सावन बीतो जाए पिहरवा
मन मेरा घबराये
ऐसो गए परदेस पिया तुम
चैन हमे नहीं आये
मोरा सैय्याँ मोसे बोले ना
मैं लाख जतन कर हारी
लाख जतन कर हार रही
मोरा सैय्याँ मोसे बोले ना
मोरा सैय्याँ मोसे बोले ना
~ Fuzon, Khamaj
"Do i still get a hug?", he asked. She smiled, and said 'of course.' And as she hugged him for what maybe the last time, she didn't want to let go. Her favorite thing to do, was to remember scents, and she took in his scent for the last time. As she turned to walk away, she locked in that scent and that moment. She wanted to run, she wanted to stand still, she wanted to walk away, but she also wanted to turn back and walk to him. He was joking right? In his usual way, that was so him, he was going to spring up from behind and hug her and say it was a joke. For a second, she almost believed that. But he didn't, because he wasn't joking. She'd only asked him that question because his silence and his aloofness had been bothering her. She never really meant for him to answer "is there something you want to tell me" with a yes. But when he did, the world around her dissolved. She stared at him, again expecting him to break into a smile and say "no silly, i'm just caught up with work". But again, he didn't. He went onto to say that he didn't see them working out. And she heard her heart thump against her chest. Could he hear it? It was so loud, maybe everyone in the food court could hear it. She tried calming it down.
All the lessons from her trip last month, about being centered came back to her. And like she often does, in such times, she withdrew herself inwards. She wrapped herself with love and put her away. Now nothing he said would hurt her, because she wasn't there. He continued to speak, and she continued to chant in the back of her head. And when he stopped, she smiled and said, "it's ok". Was it meant for her or for him? Who was she reassuring? He maybe was expecting her to shout, scream, cry, be angry, ask him why he had said what he had. But she didn't and so he asked her, 'why aren't you angry? When was the last time you were angry?' She smiled a little more, and said, "I don't get angry". What would anger do in this situation anyway, how would it help them, how would it help her? There's loads more he wanted to say, he said, but he admitted to it sounding cliched and that's the last thing he wanted to do.
And just like that it was over.
As she walked back home that night, the sights, sounds, colours, lights everything ceased to exist. She'd been having a tough time adjusting to being back to a city after a month of nature and bliss. And this evening had set her efforts back even more. As soon as she'd left him, she let herself come out of that cocoon. And cried. She didn't care that she was amongst 100,000 people who could see her sob. She didn't care. A 5 minute walk to the train station, took her 20 minutes. And when she was there she changed her direction and started walking towards where he had taken her on one of their first few dates. One of my favorite places in this city, he had said. She walked through her tears, and reached that area. And then she couldn't get herself to cross the road to go there. So she turned back and walked towards the train station again. She didn't care who was seeing, what people would think, how she looked, she was falling apart and she continued to cry.
As she walked back home that night, the sights, sounds, colours, lights everything ceased to exist. She'd been having a tough time adjusting to being back to a city after a month of nature and bliss. And this evening had set her efforts back even more. As soon as she'd left him, she let herself come out of that cocoon. And cried. She didn't care that she was amongst 100,000 people who could see her sob. She didn't care. A 5 minute walk to the train station, took her 20 minutes. And when she was there she changed her direction and started walking towards where he had taken her on one of their first few dates. One of my favorite places in this city, he had said. She walked through her tears, and reached that area. And then she couldn't get herself to cross the road to go there. So she turned back and walked towards the train station again. She didn't care who was seeing, what people would think, how she looked, she was falling apart and she continued to cry.
The trains were delayed that evening, when one eventually came, she couldn't get herself to get up from the bench she was sitting on to go board it. So she let it go and took the next one. There was nothing running through her head, what was there was the sound of silence. She walked back home from the train station, and wished the church next to her house would have still been open. She would've gone and sat on the steps of the over-bridge that overlooks the church. That always calmed her down, almost like she was unburdening herself in front of God and he would take care of her worries. But the church was closed for renovation, and if she sat on the steps, all she could see were cranes and building material.
So she crossed the church and walked towards her home. Her 4 floor walk-up apartment was always a painful climb, but that night, it was never ending. She would stop at every floor, almost as if reaching home would mean accepting what had happened that night, and the more she could delay that, the more she could delay reality. It can't be true, he couldn't have meant what he had said. Things were going so well, this was almost coming out of nowhere. And the universe had spoken to her, the 'Soul of the World', had told her that it'll take care of the both of them. He was the intention she had sent out into the universe. The signs can't be lying.
She remember how she'd secretly smile to herself every time anyone said that they didn't see it working. Because in her heart she knew. But how can you explain what you felt about the language that the universe spoke to you in to others? And most of them, didn't even understand that something like that existed. So she rubbished them all and went along with him. Had he not seen it as well? Those signs? She spoke to him about dreams and destiny and soul mates and maktub.
When she closed the door to her room behind her, she switched on her bedside lamp and the room was suddenly flooded with light. It was almost like something inside her had switched on. She stopped crying and finally let what he'd said sink in. Recounted word for word what he'd said. Recalled his blue t-shirt, his grey/blue eyes when he'd said to her he didn't see them working, the tone of disappointment as he said it, the silence inside her as he'd continued talking about random other things as she sat there on that table, with two empty bowls. Two bowls that an hour ago were hot soup, everything she and he had needed to take away the stresses of their worklife. Now empty. Like them. Suddenly, the food court was in front of her, in her room. She fell to the floor, and hugged herself, and patted herself to sleep.
Over the next few days, she continued to oscillate between moments of clarity and moments of silence. Almost like, when it got too much, she'd deny reality. People said stuff like "sooner than later", "you weren't together for too long anyway", "i knew it wouldn't work, you wouldn't have moved with him right?" And she took it all in. Because how could she explain to them what she'd known in the depths of her heart. How could she explain to them, that she didn't measure time the way they did. But that for her time was what the universe traveled in, and it was endless. And for however 'short', they'd traveled in the same current as the universe. How could she tell them, that he was the intention she'd sent out that beautiful night amongst rice fields in the island of Gods, an offering she'd made in a temple on top of a hill, that as the wheel spun and moved the clay under her hands, she shaped it into a bowl, a bowl that she infused with her prayers and love for him. A bowl she'd placed in his hands less then a week back. How could she tell people, that she would've followed him anywhere, and that that wouldn't mean sacrificing her dreams, her dreams traveled with her. And wasn't he her dream as well? How could she tell them, that as the plane shook in turbulence on her way back, she'd asked God to protect her, just so she could see him. And that as she walked to him through those exit gates in the airport, she thanked God, for her life and for him. But little did she know, that he'd already made his decision then.
So she did what she does best when she knows no one will understand what she was feeling. How could she explain to the very people who didn't see it working, why she felt like a wave had washed her life. She knew she'll be fine, but she didn't want to hear that right now. She wanted someone to hold her, while she accepted what had happened, and grieved for what she had lost. Being raw and showing your emotions have become weak things to do. It's the most powerful you can be, to show your vulnerable self to the world. "You cried? Why? Come on, he isn't crying for you, is he?". Of course he isn't, she thought, but he also wasn't her. And why wouldn't she feel bad, why wouldn't she be heartbroken, why couldn't she cry.
So she crossed the church and walked towards her home. Her 4 floor walk-up apartment was always a painful climb, but that night, it was never ending. She would stop at every floor, almost as if reaching home would mean accepting what had happened that night, and the more she could delay that, the more she could delay reality. It can't be true, he couldn't have meant what he had said. Things were going so well, this was almost coming out of nowhere. And the universe had spoken to her, the 'Soul of the World', had told her that it'll take care of the both of them. He was the intention she had sent out into the universe. The signs can't be lying.
She remember how she'd secretly smile to herself every time anyone said that they didn't see it working. Because in her heart she knew. But how can you explain what you felt about the language that the universe spoke to you in to others? And most of them, didn't even understand that something like that existed. So she rubbished them all and went along with him. Had he not seen it as well? Those signs? She spoke to him about dreams and destiny and soul mates and maktub.
When she closed the door to her room behind her, she switched on her bedside lamp and the room was suddenly flooded with light. It was almost like something inside her had switched on. She stopped crying and finally let what he'd said sink in. Recounted word for word what he'd said. Recalled his blue t-shirt, his grey/blue eyes when he'd said to her he didn't see them working, the tone of disappointment as he said it, the silence inside her as he'd continued talking about random other things as she sat there on that table, with two empty bowls. Two bowls that an hour ago were hot soup, everything she and he had needed to take away the stresses of their worklife. Now empty. Like them. Suddenly, the food court was in front of her, in her room. She fell to the floor, and hugged herself, and patted herself to sleep.
Over the next few days, she continued to oscillate between moments of clarity and moments of silence. Almost like, when it got too much, she'd deny reality. People said stuff like "sooner than later", "you weren't together for too long anyway", "i knew it wouldn't work, you wouldn't have moved with him right?" And she took it all in. Because how could she explain to them what she'd known in the depths of her heart. How could she explain to them, that she didn't measure time the way they did. But that for her time was what the universe traveled in, and it was endless. And for however 'short', they'd traveled in the same current as the universe. How could she tell them, that he was the intention she'd sent out that beautiful night amongst rice fields in the island of Gods, an offering she'd made in a temple on top of a hill, that as the wheel spun and moved the clay under her hands, she shaped it into a bowl, a bowl that she infused with her prayers and love for him. A bowl she'd placed in his hands less then a week back. How could she tell people, that she would've followed him anywhere, and that that wouldn't mean sacrificing her dreams, her dreams traveled with her. And wasn't he her dream as well? How could she tell them, that as the plane shook in turbulence on her way back, she'd asked God to protect her, just so she could see him. And that as she walked to him through those exit gates in the airport, she thanked God, for her life and for him. But little did she know, that he'd already made his decision then.
So she did what she does best when she knows no one will understand what she was feeling. How could she explain to the very people who didn't see it working, why she felt like a wave had washed her life. She knew she'll be fine, but she didn't want to hear that right now. She wanted someone to hold her, while she accepted what had happened, and grieved for what she had lost. Being raw and showing your emotions have become weak things to do. It's the most powerful you can be, to show your vulnerable self to the world. "You cried? Why? Come on, he isn't crying for you, is he?". Of course he isn't, she thought, but he also wasn't her. And why wouldn't she feel bad, why wouldn't she be heartbroken, why couldn't she cry.
They would never know. How could they, they weren't there under a sky full of stars, as he held her, as they both just stood there, looking up, thinking their own thoughts, smiling to themselves, thanking the universe. How could they understand that every time she picked an eyelash that had fallen on his face, and asked him to wish on it, she wished with him. They couldn't. Her belief that she doesn't belong to this world, and the people that inhabit it, grows stronger everyday. She withdrew herself from the world and booked flights to go to the place where she could be herself, without explanation. No one could understand how she felt, and she didn't even want to tell anyone anything anymore.
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