किसी को मुक्कमल जहां नहीं मिलता
कहीं ज़मीन तोह कहीं आसमान नहीं मिलता
जिससे भी देखिये वोह अपने आप में घूम हैं
जुबां मिल्ली हैं मगर हमज़ुबाँ नहीं मिलता
भुजा सका हैं कौन वक़्त के शोले
यह ऐसी आग हैं जिसमे धुआ नहीं मिलता
तेरे जहां में ऐसा नहीं कि प्यार ना हो
जहां उम्मीद हो इसकी , वहाँ नहीं मिलता
Nida Fazli
You know sometimes when you want to talk, and then be silent, at the same time. When you want people to talk and when you want them to be silent, at the same time. Sometimes you want to hear yourself think and at other times you want to fill your head with music, which are mere sounds to drown the other voices in your head.
I have people talking to me about what I should be doing, what I should be thinking, what i should be eating. And I am grateful to them for that. Sometimes you wonder where you would be without the people you love. Find your core, they say, when you are down and upset, they say. I have found immense strength whenever I have reached out to a few people in my life. I can trust them to tell me where I am wrong, tell me where I am right. Shout at me, cry with me. Make a joke, laugh it off, tell me to get a life and get over it. But what if sometimes, nothing anyone says helps you?
What do you do when the idea of you as person, in your own head, suddenly is in complete contrast to what you've done with yourself and your life? You try and merge the two and look for reasons and possible explanations for the behavior. And then you settle with some version of the truth. That comforts you to an extent but also plants a seed of doubt. What if you don't know yourself! They say, it's when you are truly alone, or when you have experienced great heartbreak or failure in life : in whatever aspect - career, health, family, friendship, love, it is only then do you genuinely introspect and go on a path of self discovery. I think I should do that now.
But on this path that I intent to tread on, whose voices do i listen to? My own? Or those of others? I feel the need and want for both of these at different points. I am very gullible. Very very gullible. And I know that. So sometimes it scares me to ask my friends and people for their opinions on my situations in life and their advice. Because unconsciously I might find myself acting out their suggestions. It is so important to know what you really truly want . There was this dialogue in Jab We Met, where Kareena Kapoor tells Shahid, that at the end of the day, we get what we really truly deeply want in life. "Jo kuch bhi insaan real mein chahta hain, actual mein, usko life mein wahi milta hain". But how many of us know what we really want? I don't. I thought I did.
I've been meaning to write a "What do i want in life" post to myself and email it. Something I can pull up in life at times when I am doing this kind of soul searching and to read and to know and to judge if what I'am doing or who I am with , is what I truly want. I finally did that today. Nothing extraordinary or shocking came out. But it is nice to know and have it written somewhere. When your mind is in turmoil, it thinks so many thoughts, and you want to keep some of those thoughts, but they eventually get lost. So I wanted to write this list down. And save it for myself.
From the looks of it, i am what I think I am. And I identify with this person. But something someone told me today, struck me so hard, that it came very close to snapping the delicate silver threads that my dreams hang from. I am trying very hard not to be influenced or depressed or perturbed or think too much into what he said. I also believe that what you think, is what you'll end up doing. If you think you're going screw up your life, chances are, you will. I believe i am going to have a beautiful and happy life with lovely relationships all around me. And thankfully, that belief or that "facade" is SO strong that nothing can shake it. Hopefully.
So today, when i feel this weird pain and void, i need to believe that it will be alright. That life goes on, you will find new people, you will make new friends, you will love again. There are times though, when reality stares at me as soon as I shut the main door behind me after coming back home. That is the first time in the day when I am alone. All alone. I am not running anywhere, I am not expecting anyone, I don't have a task at hand. There is no sense of hunger or pain or hurt. It is just this feeling of a deep void inside you.. So I take a deep breath and switch on all the lights in the house and put the TV on loud. And go about doing my thing. Which reminds me I am out of coffee. Damn.
There are temporary roadblocks, and upsets, but who doesn't have them in life right? You will fight for something you want, and if you don't fight for it, chances are you don't want it that badly in the first place. Life is too short to go after something halfheartedly or do something you don't believe in. It's just that most of us, me included, lose sight of that "everything will be ok" philosophy. My father has a strong sense of "life will work itself out". I need to learn that unshakable courage and patience and strength from him. Because you need so much courage to pursue your happiness in life. So much courage. Life is that, it is actually that you know. It's a Pursuit of Happiness. And in your own personal pursuit, you face many many challenges. People try to stop you, make you unhappy, but you need to know what you want . Because unless you do, nothing or no one can help you. These following dialogues between Will Smith and his son from the movie come to my mind:
Will Smith : Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you....you can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Will Smith: You got a dream...you gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.
There is a ShahRukh dialogue from Om Shanti Om where he says, "humare filmon ki tarah, humari zindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuch theek hi ho jata hain". Oh that man, has something for every time in my life. So you just need to be patient. Our lives unlike our movies are longer than 3 hours. So sometimes it take 3 hours/3 days or maybe 3 years, and we just have to be patient. I suck at being patient, that needs to change.
But does my romantic notion about love, life, men, dreams, movies need to change? No. That is not going to change. It might cause me more hurt, it might mean more sleepless nights filled with agony and despair and pure hopelessness. But there is no way, I am going to let go of my dreams. For what are we without them? So you can accuse me of living in a movie in my head, and call me unrealistic and try and try and try your very best to wake me from my "deep slumber", but I can't get rid of what is such an integral part of me. I'll lose what I am. I really will.
And those who truly know me, will never ask me to forsake it in the first place.
कहीं ज़मीन तोह कहीं आसमान नहीं मिलता
जिससे भी देखिये वोह अपने आप में घूम हैं
जुबां मिल्ली हैं मगर हमज़ुबाँ नहीं मिलता
भुजा सका हैं कौन वक़्त के शोले
यह ऐसी आग हैं जिसमे धुआ नहीं मिलता
तेरे जहां में ऐसा नहीं कि प्यार ना हो
जहां उम्मीद हो इसकी , वहाँ नहीं मिलता
Nida Fazli
You know sometimes when you want to talk, and then be silent, at the same time. When you want people to talk and when you want them to be silent, at the same time. Sometimes you want to hear yourself think and at other times you want to fill your head with music, which are mere sounds to drown the other voices in your head.
I have people talking to me about what I should be doing, what I should be thinking, what i should be eating. And I am grateful to them for that. Sometimes you wonder where you would be without the people you love. Find your core, they say, when you are down and upset, they say. I have found immense strength whenever I have reached out to a few people in my life. I can trust them to tell me where I am wrong, tell me where I am right. Shout at me, cry with me. Make a joke, laugh it off, tell me to get a life and get over it. But what if sometimes, nothing anyone says helps you?
What do you do when the idea of you as person, in your own head, suddenly is in complete contrast to what you've done with yourself and your life? You try and merge the two and look for reasons and possible explanations for the behavior. And then you settle with some version of the truth. That comforts you to an extent but also plants a seed of doubt. What if you don't know yourself! They say, it's when you are truly alone, or when you have experienced great heartbreak or failure in life : in whatever aspect - career, health, family, friendship, love, it is only then do you genuinely introspect and go on a path of self discovery. I think I should do that now.
But on this path that I intent to tread on, whose voices do i listen to? My own? Or those of others? I feel the need and want for both of these at different points. I am very gullible. Very very gullible. And I know that. So sometimes it scares me to ask my friends and people for their opinions on my situations in life and their advice. Because unconsciously I might find myself acting out their suggestions. It is so important to know what you really truly want . There was this dialogue in Jab We Met, where Kareena Kapoor tells Shahid, that at the end of the day, we get what we really truly deeply want in life. "Jo kuch bhi insaan real mein chahta hain, actual mein, usko life mein wahi milta hain". But how many of us know what we really want? I don't. I thought I did.
I've been meaning to write a "What do i want in life" post to myself and email it. Something I can pull up in life at times when I am doing this kind of soul searching and to read and to know and to judge if what I'am doing or who I am with , is what I truly want. I finally did that today. Nothing extraordinary or shocking came out. But it is nice to know and have it written somewhere. When your mind is in turmoil, it thinks so many thoughts, and you want to keep some of those thoughts, but they eventually get lost. So I wanted to write this list down. And save it for myself.
From the looks of it, i am what I think I am. And I identify with this person. But something someone told me today, struck me so hard, that it came very close to snapping the delicate silver threads that my dreams hang from. I am trying very hard not to be influenced or depressed or perturbed or think too much into what he said. I also believe that what you think, is what you'll end up doing. If you think you're going screw up your life, chances are, you will. I believe i am going to have a beautiful and happy life with lovely relationships all around me. And thankfully, that belief or that "facade" is SO strong that nothing can shake it. Hopefully.
So today, when i feel this weird pain and void, i need to believe that it will be alright. That life goes on, you will find new people, you will make new friends, you will love again. There are times though, when reality stares at me as soon as I shut the main door behind me after coming back home. That is the first time in the day when I am alone. All alone. I am not running anywhere, I am not expecting anyone, I don't have a task at hand. There is no sense of hunger or pain or hurt. It is just this feeling of a deep void inside you.. So I take a deep breath and switch on all the lights in the house and put the TV on loud. And go about doing my thing. Which reminds me I am out of coffee. Damn.
There are temporary roadblocks, and upsets, but who doesn't have them in life right? You will fight for something you want, and if you don't fight for it, chances are you don't want it that badly in the first place. Life is too short to go after something halfheartedly or do something you don't believe in. It's just that most of us, me included, lose sight of that "everything will be ok" philosophy. My father has a strong sense of "life will work itself out". I need to learn that unshakable courage and patience and strength from him. Because you need so much courage to pursue your happiness in life. So much courage. Life is that, it is actually that you know. It's a Pursuit of Happiness. And in your own personal pursuit, you face many many challenges. People try to stop you, make you unhappy, but you need to know what you want . Because unless you do, nothing or no one can help you. These following dialogues between Will Smith and his son from the movie come to my mind:
Will Smith : Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you....you can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Will Smith: You got a dream...you gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they want to tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.
There is a ShahRukh dialogue from Om Shanti Om where he says, "humare filmon ki tarah, humari zindagi mein bhi end tak sab kuch theek hi ho jata hain". Oh that man, has something for every time in my life. So you just need to be patient. Our lives unlike our movies are longer than 3 hours. So sometimes it take 3 hours/3 days or maybe 3 years, and we just have to be patient. I suck at being patient, that needs to change.
But does my romantic notion about love, life, men, dreams, movies need to change? No. That is not going to change. It might cause me more hurt, it might mean more sleepless nights filled with agony and despair and pure hopelessness. But there is no way, I am going to let go of my dreams. For what are we without them? So you can accuse me of living in a movie in my head, and call me unrealistic and try and try and try your very best to wake me from my "deep slumber", but I can't get rid of what is such an integral part of me. I'll lose what I am. I really will.
And those who truly know me, will never ask me to forsake it in the first place.
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