Fitoor

अभी मुझ मैं कहीं
बाकी थोड़ी सी हैं ज़िन्दगी
जगी, धड़कन नयी
जाना ज़िंदा हूँ मैं तोह अभी
कुछ ऐसी लगन
इस लम्हे में हैं
यह लम्हा कहाँ था मेरा

अब हैं सामने
इससे छू लू ज़रा
मर जाऊं या जी लूं ज़रा
खुशियां चूम लूं
या रो लू ज़रा
मर जाऊं या जी लू ज़रा

~~ Amitabh bhattacharya
~ Agneepath

There is something about certain words. Either they sound beautiful or they mean things that one has to feel and can not be explained in words. Darmiyaan is one such word for me, it has to be my favorite Urdu word, there are loads that sound even more beautiful, but darmiyaan is my word. Literally it just means "in between", but if you feel the word, it means so much more. Fitoor, is another such word. Literally it means disorder. But actually the word means, a madness, a craziness, someone's crazy stubborn desire. Not just in love, it can be anything, anything you're passionate about. A goal you are steadfastly working towards in life, can be your fitoor.

It was a Friday night, Shiv was out with his friends at pub, doing the usual Friday night routine. And he saw her. He'd always seen her around, here and there. She worked in the same building as him, in another company, but the same tower. She was wearing a black dress that ended just above the knees and had a U-shaped neck. The wheat brown skin around her neck was covered with a necklace that were like small silver droplets, loads of them, 4 strings to be precise. It was Indian and yet western. It would go with a saree but also with what she was wearing. She also had  a mauve colored half shawl draped around her shoulders. London was beginning to get cold, the winter cold and not the rain cold. It will soon be the festive season.  She was with a big group of friends. But in between all that music and laughter, she was lost, gazing into a space, almost like she was keenly watching something far away, trying to savor it while it lasts. All that noise, didn't seem to distract her, and then suddenly she turned and looked at him. He wanted to look away, but he held his stare. She must have sensed someone watching him. They looked at each other and then he smiled, dipping his head a little as a way of saying hello. She smiled back and someone dragged her into a conversation.

When his group rose to leave, she was standing outside, waiting for a cab. He just felt like going and talking to her, so he did. He was always one to listen to his heart, irrespective of whether or not it made sense. Her name was Tara. They spoke while she waited for her cab to arrive. She had seen him around as well, she said. She had been living in London for a year now, and was only now beginning to love it. The people weren't all that nice initially, but now she was used to the British way of life. She was from Delhi, Bangalore actually, but Delhi felt more like home, she had studied there. Which college he asked, Jesus and Mary college. Oh, his mother went there, what course? Economics! His mother too, he said. In fact one of his mother's colleagues now teaches the Macro course in the college and he loved her! Her name was Ela Trivedi, did she know her? Why, of course, Ela Trivedi or ET as they (fondly) called her, was her favorite teacher, and if she ever studied Economics later, it would only be because of her.

Looks like the cabs are all busy this Friday night, he said. Yes, maybe she should try the Tube. Why not walk it, where does she live, he asked? Not a bad idea, I don't live nearby,but she could walk it. He would love to accompany her, if she doesn't mind he said. He seemed like a pretty OK guy and she wouldn't mind the company. She had been pretty off mood this evening anyway. She was used to being alone when she was a little upset, but why not try and forget her worries for a while. After all after she reached home, she could be alone all she wanted. Yes, of course, she said and they walked.

More Delhi talk followed, he was from Stephens. So they had a small north campus, south campus mock tiff. She claimed that all the sophisticated lot went to south campus and he said, the idea of a "campus" was non-existent outside north campus. That was where you felt like you were in university. Ah the usual Stephen-ian nonsense, she said, what do you guys call your canteen, oh sorry, not canteen, "Cafe", I hope I didn't offend you with 'canteen'. Yea, whatever. And they laughed at how it still affected them. It took her back to her college days. She loved Delhi, she found herself saying. She really did. Such a pity the people are such pain to live with, it would be such a beautiful city, if not for the people. But the people are hilarious right? And they went on to talk about Delhi people. He said something about how women said "By God" and she laughed aloud.

He wanted her to talk forever, he just watched her as she spoke, looking at her smile at one of his jokes or throw her head back and laugh, or narrate an incident from her college days or from her times in London.  They spoke more about loads of different things. He made her feel nice and light, free from whatever was worrying her and she made him feel like he was sitting and listening to someone sing, like there was music in her voice. How had he not noticed her this way before, they had seen each other so many times in the lift lobby. She wasn't beautiful, but there was something about her that caught your eye. You wouldn't give her a second look, but then there some people who captivated you once you spoke to them, she was like that, he was enchanted, spellbound, mesmerized, dazzled - whatever, he was just lost. He had been in love many times before. But she was like a fresh breath of air, like in this world too full of temporary emotions and fleeting feelings, of aches and worries and pretentious people and people who were too sane, she was a whiff of the fragrance emanating from the earth when it rained or from freshly cut grass. Just a whiff, there but also not there. Right here, now, this feeling, he had with her was ethereal. There was no desire or lust or want or need, it was perfect and which was why it was almost like from another world. If someone had asked him then the definition of happy, he would have asked them to feel what he was feeling.  

They got talking about movies and music. And they sang old Hindi songs, and new ones. In the middle of the night in London. She walked and danced. Not dance, dance, but swaying dance, like  she wanted the wind to come get her, and carry her away on it's wings. To take her to where she didn't have to be reasonable or  where she didn't need to justify what she felt, or even to express, where she could just be.  She found herself smiling, actually really genuinely smiling. At that  point she looked at him, and just smiled wider. He smiled back and then started talking about how a lot of people didn't like Jab Tak Hain Jaan, but there was something in that movie that he related to. And then he said, "like this dialogue Rishi Kapoor says:

हर इश्क़ का एक वक़्त होता हैं
वोह हमारा वक़्त नहीं था,
पर इसका यह मतलब नहीं
कि वोह इश्क़ नहीं था
मुझे अपने इश्क़ पर पूरा यकीन था
जब इश्क़ के सामने खुदा  झुक जाता हैं
तोह वक़्त क्या हैं
उसे  तोह बदलना ही था

It reminded her of someone. That movie. She went a little silent. It was his time to look at her now, he asked her, what did she think of when she got lost in time like this, who did she think of, it was so melancholic, her look, like she was trying to forget but also trying to hard to remember and hold on. He saw her shoulders shrink and her body cringe. Maybe he shouldn't have asked her that question. He apologized and said it was none of his business. She looked at him and said, he didn't need to apologize and began to tell him about a time in her life when she had loved someone, and how she thought, when she loved someone, she would love him for the rest of her life and with a stubbornness or madness that goes beyond all human understanding. It would be her fitoor. That she believed in her heart that she would be the more loving one. But suddenly she felt herself out of love and for the longest time she denied it to herself and forced herself to believe what was not true. He had loved her so much, like nothing else ever existed for him and that seeing her happy was all he wanted. That was the kind of love she had wanted and dreamt of. "You know that kind of love?" He looked at her, they had stopped and were now sitting on a bench looking at the Thames. "That kind of love exists?"  She smiled and said "yes, it does". He made a face turned to her and said "no, you can't find that kind of love anymore now, it just exists in good books and bad movies" and laughed. She laughed too, it was a dialogue from a movie and he completed the dialogue with :

"Kehte hain, mohabbat ke zamane guzar gaye janaab
ab chotte mote pyaar se hi kaam chala lijiye aap"

And they laughed again. And then they went silent. She realized she had told him too much. Just too much. And she didn't even know him. But somehow she didn't feel weird about it. She felt like she had always known him and had him in her life. Shiv was taking in everything she had said, she sounded like someone so weak and yet so strong. It took him a minute to fall in "love" with someone usually, but this time was he falling in love with her? He never answered that question, she got up, she had to go she said and with that she walked away."Hey", he called out, "we should meet again?". She turned and said "Do you always talk in riddles like this? Is that a statement or a question?", "it can be whatever you want it to be," and she shook her head at him and left.

He just sat there and watched at her go. He sat there for a long time, and all he could do is think about her, and how she laughed, her smell, the small curls in her hair, that bounced against the high of her cheeks, the way her lips curled, when she didn't want to smile and was trying to control it, and how it created a small dimple like dent in her left cheek, but the smile eventually came out and spread across that face of hers.  Her eyes, that twinkled with mischievousness, how she hid the fact that there was a crazy mad streak inside her, that she tried to hide by being calm and modest and controlled. Something he had said had made her laugh like mad, to the point where there were tears rolling down her face, ruining her eye make up, but she didn't care, at that point she just wanted to laugh. And she did. Why was he thinking of her like this? She was still too caught up with the past, and a part of her, still loved that someone. So what was the point. But he just couldn't stop thinking about her.

She got a cab from down the road. She couldn't stay there for any longer. And had to leave. Maybe she shouldn't have left like that. Maybe she should have said a proper bye and answered his question? She did want to meet him again, but then she was afraid of getting to know him too much. she liked him. She really liked him. Did she like him too much. No, she couldn't like him. He had stirred something deep in her, and if she hadn't left she would have cried.

He spent the next whole day thinking about her. He had a party to go to in the evening. One of his friends had moved into a new house, it was a house warming of sorts. He got down from the cab and walked towards the house. On the other end of the street, a cab stopped and a lady got out. It was her. She was wearing a bright red and yellow colored dress. All he wanted to do was run and take her in his arms and kiss her. But he walked towards the house and her and she walked towards him. They briefly hugged and said hi. They walked to the front door and rang the bell, she turned to look at him, and said : "Sorry about yesterday, I just wanted to leave for some reason. Sorry for leaving without saying a proper good bye". He clicked his tongue and said "बड़े बड़े देशों में ऐसी छोटी छोटी बातें होती रहती हैं senorita!" She laughed and the door opened. At the party, at one point, she sat on the edge of the couch and watched him. He was being his usual charming self. What was she trying to do? Judge whether he treated her in any special way or was he his same self with everyone? But why did she want for him to treat her specially anyway? He saw her watching and then came sat next to her. "You're ok?" he asked, she looked at him and smiled. There was a glint in his eyes, a shine. The group started playing a game and the night went on and on. At one point she looked at her watch, it was really late, "Want to leave?" Shiv asked. Tara was startled for a minute. Yes, she wanted to leave, but she also wanted to stay, just to be with him a few minutes longer. But she nodded and said yes, "Ok, let's go," he said. "Why will you leave, you stay enjoy the party,", "how about you and I have a cup of coffee somewhere?" he asked, "at 1 in the night?", "Yes, this is London city, it stays open!" She laughed and agreed. She was getting pulled, into something, which was not good for her. She knew it. But all she was doing was giving herself a chance of being happy. What if?

They left and started walking towards a street which had a coffee shop that stayed open late. She started humming a song from Jab Tak Hain Jaan : Heer and then she sang a verse,

नाल नाल टूर ना  ते वित् रखना
हद  रख लेना विच दिल रखना
छानवे छानवे पावे
अस्सी तेरी परचावे टूर ना

"It's one of my favorite songs from the movie. Brilliant no, it's a punjabi folk song, and AR has done such a brilliant job of it!" she said. "I never understood what it means, i really like the tune, but never understood the meaning of the punjabi lyrics" he said.  She explained the song to him and the story behind it. Then she went on to explain the meaning behind this verse:

walk close to me, and don't keep any distance between us, mark a boundary and keep your heart in between. While we walk like this, under your shadow, I'll find my shade.

They walked silently until they reached the cafe. And he got back to being his usual funny self. When the coffee was served, and the waiter left. Suddenly he said "I love you". She had emptied two sachets of sugar and was stirring her coffee when he said that. She stopped and looked up. He wasn't being smart.  "Shiv, you've known me for two days." "Yes, but I love you. and that's all i know. and I feel like I've loved you all my life, and that I've been waiting for someone like you to come along. and I feel one with you, like you understand me, don't you feel like that? haven't you sensed it? I feel like what I had been waiting for, has finally arrived. I've finally found it, and it has found me"

She closed her eyes and tilted her head to the right, pursed her lips, and then opened her eyes, and said to him, "yes, I have felt that connection, I too, feel like you and I have always known each other and not like we met for the first time yesterday. All I want to do all the time, is be with you. Just be with you. But we need to get to know each other more, what do we know about each other? nothing," Shiv reached out and held her hands and cupped her hands in his and told Tara "We'll get to know each other, I'm not saying marry me, I am just telling you, I want to be with you. What's the harm in trying" She looked at him, tearing up a little now, " I'm engaged to be married in six months. It's an arranged marriage. I don't have the time to try anything with anyone."

"Do you love him?" She was silent and finally said " yes and no, I don't love him, like how..." "Like how love is supposed to be?", Tara smiled, "yes, i don't love him like that, but I'll have a happy good life with him." They fell silent again, and finally sipped on their now lukewarm coffee.

And then he spoke up "and that will be enough for you? Enough for someone who seeks that love, that passion and that energy from everything in life. You are settling for just 'good', not the mad and the crazy? Does he make you laugh?" She looked at him with surprise, "I guess, he does". "you guess, Tara, you" and then he sighed loudly, closed his eyes and started speaking "It's not my place to tell you what to do with your life, but I'll tell you so much. In the last two days I have spent with you,  I've felt like there is nothing that makes me happier than being with you and you said you feel the same. Maybe not the intensity with which I feel it. But I'll wait for you to realise that. This is not a fleeting momentary feeling that you have after you meet a stranger. I know this is different.  So you know what, go get married to this man. I'll be here waiting. I know this sounds crazy, but I have never felt this way for anyone before and I don't think I am going to again as well. I just don't want to give up on what I have, for you. And what I might have, with you. Remember I narrated that dialogue from jab tak hain jaan, about love. This might break me, and I might end up waiting my whole life, but I know I have the power to love like that and that will keep me alive, and I also know that this maybe not be our time, but it will be sooner or later. Our time will come and until then I will wait for you. What was the word you used yesterday, fitoor, yes, that is what you are. My fitoor. I know you'll come back for me someday in life. And I'll be here."

There was nothing more that she could say to that. She realised it and kept silent. They paid the bill and he walked her home. They were silent for most of the way back home. When he reached, he pushed the wooden gate to her house and stopped, she continued walking, and realised, that he wasn't walking along her anymore, she looked back and he was retracing his steps, walking backwards, all the time looking at her, and then he turned and walked away.


डोर से टूटी पतंग जैसी
थी यह ज़िंदगानी मेरी
आज हूँ कल हो मेरा न हो
हर दिन थी कहानी मेरी
एक बंधन नाय पीछे से अब मुझको बुलाये
आनेवाला कल कि फिकर
क्यूँ मुझको सता जाए
एक ऐसी चुभन
इस लम्हे में हैं
यह लम्हा कहाँ था मेरा

अब हैं सामने
इससे  छू  लूं ज़रा
मर जाऊं या जी लूं ज़रा
खुशियां चूम लूं,
या रो लूं ज़रा
मर जाऊं या जी लूं ज़रा