Aur Ahista.

Aur Ahista Kijiye Baatein

Dhadkane koi sun raha hoga,

Labj girne na paaye hotoon se

Waqt ke haath unko chun lenge

Kaan rakhte hain yeh darodivar

Raaz ki saari baat sun lenge

Aur ahista kijiye baatein

-"Aur Ahista" , Pankaj Udaas

It's one of those days in life when you sit and consider what you've achieved. Who your friends are, what you love, what you hate, and more importantly who you love and who you hate.

For an army kid, it is in fact quite ironic that I find it tough to let go of people. Having lived in many cities and towns, and not more than 2 years in each, one expects an army kid to adjust quickly, forget what's happened and live in the present and look to the future. I believed I possessed that skill/trait until today. My roommates are moving out, 2 of them. I knew it would happen. But still when the moment arrives, all your preparedness goes waste. I am left wondering, how I will adjust to the new ones coming in, will it still be the same tea sessions, weekend cooking , shopping, movies?! And I know, i will never be the same. And that upsets me. And so I sit down to analyze what it all means to me. My life in Hyderabad actually comes down to a handful of people, 2 , to be precise. And even though I love my life in Hyderabad right now. I miss home terribly sometimes.

I miss having my best friend just a call away. I miss discussing the absolutely mundane events of my day-to-day life. I miss listening to hers. I miss random lunches and dinners with her. I miss those book store sessions. I miss shopping and haggling with the shopkeepers. I miss chai and coffee with her. I miss giggling for the craziest of things. I miss sharing secret jokes which no one understands.

I miss my moms comforting words that everything in life usually turns out ok, and that there is a plan somewhere and whatever happens or doesn't happen is a part of that plan. I tell myself the exact same things in the exact same words in Hyderabad, but somehow it doesn't have the desired effect. I miss her cooking. I miss her making me food when I am studying, taking care of me when i am sick.I miss awesome gossip sessions with her. I miss listening in awe when she narrates some of her experiences. I miss the feeling of "everything will be ok, because i have my parents right here, with me, in the next room." I still remember there was this one time, I was in 2nd year, Economics Hons, JMC, Delhi University. I had absolutely no clue about what I was studying the night before the exam. It was a subject i liked the least taught by a teacher I disliked. I was in tears at 4 am in the morning because I knew I would flunk the paper. I got up from my bed and went and peeped into my parents room. I was all dark, but I saw them and went and sat right next to them on the edge of the bed. Calmed myself down and said "it's just an exam and they won't stop loving me if I flunked." and went and slept. I did flunk that test, fortunately it was an internal paper that accounted for 5 out of 50 points in that subject.

I miss doing that.

I miss seeing people true people around. I see people who would do anything to win an award at work, I see people who will stoop to the lowest lows to get promoted. And yes that makes them lesser of a nice person in my eyes, however narrow that definition might be. I see people who are mean and evil. Very rarely do I see people who mean what they say and are your true friends and will stay with you and support you no matter what.

But it's a real joy when I do meet them. i t just reinforces your belief in a "good" world.

So today, when I stand at a threshold when it comes to work and education, and life in general, I am thankful for the experiences I have, I am a better person with them. But I also sometimes wish I could go back to thinking selflessly and without spite. I wish I could go back to loving more people that hating. I wish I could go back to that bed and sit right next to my parents and feel like no one and nothing in the world can harm me.

It's time for a trip home.