is that this fear of putting my whole self out there, has increased many fold. Five years back, I would think nothing before posting on this blog about how earlier this year something that happened at work made me question my whole being, or how disappointed I was in my relationships, but now as soon as the thought of writing about those situations comes to my mind, I am fearful of "what if someone chances upon this?" - and so i stop. Maybe that is why I also take refuge in short stories, where i can use characters as a vehicle for everything I feel, all that I desire, all the careers I want to pursue, all the things I want to be - because under the guise of a fictional being - i could do everything and be anyone. I love that about writing - when I can't write what I, as Nayana, am feeling, I can hide behind a Tara and tell the world my story. That's also not something new, of course everyone who writes, acts, directs, or is involved in anything to do with the creative spirit, feels about creating - an outlet to be.
Often through the course of a year i have this immense urge to break free and go chase my dream and not think about the economic cost of doing it. There are literally times when i wake up in the night and tell myself, I need to make that change right now, or I won't be able to go on anymore the next day. And then I tell myself to sleep and that things always look their worst at 3 am at night. And indeed the next morning when i wake up, it's not all that bad, i go on to live my comfortable life and yes the urge to change the course of my life stays inside of me, but buried deep within until another night when I literally sit up and say - this is it. Fear, of the unknown, of letting go of what I already have in life, of failure, of being mocked, of losing all my money, or losing my health, of not having anyone to pick me up after everything is broken - fear, keeps me from taking the plunge. And so I don't. I haven't in all these years - i might soon, if I take gather up all that courage before it scurries away from me again.
After Europe captured my heart last year around, I decided to go back out there again this year to get some of my self back, only to realise i left a little bit more of myself in Europe again and returned to Singapore with a lighter self. Budapest, Vienna, Venice, Florence and Rome - each of these gorgeous places with their breathtaking sites and mesmerizing people held me back - one story, one hug, one smile at a time. People often tell me Europe in the summer will take your breath away - but visiting during the winter is a whole different deal. I'll give that a try soon enough to test the validity of that argument - i doubt it though, I doubt Europe with all its beauty could ever let me down. Singapore has been my home for many years now, but after this trip this summer, I had a tough time falling back in love with Singapore. And when I said that to a friend, he said to me - but that happens often, every time you come back to Singapore, it takes you a while to fall back in with it's rhythm. Except when I come back from India I guess. As much as I love India and love everything that is Indian in me, I do not think I can go back to living in that country - and every visit back to my parents feels timed - like i'm here for a bit - until I go back home, to Singapore. The only reason India i would call India home today is because my parents live there - for all other purposes my heart goes where I go.
On friendships, gaining and losing is a constant theme - after many mishaps last year, I decided not to trust anyone with everything anymore. Gosh, that sounds awfully sad doesn't it? It really isn't, sometimes it gets me very down - but most other times I am ok with the idea of letting go, of losing people, things, places. I have over the last two years grown so comfortable with being with myself - that I don't moan the lack of thick friendships anymore. I watched Dear Zindagi, last year and in one scene Shah Rukh Khan asks Alia who are her top five people life - the people she calls friends. And i realised if I were asked that question, I would of course name some people here in Singapore and in India, but I am not sure how many of them know me, know my dreams, identify with my crazy, how many believe in me - how many can I be myself with, how many know all about me. So I would name them for the sake of not sounding sad.
If someone were to ask me, who I would call at my 3 am madness bouts of wanting to change my life - i wouldn't be able to name one name. So while, being your own best friend is all good and healthy, it is sometimes critical to have someone to advise you, listen to your wild plans and be wild with you or slap your face and ask you to come out of your drunken stupor. Adithya, my friend comes to mind, but we've had our differences and like all relationships that are truthful and honest, ours has gone through it ups and downs. Only to grow stronger every time, thankfully.
Apart from him, I could sit down and have a conversation with the many acquaintances I have over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine or a plate of chicken wings, but I wouldn't be me. And sometimes, it is even tough for me to do that with Adithya too. This is of course more a reflection on me and my inability to connect genuinely with people, an inherent trust issue or a wall that I build even before i share, lest they disappoint me with their responses or their unwillingness to understand my often dreamy ideas. How do people have that one person they can be mad with? I envy that. I often blame it on life, and tell people that this is how it is, as you grow old there will be less and less people who understand you, and so if you have one or max two that you happen to connect with, that's all you need. My nomadic childhood hasn't helped in making lifelong friendships. I can also often call bullshit when I see it and I am sensitive to people who are not genuine as soon as I meet them. And as sad as it is, most people lack warmth and actual genuineness. Or maybe that's just in my head.
Maybe I am also asking for too much in my friendships - why can't have groups of friends I rant with, friends I yoga with, friends I paint with, friends I travel with, friends I watch movies with, friends I go to classical concerts with - all different groups - and not compare them to this idea of friendship i have in my head. Why does anyone have to listen to my 3 am worries? I once somewhere read that friendships are a continued process of acceptance and forgiveness - which is what Adithya and I are, I guess. I have a couple of other friends in Singapore who I won't share life with simply because they haven't earned my trust or having earned it, have broken it in the past - so while i have forgiven them and we have gone back to being friends, I would never open my hearts to them ever again.
I can name one more person at work though, KY, who knows me and whom I can be open with. With KY, I walk up to him & tell him everything I'm feeling - laugh at one minute and cry the other and expect him to understand - i often joke that he is my child, because he is such a pure soul - when you meet him, all you want to do is protect him from the fakeness floating in the world - he gets my crazy because he is crazy in his own way - between the two of us we have enough drama to keep our lives interesting.
Growing up without a stable set of friends and then moving to a country that has instability in relationships as it's most harmful side-effect, hasn't helped me feel better about my friendships - Singapore as much as i love it, is brutal for you to try to form any real friendships. People fade, move out, get along with their lives while you stand aside and watch them go. But maybe that's not a Singapore thing? Maybe it's a big city thing? Or maybe it's a life thing? Again, I am for sure, not the only one to be afflicted with this. The fact that I am introvert makes it tough for me to get to know people in the first place.
Wow, not bad eh, that's all I feel about friends here in Singapore - well not all - I could go on to say a few things more - but the gist of it is apart from my I need not be doing what I'm doing for a job, the second thing I'm constantly thinking about is friends or what a friend is. Being sensitive has its positives, but you will lose out on being tolerant around people who you totally don't gel with - and unfortunately for me - that's about 90% of the people around. In my short two week vacation in Europe - i met people who sat down spoke with me about coffee, food, politics, climate change, their favorite book, their favorite musicians, what they love about their city/village/country and what they are afraid of - men and women who were genuine, open, honest and were interested in wide variety of topics from mundane things like the quality of tomatoes in Budapest to role of money in modern society and relationships to what happiness means. Now I'm not saying I only want to talk life philosophies all the time, but my point is, when I do, no one listens, or contributes or has anything worthwhile to say. The penultimate theme every conversation amounts to in Singapore is - where are you going for the next long weekend. And God save you if you say you're staying in the country - because what a waste of time that would be - also you wouldn't have anything to say in the next set of "so how was your last vacation in Asia" conversations.
I'm being too morbid. Maybe if I went around drinking espressos and Aperol spritz in Singapore - people would open up to me and share what they really think about life :)
Speaking of Aperol Spritz, if there was one place that will stay with me for the rest of my life, it is Venice and in my next post, I'll tell you why.
Maybe I should do a series of hello 29?
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