Only Time

"Who can say where the road goes, Where the day flows, only time? And who can say if your love grows, As your heart choose, only time?"
Enya - Only Time

I remember a time when I was in the 7th std, thinking to myself about how awesome life will be if I had no unit tests to prepare for, no projects to submit, didn’t have a debate which i needed to rehearse for, no teachers to face just in case i hadn’t done my homework. Basically how cool it would be if we were all grown up. Now I know, this growing up is just plain overrated. You have Unit tests at every step which have worse-er implications if you fail. You need to have a plan for life and where its going and what you are doing with it and that is your lifetime project. You need to answer people you love, and people you hate and you better have answers ready- that’s your debate. And you will find yourself looking up to that One teacher up there for help, for courage, to thank and to question.
Today, sitting on my grandparents veranda I am looking back at a Nayana dreaming about being all grown up at her study table. I now smile to myself thinking "how naive".
When we were young (I should say young-er) Coorg was a blessing and a pain, both. Two months of summer vacations in Coorg meant visiting relatives and staying at home. It was good in the beginning. It got OK after ten days and it got “when are we going back” after 20. Aiyappa and I used to look forward to go to Bangalore and would try and convince our parents to spend an extra week in Blore instead of Coorg. Today, while i sit here, alone, with a writing pad and a pen in hand, I know I couldn’t have been anywhere else feeling as peaceful as I feel this very second.
It has rained in the morning today. It’s green all around me. For as far as I can see there’s only coffee plants and pepper creepers. I can hear the crickets squeak, i hear crows caw, there are cows mowing in the distance. There’s a huge jackfruit tree in front of me and there are about 15 monkeys( most of them tiny things) jumping around from one branch to the other and they have looks which say "catch me if you can". If you look closely, you’ll see their twinkling eyes and a tiny smile at the corners of their mouths. Strange fascinating creatures these monkeys are. The air is filled with a sweet smell of the blossoming coffee plants – a notch sweeter than the Jasmine flower.
I woke up lazily in the morning and went to the fireplace in the kitchen. My grandmom made me an amazing cup of coffee. The three cats in the house are trailing me asking for bread crumbs.
All this is exactly how it used to be in my childhood. I just appreciate and value the beauty and the silence a lot more now.
After a crazy 6 months with loads happening, i needed this break to ‘catch-up’ with myself. I needed time away from an inbox full of emails. I needed time off from an overflowing To-Do list. I needed time off from having other people question my work. I needed time off from a corporate world where you can be friends one second and enemies the other. And this viewed as being perfectly normal by everyone around me. Well almost. I needed time off from having to pretend that I have my life in control when i was unsure of everything. I needed to start smiling again. I needed to believe in the good in people. I needed to go back to people who love me, unconditionally. I needed to un-learn and re-learn the word ‘love’ with all its new emotions and dimensions. I needed to love again or at least start believing that I would.
I didnt for some time want to think about all the things bothering me. I wanted to accept that these 6 months have changed the person I was. Whether for better or for worse, is a question i dont want to answer. All I know is that I can not go back to being who i was. And my closest friends need to understand this and that I dont need to answer their ‘what went wrong’ questions. My closest friends are supposed to know what went wrong. I regret not having been their in their joys and sorrows for the past six months, but neither was i there for myself.
I need to accept and acknowledge that life has not turned out how i had planned in the 7th std but then those were just dreams. And knowing this, i need to have the courage and belief to still dream, unafraid of anyone or anything.
To not be scared of people and how they might hurt me. To be who i am even though I an surrounded by people who pretend to be something they arent. To be comfortable with the truth that I still love him and always will. To know that I'm in love and always will be. To start being happy when my friends share their happiness with me and not think ‘What If'….'
To finally start accepting that a man is not Rahul from Kuch Kuch Hota hai or a Raj from Dil Waale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge or Aman from Kal Ho Na Ho. That trust and loyalty mean different things to different people. Definitely different things to men. To know that sometimes you can love someone with all you have (literally) and still not be with that one person. And that loving someone doesnt mean marriage. That sometimes how much ever you search for the signs you can not see them. Or you see them and they never in reality are what you so want them to be. That sometimes stars just dont shine, but that doesnt mean you stop staring at the sky.That different things affect different people differently.
To accept that its taking me a lot longer to start smiling again. But that I can give myself that liberty and im answerable to no one. That sometimes you are all you have for yourself . That even though you want something to happen the universe just doesn't conspire to make it happen. That sometimes when you think people will understand. No one does. Except a few who stand by you. Who know what you are feeling each and every second and that this is not one of those things which look big and important today but are trivial tomorrow.
I needed to know and accept all this and so I needed Coorg. Not Bangalore, with too many memories and too much happening around me. Not Delhi, its too busy and it started it all. It had to be Coorg. It had to be a place where i could sit alone with my thoughts, tears, dreams, and be silent and where I wouldn’t be asked why I wasn’t talking and silently staring into space. Where I don’t have to justify anything to anyone.
Where I could just sit with my mind and heart and fill up the hollows and start believing. Again. in life, in love, in trust, in friendship, in marriage, in the vows, in men, in me, in you. All this to let you go and to hold you close, all at once.

"Who can say why your heart sighs, As your love flies, only time? And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies, only time? "