Kahe Tum Gokul Jao.

"Subah subah ka khyaal aaj
Wapas gokul chal mathura raaj
Mathura nagarpati kaahe
Tum gokul jaaon
Manohar vesh chhod nand raaj
Sar se utaarke sundar taaj
Raj dand chhod bhumi par vaaj
Phir kaahe baansuri bajaao
Mathura nagarpati kaahe tum gokul jaao"

~Gulzar
Raincoat

People who are close to me know that I am short-tempered, impatient, love being alone with 3-4 people at max than a crowd. People who are close to me also know that in my anger I say and do things I do not mean at all. I regret it as soon as my head cools down and I can think clearly. People who are close to me know that I have strong opinions about thing, places, people. And i stick to my opinions, good or bad, with utmost sincerity. People who are close to me understand all this and smile when I scream at them and cry in frustration. These are people who will be with me irrespective of any situation in my life, people who will never leave me: my parents, my grandparents, my H, a few other people I am going to write about and Dimple. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to say, that when I am unable to do/say any of these, I get frustrated, the frustration turns to anger and the anger is directed at people who will understand and often wrongly so. When you were a kid, your Father would humour your antics and buy you that barbie doll. Your mother would maybe shout a little and tell you to go do your homework, but you will find a chocolate from her in you room the next day. You always got your way (for the right things). When you were wrong, you would eventually understand that you weren't asking for the right thing. In the process you would have sulked, not spoken to your parents. But thats it. You do this because you know your parents will always be there, always. Because they love you. But as you grow up, slowly-slowly, little by little, you realise that you will not in life meet people who will tolerate your tantrums or your frustrations. They have their own issues to deal with and you, are not important. You start realizing that if you throw your weight around, you will not find a chocolate in the room the next day, you will just find your room empty. Stupid things that you used to say or do will today maybe cost you your friends, your relationship. Things that you used to consider as harmless yesterday, are the very things that can change your world today. And you will be left wondering "what's the big deal". And then it will suddenly hit you that the world around you has changed. You are no longer in your own house with your parents right their or your best friend a block away. You better watch your words,or regret your own actions. And as you grow older you keep going far away from people who "will understand" and who will humour you or get you a barbie doll because you cried for one. A friend will find you intolerable to live with, a partner will find you to be cribbing constantly making him and your relationship an unhappy one. I realised this very recently. That not everyone is like my Dad who will hug me when I get hurt or get frustrated or angry or sad. That you have to end up doing all this for yourself. For the hundredth time, in my grown-up life, I wish I was sitting in Dad's lap instead of living thousand miles away from him, trying to 'live my life' But, it's time to now be a big girl.


"Dheere dheere pahunchat
Jamuna ke teer
Sunsaan panghat mridul sameer
Dheere dheere pahunchat
Jamuna ke teer
Khan khan madhav birha madeer
Use kaahe bhool na paao
Mathura nagarpati
kaahe tum gokul jaao
"