When it's cold and raining,
You are more beautiful.
And the snow brings me
Even closer to your lips.
The inner secret, that which was never born
You are that freshness, and I am with you now,
I can't explain the goings
Or the comings, you enter suddenly,
And I am nowhere again.
Inside the majesty.
~ The Freshness
~~ Rumi
It's Saturday morning. I've been looking forward to the weekend. A lot. But only so I could be alone. Although, being at work and having something to do, brings more peace to me, than being alone in this house. Someone at work asked me very recently, if someone challenged you to 3-weeks of not speaking. Would you take it up and would you be able to complete it? I looked at them and said "no way! I would go mad" Ironically, I've been silent and not speaking for long stretches of time these last couple of weeks. Even when I do talk, it's not me who is speaking. You need to credit the human mind for it's sheer strength to keep your life going when you've been struck by what seems to be the biggest shock, heartbreak and calamity of your life. It propels you to wake up, sleep, eat, smile when smiled at, speak when spoken to. Carry on with your work, perfectly efficiently, as though nothing is amiss. And nothing will seem broken from the outside, to everyone looking at you, you are the same chirpy, always smiling ready to help person. But you know what you're feeling inside, or maybe not feeling. People say, in tough times, it takes immense strength to be your normal self and go on with life. I say, it's not tough at all. I don't see myself exerting any kind of pressure on my mind or body to keep going. It's just doing what it has to do on it's own without my interference. Yes, my heart is not into it, but that's about it.
Every Saturday morning I would wake up wanting to spend the rest of the day talking to you, sharing my week, cribbing about random unimportant things in life. I love to sleep a little bit more on weekends, you knew that. So you would leave a message as soon as you woke up. And if I took more time than usual to reply, you would leave me another one, asking me, if I was still sleeping. I would wake up and look at those messages and call you, still half in my sleep, but wanting to start my day with your voice. Just the total confidence that you would pick up my call when you saw your phone ring, was enough for me to know that I'll be fine as long as you were with me. I would still be groggy and say some incomprehensible things and tell you that I am going to sleep for 5 mins more and then wake up and get my chai and then call you back. My day has to start with my chai. You struggled with it initially remember ? I hated the first cup you made, and i made no qualms about telling you so also. But you got better at it and I've often asked you to make me a cup in the mornings when we were together sometimes.
After brushing my teeth and making my chai, I would dial in and see your face and wish you a good morning and screech that it was finally the weekend. We would sometimes talk, at most times, just be with each other on the Hangout and do our own things. For the life of me, when I look back, I can't remember what we spoke about! But I'm guessing it was most of the time me telling you some stupid story or the other. And of course when we were doing nothing, we were planning our next vacation! Haha. Remember our vacations? Aah sigh, from the crazy planning to the impulsive bookings to the utter disbelief that we just spent so much money on something and then the wait to finally get on that plane and arrive at our destination. I'll always remember those times. Some of the best times of my life.
You asked me, "Have you realised you've lost me ?" And I didn't know what to say. I hadn't realised, frankly, I hadn't. In my head, and heart, it felt like you will always be there. Listening, understanding, comforting, forgiving. So it hadn't hit me. Except one time that last week, when I heard the words that I never thought I would and I wanted to call somebody and talk to somebody and i wanted that somebody to be you. I just wanted to call you and say "you know this is what she said to me, and this is how i felt". I still remember that night, I was shivering with fear and pain and shock. But most of all with loneliness. Thankfully, I've always had people whom I could share my deepest darkest secrets with, they've always been there when I've reached out to them. But that night, I picked up my phone and felt like calling and talking to someone and no one came to my mind. Except you. I just wanted to call you to hear your voice. I wanted the assurance that no matter what went wrong in life, I'll always have you to come back home to. But I couldn't. And that was when it hit me first that I had lost you. I was so scared, that the tears inside me were frozen somewhere and in spite of me trying to cry so hard, my eyes remained dry. I screamed to fill the silence of the night, and to try, wishing that maybe the helplessness, the hopelessness and the desperation would bring out the tears I so wanted that night. But I didn't succeed. It has to be one of the most painful nights of my life. Tears being you some kind of solace, without them, your pain has nowhere to go, but stay etched in your heart and soul. Yes, that has to be the first time I realised that I had lost you.
Days and nights after that have been like a trance. Somehow, at different points in time, i would suddenly feel like it's all a dream and nothing has changed. I am still who I was and I still have you. No matter what I have you. Until something breaks and i snap back into reality. Today when I woke up, i checked my phone. It lay as silent as ever. I lay on my bed for the longest time, trying to go back to my sleep. But in vain. I finally woke up. And had the whole day staring at me. Asking me "So, what's the plan". I made my chai and sat and sipped on it. My mind in it's usual blank state, and now I've finally begun to understand what losing you actually means. I try to think, of various things, reasons, possibilities, different paths our lives could have taken. I think about life, what I want from it. I think of love and what it means. i think of friendship and what I've lost. i didn't realise i was on the couch for 3 hours, just staring out of the window, watching the rain wash Singapore, just thinking, thinking, thinking. It has rained in Singapore everyday for the last 2 weeks. It's almost like the city is reaching out to me, asking me to cry with it. Sometimes I cry with it. But sometimes, some painful times, I stare at the rain, thinking about what I've lost. Forever.
You are more beautiful.
And the snow brings me
Even closer to your lips.
The inner secret, that which was never born
You are that freshness, and I am with you now,
I can't explain the goings
Or the comings, you enter suddenly,
And I am nowhere again.
Inside the majesty.
~ The Freshness
~~ Rumi
It's Saturday morning. I've been looking forward to the weekend. A lot. But only so I could be alone. Although, being at work and having something to do, brings more peace to me, than being alone in this house. Someone at work asked me very recently, if someone challenged you to 3-weeks of not speaking. Would you take it up and would you be able to complete it? I looked at them and said "no way! I would go mad" Ironically, I've been silent and not speaking for long stretches of time these last couple of weeks. Even when I do talk, it's not me who is speaking. You need to credit the human mind for it's sheer strength to keep your life going when you've been struck by what seems to be the biggest shock, heartbreak and calamity of your life. It propels you to wake up, sleep, eat, smile when smiled at, speak when spoken to. Carry on with your work, perfectly efficiently, as though nothing is amiss. And nothing will seem broken from the outside, to everyone looking at you, you are the same chirpy, always smiling ready to help person. But you know what you're feeling inside, or maybe not feeling. People say, in tough times, it takes immense strength to be your normal self and go on with life. I say, it's not tough at all. I don't see myself exerting any kind of pressure on my mind or body to keep going. It's just doing what it has to do on it's own without my interference. Yes, my heart is not into it, but that's about it.
Every Saturday morning I would wake up wanting to spend the rest of the day talking to you, sharing my week, cribbing about random unimportant things in life. I love to sleep a little bit more on weekends, you knew that. So you would leave a message as soon as you woke up. And if I took more time than usual to reply, you would leave me another one, asking me, if I was still sleeping. I would wake up and look at those messages and call you, still half in my sleep, but wanting to start my day with your voice. Just the total confidence that you would pick up my call when you saw your phone ring, was enough for me to know that I'll be fine as long as you were with me. I would still be groggy and say some incomprehensible things and tell you that I am going to sleep for 5 mins more and then wake up and get my chai and then call you back. My day has to start with my chai. You struggled with it initially remember ? I hated the first cup you made, and i made no qualms about telling you so also. But you got better at it and I've often asked you to make me a cup in the mornings when we were together sometimes.
After brushing my teeth and making my chai, I would dial in and see your face and wish you a good morning and screech that it was finally the weekend. We would sometimes talk, at most times, just be with each other on the Hangout and do our own things. For the life of me, when I look back, I can't remember what we spoke about! But I'm guessing it was most of the time me telling you some stupid story or the other. And of course when we were doing nothing, we were planning our next vacation! Haha. Remember our vacations? Aah sigh, from the crazy planning to the impulsive bookings to the utter disbelief that we just spent so much money on something and then the wait to finally get on that plane and arrive at our destination. I'll always remember those times. Some of the best times of my life.
You asked me, "Have you realised you've lost me ?" And I didn't know what to say. I hadn't realised, frankly, I hadn't. In my head, and heart, it felt like you will always be there. Listening, understanding, comforting, forgiving. So it hadn't hit me. Except one time that last week, when I heard the words that I never thought I would and I wanted to call somebody and talk to somebody and i wanted that somebody to be you. I just wanted to call you and say "you know this is what she said to me, and this is how i felt". I still remember that night, I was shivering with fear and pain and shock. But most of all with loneliness. Thankfully, I've always had people whom I could share my deepest darkest secrets with, they've always been there when I've reached out to them. But that night, I picked up my phone and felt like calling and talking to someone and no one came to my mind. Except you. I just wanted to call you to hear your voice. I wanted the assurance that no matter what went wrong in life, I'll always have you to come back home to. But I couldn't. And that was when it hit me first that I had lost you. I was so scared, that the tears inside me were frozen somewhere and in spite of me trying to cry so hard, my eyes remained dry. I screamed to fill the silence of the night, and to try, wishing that maybe the helplessness, the hopelessness and the desperation would bring out the tears I so wanted that night. But I didn't succeed. It has to be one of the most painful nights of my life. Tears being you some kind of solace, without them, your pain has nowhere to go, but stay etched in your heart and soul. Yes, that has to be the first time I realised that I had lost you.
Days and nights after that have been like a trance. Somehow, at different points in time, i would suddenly feel like it's all a dream and nothing has changed. I am still who I was and I still have you. No matter what I have you. Until something breaks and i snap back into reality. Today when I woke up, i checked my phone. It lay as silent as ever. I lay on my bed for the longest time, trying to go back to my sleep. But in vain. I finally woke up. And had the whole day staring at me. Asking me "So, what's the plan". I made my chai and sat and sipped on it. My mind in it's usual blank state, and now I've finally begun to understand what losing you actually means. I try to think, of various things, reasons, possibilities, different paths our lives could have taken. I think about life, what I want from it. I think of love and what it means. i think of friendship and what I've lost. i didn't realise i was on the couch for 3 hours, just staring out of the window, watching the rain wash Singapore, just thinking, thinking, thinking. It has rained in Singapore everyday for the last 2 weeks. It's almost like the city is reaching out to me, asking me to cry with it. Sometimes I cry with it. But sometimes, some painful times, I stare at the rain, thinking about what I've lost. Forever.
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