Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if I have the strength it takes to follow my heart. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder, if what I want is truly what I want or just a reflection of someone else's desires. Sometimes, just sometimes, when I look back, I wonder if all my choices have truly been mine or have they been subconsciously guided by another.
Sometimes I wonder if "closure" as a concept exists. Or is it something we've created to make ourselves feel better? What is closure? What if you never want closure from something. What if you want to keep the good and happy memories from an experience or a relationship or a situation and never let go? And after all, the things you go through in life are really the events that shape you and your thoughts and are a major part of what your future choices and actions will be. So why would you want closure from something like that? And then what is the guarantee that after you've attained this state of "closure" you'll feel better? What if a fragrance, or a tune, or a voice takes you back all those years and open the gates to what is hidden in this big box labelled closure in the deep recesses of your mind and heart? What do you do then? What happened to the closure you so successfully managed to achieve?
A million people will try to read you in a million ways. But who knows you best? You yourself? Your best friend? Your parents? I've come to realize, no one. I don't know myself today. I don't know what I want. Most folks walk up to me and ask me to introspect and discover myself and what I want from life. Sometimes, when I'm in the mood, I put it down on paper or in an email addressed to myself. But most times, when I am sitting down on my couch with my chai in my hands and doing nothing, absolutely nothing, then my mind takes me to thoughts that I didn't know existed inside of me. But that's the problem with thoughts, they hint at what you might want, but they don't point you to the path you should take. To infer that from the hints, is still your job.
I've heard people speak about heartbreak and read it in books. Everyone has their own take. Some say, it shatters the core of your being. Any kind of heartbreak, not only romantic. In my world, there was room for only Black and White, Grey as a concept didn't exist, and whenever it tried to peep in and show it's face, I would shoo it away, so confident and secure in my life, so sure that I would never find the need for any shade of grey. There are a couple of posts on this blog, about black and white and grey. When i read them now, I don't think that I was naive, I felt that at that moment in my life, so no regrets. I've grown as a person and as a woman since then, and unfortunately discovered grey exists and in many many varied shades.
Anyway, coming back to heartbreak. It shatters you. When someone you've grown up with, someone who loves you to the ends of this earth and beyond, is no more in your life, you feel an immense emptiness and loneliness that nothing and no one can fill. Especially tough is to come to terms with the fact that this distance and this separation is your doing. You no longer are your own person. Someone else and something else has taken over you. For how long, you don't know. Maybe for as long as it takes for you to live with that void in your life and that hollow in your life. You try to escape it, you look forward to an upcoming trip, you visit your parents, but you eventually have to come back to your daily life. Your lonely daily life.
People say right, that when you shatter, you break into pieces and then you learn to pick up those pieces and join them back to live a whole life again. A simple three step process : you break- pick up the pieces - live life again. Oh, I wish it were that simple. To realize that you are broken, takes you so much time. For the realization to hit your core and for you to soak in the knowledge of what you just gave up and what you have to live with now and what you'll never find again, oh Jesus, for that realization to hit you takes ages. Ages.
And when it does, you crumble, that's when you crumble. Nothing helps. Not your music, not your parents, not your friends, not the comfort of your daily life, not the stupid stresses of your job, nothing. Then to want live ahead is not something that comes naturally to everyone. That's where the strength kicks in. The hope that maybe you'll be fine, maybe you'll find what you had again, maybe he or she will come back?
And so then you decide to pick up the pieces. When you're picking them up, you recognize some as your own feelings and thoughts and memories and then there'll be some you never knew were a part of you. But they are. Someone said to me very recently, "you are at the end of it human, you can make mistakes, what matters is what you do after that". And I responded saying " I don't want to be human, I want to be God" Haha. Yes, that's what I said, through my tears, I kept repeating "I want to be God" So these pieces that you can't recognize are the human facets of you. Your needs, your wants, your selfishness, your desires, your dreams, they are all yours. You pick them up anyway, for how can you be your whole self, without adding those pieces to the puzzle, that is you.
And then is when the help and advise of your friends and people who love you kicks in, when you are putting those pieces back. Then is when you are somewhat getting back to normal and life is maybe worth living again. But it's never the same. You've lost what you once valued, or maybe didn't value. It will break you, but it will teach you. And so you go on, trying to be God again, until the next time you are human. See, that's the thing about pain, you have to feel it, you can not run away from it. It demands to be felt. Feel it, welcome it, take it in, let it break you, and then you'll emerge, hopefully stronger.
I don't know which phase I am in right now. Whatever it is, I know sometimes, when I'm sane and clam, that it will all be OK, life will move on. He will, I will. I am not looking for closure. I don't believe in closure as a concept. Whatever I had and eventually lost was not something I want closure from. More understanding for why i did what I did, yes. But never closure. Why would I want to run away from things that made me happy?
Sometimes, I wonder if I took the right decision. But whatever it is, it is now done. And it is mine. I will have to either thank myself for it later or blame myself for what I let go. But it is mine, not anyone else's. But sometimes, there is this tiny doubt, if it was really truly my decision? It is that doubt that scares me the most in the middle of the night, it is that doubt that keeps me up. My need for people to accept me, love me, like me. Maybe sometimes, overrules what I truly want. That is the closure i need, the closure from this doubt. Not from you. Not from us or our memories. Not from you, us and our music. Those will stay with me forever. and always.
Sometimes I wonder if "closure" as a concept exists. Or is it something we've created to make ourselves feel better? What is closure? What if you never want closure from something. What if you want to keep the good and happy memories from an experience or a relationship or a situation and never let go? And after all, the things you go through in life are really the events that shape you and your thoughts and are a major part of what your future choices and actions will be. So why would you want closure from something like that? And then what is the guarantee that after you've attained this state of "closure" you'll feel better? What if a fragrance, or a tune, or a voice takes you back all those years and open the gates to what is hidden in this big box labelled closure in the deep recesses of your mind and heart? What do you do then? What happened to the closure you so successfully managed to achieve?
A million people will try to read you in a million ways. But who knows you best? You yourself? Your best friend? Your parents? I've come to realize, no one. I don't know myself today. I don't know what I want. Most folks walk up to me and ask me to introspect and discover myself and what I want from life. Sometimes, when I'm in the mood, I put it down on paper or in an email addressed to myself. But most times, when I am sitting down on my couch with my chai in my hands and doing nothing, absolutely nothing, then my mind takes me to thoughts that I didn't know existed inside of me. But that's the problem with thoughts, they hint at what you might want, but they don't point you to the path you should take. To infer that from the hints, is still your job.
I've heard people speak about heartbreak and read it in books. Everyone has their own take. Some say, it shatters the core of your being. Any kind of heartbreak, not only romantic. In my world, there was room for only Black and White, Grey as a concept didn't exist, and whenever it tried to peep in and show it's face, I would shoo it away, so confident and secure in my life, so sure that I would never find the need for any shade of grey. There are a couple of posts on this blog, about black and white and grey. When i read them now, I don't think that I was naive, I felt that at that moment in my life, so no regrets. I've grown as a person and as a woman since then, and unfortunately discovered grey exists and in many many varied shades.
Anyway, coming back to heartbreak. It shatters you. When someone you've grown up with, someone who loves you to the ends of this earth and beyond, is no more in your life, you feel an immense emptiness and loneliness that nothing and no one can fill. Especially tough is to come to terms with the fact that this distance and this separation is your doing. You no longer are your own person. Someone else and something else has taken over you. For how long, you don't know. Maybe for as long as it takes for you to live with that void in your life and that hollow in your life. You try to escape it, you look forward to an upcoming trip, you visit your parents, but you eventually have to come back to your daily life. Your lonely daily life.
People say right, that when you shatter, you break into pieces and then you learn to pick up those pieces and join them back to live a whole life again. A simple three step process : you break- pick up the pieces - live life again. Oh, I wish it were that simple. To realize that you are broken, takes you so much time. For the realization to hit your core and for you to soak in the knowledge of what you just gave up and what you have to live with now and what you'll never find again, oh Jesus, for that realization to hit you takes ages. Ages.
And when it does, you crumble, that's when you crumble. Nothing helps. Not your music, not your parents, not your friends, not the comfort of your daily life, not the stupid stresses of your job, nothing. Then to want live ahead is not something that comes naturally to everyone. That's where the strength kicks in. The hope that maybe you'll be fine, maybe you'll find what you had again, maybe he or she will come back?
And so then you decide to pick up the pieces. When you're picking them up, you recognize some as your own feelings and thoughts and memories and then there'll be some you never knew were a part of you. But they are. Someone said to me very recently, "you are at the end of it human, you can make mistakes, what matters is what you do after that". And I responded saying " I don't want to be human, I want to be God" Haha. Yes, that's what I said, through my tears, I kept repeating "I want to be God" So these pieces that you can't recognize are the human facets of you. Your needs, your wants, your selfishness, your desires, your dreams, they are all yours. You pick them up anyway, for how can you be your whole self, without adding those pieces to the puzzle, that is you.
And then is when the help and advise of your friends and people who love you kicks in, when you are putting those pieces back. Then is when you are somewhat getting back to normal and life is maybe worth living again. But it's never the same. You've lost what you once valued, or maybe didn't value. It will break you, but it will teach you. And so you go on, trying to be God again, until the next time you are human. See, that's the thing about pain, you have to feel it, you can not run away from it. It demands to be felt. Feel it, welcome it, take it in, let it break you, and then you'll emerge, hopefully stronger.
I don't know which phase I am in right now. Whatever it is, I know sometimes, when I'm sane and clam, that it will all be OK, life will move on. He will, I will. I am not looking for closure. I don't believe in closure as a concept. Whatever I had and eventually lost was not something I want closure from. More understanding for why i did what I did, yes. But never closure. Why would I want to run away from things that made me happy?
Sometimes, I wonder if I took the right decision. But whatever it is, it is now done. And it is mine. I will have to either thank myself for it later or blame myself for what I let go. But it is mine, not anyone else's. But sometimes, there is this tiny doubt, if it was really truly my decision? It is that doubt that scares me the most in the middle of the night, it is that doubt that keeps me up. My need for people to accept me, love me, like me. Maybe sometimes, overrules what I truly want. That is the closure i need, the closure from this doubt. Not from you. Not from us or our memories. Not from you, us and our music. Those will stay with me forever. and always.
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