And Then I Grew Up.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet, Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

~William Butler Yeats

I have always believed in the dream world that Bollywood shows us. While a lot of others criticize it for it’s sheer drama and masala and dhinchak music and dance, it’s larger than life portrayal of family, friends, love …life,, I have loved these very aspects of it. I have cried when My Shah cries on screen, I have loved when he loved, I sang along when he sang,and I have danced to each and every song of his. Having said all this I have always known that Bollywood is not life and life is not Bollywood. But there was always a little girl inside me who unconditionally believed in those dreams, those songs, those Shah movies.

And then I grew up. And with me the little girl also grew up.She still goes back to her Shah though. She still seeks in him and his movies the comfort that will re-assure her when she is down. The comfort that she always finds. She is teased for it. But not a lot of people know what Shah means to that little girl. And what he always will.

While the little girl was desperately trying to hold onto her dream world, I was confounded with realisations. I realised that always and forever are just concepts and do not really exist in. I realised that Friends are forever but eventually time, distance, work, life makes it difficult for you to talk everyday, to tell each other every little thing like you used to in school, college and for a short while after that. I realised that we all eventually go through this and we have to learn to accept it, we may not want to, but we aren’t left with an option. I realised that however much you want a certain thing or person or situation in life, it is not always the best for you. I realised that sometimes you just have you for yourself and you have to make do with that much. I realised that you can cry all you want but days and nights gone by will never return. I realised that even though you are always connected, you never really are. Phone calls, messages,emails, chats, all fall short when faced with the realities of life and more pressing demands that we all need to attend to. I realised that some things either never come or come too late in life, and you try to deal with the memories of wanting it so much then and not wanting it at all now. I realised that we are never the same person after this.

I realised that Shah’s movies are only movies, I realised that Shah’s songs are just ‘songs’.

I had my mobile phone lying in front of me one night. It seemed like ages since shared with anyone what I really felt and thought about things at work, happenings in life, about people and places. And yet I couldn’t pick up my cell phone and dial a single number. I couldn’t identify one name. I couldn’t call one person to hear their voice and be assured. I sang a lullaby and hugged myself to sleep that night.

Where’s my Patronus? ~ is the question I ask myself now.

I know this is all temporary and this too shall pass like everything else. I also know that Life is such and such is life. But somewhere deep inside of me I hope that the little girl’s dreams and the promises her Shah made to her hold true and overshadow those that were trampled upon. I want myself to listen to and not just hear the little girl.

And today when she sits in a corner and cries at night, I want to hold her close and take her hand and tell her that there’s no need to cry.