Hold Me Now.

“Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.”

~The More Loving One 
~~  WH Auden

I always knew the end was near. And I always tried to shoo it away. Because I always had a reason. A reason to carry on. A reason to hope. A reason to wait. A reason to reason with myself. And the reason was you. I knew things were not perfect for us. But I always thought that we could work it out in our own way. The gap between us, the years, the levels, could be bridged. Only if you would once tell me. Only if I could tell you. I knew what your fears were. And I certainly knew mine. But I always believed. And I always dreamed. And yet again the fate was the same. I knew you were afraid of us not being close, in distance. I also knew that you were afraid of the connection. I know your fear was the reason you kept asking me when I was leaving . Or were you asking me because you wanted me to stay? I know you do not want to hold me back. You do not want to be the reason I stayed back. You do not want me to stay captive in a cage, just because it has a golden bowl to drink from. You want me to fly. You want me fly far away. But didn’t you know that you could and would never be the reason of my captivity? Didn’t you know that with you I could have only flown higher? Didn’t you know that the years, could but be condensed into nothingness, if we were together. Didn’t you know that I would go in peace if I could know what was in your heart and if I could tell you what’s in mine? Didn’t you know that you hold me captive now? That I am in a cage now? That my heart is?
You knew where I was going, what I was getting at. Why I said what I said. And that’s why you ran far away? You knew that you didn’t want to hear those words. Were you not ready for them? Or did you think I was not. For once I went ahead to get, what I so truly wanted from within my soul and you push me away like that. And without even saying a word, you conveyed what you truly felt. Do you really feel that? Or is it your fears talking? My heart can not lie to me again. Not the second time. Are you telling me that I never really heard those words. That you didn’t really say them or worse, did not mean them? That I kept weaving a cloth out of the golden threads for nothing? Because I weaved a pattern, a pattern that somehow used to make sense to us then, but no longer does to you. They still do to me Bud, they still do to me.
And so I stand here today with those fading patterns. And soon I will not be here and the patterns will be lost. But I am not ready to leave it like this. I am not ready to leave you like this. Without even giving my dream a chance. Without giving ‘us’ a chance. I will never be able to live with not having told you. But you leave me with no option. And so I do this. As I stand at this threshold , I prepare myself for a journey that I will soon undertake, a journey that neither you nor I can avoid. A journey to a place, where I will never know if you’re wearing my colours today, a journey where I will never see you everyday, a journey to a place where your eyes will never hold mine the way they used to, just to tell me that you’re there. I will soon be far far away. I am preparing myself for this. I am stopping myself from searching for those eyes. I will cross your lane and not glance at your house. I will stop myself from wanting to hear your voice. I will not anticipate and wish that every time my phone beeps it’s you. And soon I will be prepared. I will be.
But are you? Are you prepared to let me go? But now, I don’t leave you with an option. You have to. I want you to. And if you can’t or don’t want to, then hold me back now, hold me before it’s too late. Hold me before the hourglass runs out of time. Hold me before I am far away from you and from me. Hold me before our mistakes don’t let us be. We still have one last chance. Hold me now and tell me that you need me to stay. Because I want to hear you say. Hold me before the soft winds blow my dreams away. Hold me before I fade away.