रूह का बंजारा रे परिंदा
छड्ड गया दिल का रे घरोंदा
छड्ड गया दिल का रे घरोंदा , तोड़के
रे घरोंदा तोड़के, गया छोड़के
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
तड़पाये रे, क्यूँ सुनाये गीत मल्हार दे
बे-मलंग तेरा इकतारा
~Javed Akhar Saab
~~ Wake Up Sid.
There is a weird solace in loneliness. No? Like when you are lonely and upset, you want to continue being sad and upset and you listen to shitty music to make sure you remain in your bed curled up and cozy. When you're mind is not thinking anything. It takes you to happy scenarios of what your life could have been if you hadn't decided to mess with it. I am usually sad when I am sad, it doesn't translate to any other emotion. But today my sadness makes me angry. It makes me very angry. I am angry because I am going back home. And none of my friends seem to have the time to sit and talk to me over dinner or lunch. How can all my friends, be busy on all the dates that I am visiting? I am angry because I find the need to reach out to them. Why can't I just be alone. I should just learn to do things alone. Maybe I should travel alone? Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled that vacation in December after all. Maybe I should go watch the movie I really want to watch in India alone, what's the need to look for company. It's OK for someone not to hold your hand when you're watching a movie. No? It'll be the first time i stick a single ticket in my diary. Maybe I should go shop alone, what's the need to model everything in front of someone to help you decide? Maybe I should go and eat out alone, what's the need for another person to be sitting across the table looking into your eyes or holding your hand?
Maybe I should book a bus ride to some place alone. I've always liked to sit in a bus and stare out of the window at night. You can see nothing. But in that nothingness, you find such peace. It's my favorite thing to do. To stare out of a large glass window of a bus at night. Look at the fields go by, see a bulb hanging from a hut here and there. See a group of villagers bent over a small fire to keep themselves warm in that cold winter night. Yes, I think I should book myself a bus ride to someplace. There is this AR Rahman song, with lyrics "Nila kaigirathu....neerem theigirathu" which roughly translated means : the moon is shining, the time is passing. That's how I feel when I stare out of a bus window into the darkness and beyond. Maybe, I should go to a bar and drink alone. I've always wondered how people drink alone. Maybe I should take a book on one of these days, when it's raining, I should take my umbrella, my wallet and my book and go buy myself a drink.
I can't find my flat silver payal, I removed it last week because it reminded me of someone and I can't find it ever since. It's my favorite, I can't seem to find it. I wanted to wear it today. But I can't find it. That is making me angry too. I need to find it. I am angry at my foolishness. I am so angry, I even burnt my cake today. I am angry because i so want to reach out, but have to hold myself back at the thought of hurting you. I am angry because I have a picture in my room that I can't seem to put away. I want it there. I just want it there. I am angry at my stupid yellow phone cover. So angry, I wanted to throw the phone away, but removed and threw the cover instead. Now I can't seem to find even that. I wonder where it fell. I am angry because while packing, I found your things, and they still smell of you. I am angry because today is Thursday. I am just angry. With no one free to meet me, I could have come back a day earlier to Singapore. A day earlier, would have made a difference? Yes. It would have. That thought makes me angry. What difference does it make to anyone. Now, I am angry at my expectations. And I am angry at my broken promises. And I am angry for your unfulfilled ones. You really are truly alone. Alone. Who can you take into your dreams with you when you drift away into that dark? No one. the word drift reminds me of gravity, that makes me angry too.
Maybe I'll wear that necklace while travelling tomorrow. After all. I never travel without it. I hope there are no children on the flight, i might just slap them.
I think I just needed to write. Yes, that's it. I feel better now.
Finally, I am going home, I don't even want to think of the time, when I'll come back to this life.
बीती रात बासी बासी
पढ़ी हैं सिराने
बंद दरवाजा देखे
लौटी हैं सुबह
ठंडी हैं अंगीठी सीली
सीली हैं दीवारे
गूंजे टकराके इनमे
दिल की सदा
गूंजे हाय रे
गूंजे हाय रे .....
दिल की सदा
दिल की सदा।..…
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
तड़पाये रे, क्यूँ सुनाये गीत मल्हार दे
बे-मलंग तेरा इकतारा
छड्ड गया दिल का रे घरोंदा
छड्ड गया दिल का रे घरोंदा , तोड़के
रे घरोंदा तोड़के, गया छोड़के
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
तड़पाये रे, क्यूँ सुनाये गीत मल्हार दे
बे-मलंग तेरा इकतारा
~Javed Akhar Saab
~~ Wake Up Sid.
There is a weird solace in loneliness. No? Like when you are lonely and upset, you want to continue being sad and upset and you listen to shitty music to make sure you remain in your bed curled up and cozy. When you're mind is not thinking anything. It takes you to happy scenarios of what your life could have been if you hadn't decided to mess with it. I am usually sad when I am sad, it doesn't translate to any other emotion. But today my sadness makes me angry. It makes me very angry. I am angry because I am going back home. And none of my friends seem to have the time to sit and talk to me over dinner or lunch. How can all my friends, be busy on all the dates that I am visiting? I am angry because I find the need to reach out to them. Why can't I just be alone. I should just learn to do things alone. Maybe I should travel alone? Maybe I shouldn't have cancelled that vacation in December after all. Maybe I should go watch the movie I really want to watch in India alone, what's the need to look for company. It's OK for someone not to hold your hand when you're watching a movie. No? It'll be the first time i stick a single ticket in my diary. Maybe I should go shop alone, what's the need to model everything in front of someone to help you decide? Maybe I should go and eat out alone, what's the need for another person to be sitting across the table looking into your eyes or holding your hand?
Maybe I should book a bus ride to some place alone. I've always liked to sit in a bus and stare out of the window at night. You can see nothing. But in that nothingness, you find such peace. It's my favorite thing to do. To stare out of a large glass window of a bus at night. Look at the fields go by, see a bulb hanging from a hut here and there. See a group of villagers bent over a small fire to keep themselves warm in that cold winter night. Yes, I think I should book myself a bus ride to someplace. There is this AR Rahman song, with lyrics "Nila kaigirathu....neerem theigirathu" which roughly translated means : the moon is shining, the time is passing. That's how I feel when I stare out of a bus window into the darkness and beyond. Maybe, I should go to a bar and drink alone. I've always wondered how people drink alone. Maybe I should take a book on one of these days, when it's raining, I should take my umbrella, my wallet and my book and go buy myself a drink.
I can't find my flat silver payal, I removed it last week because it reminded me of someone and I can't find it ever since. It's my favorite, I can't seem to find it. I wanted to wear it today. But I can't find it. That is making me angry too. I need to find it. I am angry at my foolishness. I am so angry, I even burnt my cake today. I am angry because i so want to reach out, but have to hold myself back at the thought of hurting you. I am angry because I have a picture in my room that I can't seem to put away. I want it there. I just want it there. I am angry at my stupid yellow phone cover. So angry, I wanted to throw the phone away, but removed and threw the cover instead. Now I can't seem to find even that. I wonder where it fell. I am angry because while packing, I found your things, and they still smell of you. I am angry because today is Thursday. I am just angry. With no one free to meet me, I could have come back a day earlier to Singapore. A day earlier, would have made a difference? Yes. It would have. That thought makes me angry. What difference does it make to anyone. Now, I am angry at my expectations. And I am angry at my broken promises. And I am angry for your unfulfilled ones. You really are truly alone. Alone. Who can you take into your dreams with you when you drift away into that dark? No one. the word drift reminds me of gravity, that makes me angry too.
Maybe I'll wear that necklace while travelling tomorrow. After all. I never travel without it. I hope there are no children on the flight, i might just slap them.
I think I just needed to write. Yes, that's it. I feel better now.
Finally, I am going home, I don't even want to think of the time, when I'll come back to this life.
बीती रात बासी बासी
पढ़ी हैं सिराने
बंद दरवाजा देखे
लौटी हैं सुबह
ठंडी हैं अंगीठी सीली
सीली हैं दीवारे
गूंजे टकराके इनमे
दिल की सदा
गूंजे हाय रे
गूंजे हाय रे .....
दिल की सदा
दिल की सदा।..…
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
जे नैना करू बंद बंद
बेह जाए बून्द बून्द
तड़पाये रे, क्यूँ सुनाये गीत मल्हार दे
बे-मलंग तेरा इकतारा
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