आंहटें

आंहटें  हो रही तेरी
दिल के दर पे मेरे
तू यहीं हैं
कहीं ना  कहीं

आंहटें  हो रही तेरी
दिल के दर पे मेरे
तू यहीं हैं
कहीं ……

कभी मेरे ख्वाब सा
कभी उलझजे जवाब सा
कि चंदा में भी दाग सा
मेरे जैसा तू
के दरियां का हों एक सिरा
कि अरमानो का सिलसिला
कि सेहरा में भी आब  सा
मेरे जैसा तू
मेरे जैसा तू

आंहटें  हो रही तेरी
दिल के दर पे मेरे
तू यहीं हैं
कहीं ना  कहीं

~~ Aahatein, Agnee

This song brings back insane amount of memories. It was the farewell song for when a couple of folks from our team left to join another team at work. We were young and it was everyone's first job, so the team had bonded really well and to then suddenly split was painful. So a farewell video was made with pictures from all the fun times and this song was the background music for that slideshow of pictures. I think everyone cried at the end of it, when it was played in the last team meeting.

But generally it's such a beautiful song. Sounds and smells trigger off such strong emotions and nudge old memories to come out of the dust ridden box we've kept them safely stored in. And once they are out, this silsila continues, one memory after another,  some sad, some crazy funny. Often when I hear some songs play on the radio, there's this sudden connection it makes to what I was feeling at that point in time in my life, when it used to be a favorite. And everything that you were experiencing then, comes flooding back.

I've always been one to sit and dream, so when this flood of emotions threatens to break open the strongly locked gate or facade that I keep up, I often find myself, opening those gates willingly, just so I can revel in the past for a bit. And once you welcome it, you have no control on where it takes you. It might mean you sit and think for hours and suddenly finding yourself tearing up, or might even mean this warm gush of love and security, a feeling that makes you sleep like a baby at night.

Letting go is not for me. I've been terrible at it in the past and I am not being very successful with it right now. This last week I had lunch with a friend and I told her all the things I've been doing, the trip I took to Jogja for new years & my plans for this year, and she looked at me and said, you seem to be doing well and why not, there is nothing wrong in your life, you live in Singapore, you have a kickass job and you are doing all these wonderful things. For about 30 mins after that lunch, I was on a high. And literally made myself believe that yes, I was kicking ass and life was great. And then i was sitting at my desk when a very familiar tune played out on the radio and suddenly this whole wall that I had built around me crumbled.

And then I realised the lie I am living and convincing myself to believe every single minute. The noise I fill my head with when I am alone. At the risk of sounding mad, I do find myself talking to myself pretending that someone is talking back to me,answering my questions, advising me, refuting my political beliefs and defending corporate life as I crib about things at work. I realised I was, and maybe, I am, still holding onto a shadow. Your shadow. Your spirit waking me up, putting me to sleep, singing me songs, watching movies with me, laughing with me, reminiscing about the past, discussing happenings in our friends lives, listening to me gossip, watching me dance to the new bollywood songs, and dancing with me, though on a laptop, miles away. Listening to me blabber about nonsense as I cut vegetables for the night's dinner, with you perched on top of the fridge on a laptop staring down at me working in the kitchen. Often I've found myself flittering in and out of this state of dream and reality, I've caught myself just in time from opening a chat window and typing away to share something.

Yes, letting go doesn't come to me naturally. So after this realisation hit me after that lunch, I wanted to run away far from everyone. I wanted to go to a new place with new people, where I wouldn't know anyone and no one would know about me. I looked around my desk, watching people at work, and found this sudden need to rush out of there to just go breathe somewhere. And then when i was safely out, I found myself breaking down for the first time. Actually letting myself accept what had happened. And I suddenly felt alone, and realised wherever I go from here, I go alone. I wanted to rush back to be secure and loved and I also wanted to fast forward to when life will be ok again. Anywhere but here.

That night when I went home, I closed my bedroom door, locked it shut and sat on my bed, closed my eyes and remembered everything. Sat cross-legged and took it day by day, month by month and at each point asked myself to let go, to set it free. It was making me so tired, holding onto these things and you. So i asked myself to feel for once what I truly wanted to feel, stop pretending that things will be ok. Maybe they will, maybe they won't, but I can't live a lie. In that exercise of trying to convince myself, I found myself still tightly clinging to what i was so afraid to lose. I wouldn't let it go. I wasn't ready yet. In all the deep darkness behind my closed eyes, the only light was you. So i dusted the memories and packed them neatly and put them away safely, only to be set free, but that was for another time when I am stronger, because right now I am standing on the edge of a cliff, with my eyes closed, and the only thing that keeps me from jumping is the sounds and words of the past and the fake reality that I've completely succeeded to make myself believe. And until I am stronger to open my eyes and walk away, I'm going to stand here, remembering you. Hoping somewhere you are remembering me, and your spirit and your footsteps, your aahatein continue to stand beside me, holding my hand, telling me to go live my dreams, because if I ever falter and lose my balance, all I have to do it look back, I'll always have you to comfort me, to love me.

तेरा हूँ मैं
तुझे क्यूँ ना  यकीन हैं
चाहत में मेरी आखिर क्या कम्मी हैं
तुझमे ही तो चुप्पी मेरी खुदी हैं
मेरी खुदी
कुछ ना  सही
कुछ ना सही
कुछ ना सही

आंहटें  हो रही तेरी
दिल के दर पे मेरे
तू यहीं हैं
कहीं ……

कभी मेरे ख्वाब सा
कभी उलझजे जवाब सा
कि चंदा में भी दाग सा
मेरे जैसा तू
के दरियां का हों एक सिरा
कि अरमानो का सिलसिला
कि सेहरा में भी आब  सा
मेरे जैसा तू
मेरे जैसा तू

आंहटें  हो रही तेरी
दिल के दर पे मेरे
तू यहीं हैं
कहीं ना  कहीं