यह काली रात जकड लूं
यह ठंडा चाँद पकड़ लूं
यह काली रात जकड लूं
यह ठंडा चाँद पकड़ लूं
दिन रात के बैरी भेद का
रुख मोड़ के मैं रख दूं
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम तेरा नाम
मेरा नाम इश्क़
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
Siddharth - Garima
Laal Ishq, Goliyon Ki Raasleela, Ram-Leela
Anuradha was just like any regular Indian girl. But, also in many ways not. Everything for her was larger than life. There was nothing in her upbringing to suggest that life was meant to be lived big size. Her father was an IAS officer. And as much as we hear only about the corrupt ones today, there are quite a few honest ones, who do their jobs, serve the country to the best of their ability. Her father was one of those honest kinds and his government income meant that things had to be rationed, from the very beginning. There were specific days when non-veg was made at home : Wednesday and Sundays. They used to eat out only on special occasions. And frankly they weren't fans of eating out as well. Anu's mom was a brilliant cook, and given a choice, they would always prefer their mothers meals to restaurant fare. But then, moms need a break too, once in a while. However much we think of them as superhuman beings, they are at the end of it just human. Anu had a younger brother, Anirudh, they had a sugar and spice relationship. They didn't share their deepest desires with each other. In fact there were times, where if you had given them a weapon, they would have shot each other without a second's hesitation. Younger brothers tend to be irritating creatures. But there times, when they silently loved each other too. And Anirudh would come and sit in her room when she was studying for exams just so he could clear his mind. They would talk sometimes, but most times, they would just be in each others company. Silently going through tough times together. Of course, when we were children, tough times meant exams. They grew up to be quite civil to each other. And now they can talk to each other without breaking things in the house. In fact, Anu still remembers a time when her parents had gone out for dinner and Anirudh and she had fought, and he had slapped her and she was bleeding. When their parents came back home, their usually quiet and patient father dragged Anirudh out and asked him to stand outside the house for 30 mins. Even then, Anu felt a mix of pain and a "the bugger deserves it" feeling. But it was on her insistence that father finally bought him in after 10 minutes.
Even though income was limited, their parents never made them feel like they were inferior to anyone. Anu always understood the situation though and very rarely would she ask for something. She had a fascination for stationary. Stepping into a stationary store, however small and dingy and dimly lit, was like Disneyland for her. In the 90s ink pens were big! They always caught her fancy in these stores and she would ask the store uncle to pull out pens for her and try them out on strips of newspapers that were stapled together for this very purpose. The store uncle knowing her liking, would oblige her by showing all the different kinds, the Japanese one, the Chinese ones etc, while her mom bought the monthly school supplies. But never once did she buy one. Simply because it was too big a luxury to ask for when there were other important things that the 100 Rupee note could be used for. Anirudh was the spoilt child, and her parents indulged him as well. But Anu, never felt any animosity or a lost opportunity whenever he got things. She was too naive, simple and giving for those feelings.
Eventually father got promoted and their income increased, and slowly they could afford some things that were previously way out of reach. She still remembers when father and mother took them to a Nike outlet store far away from Delhi, to get Anirudh and her their first pair of "branded shoes". Until then Bata and local makes were good enough for their games. When she slipped her feet into a pair of pink and silver colored Nike sports shoes, Anu felt like she hadn't worn anything as wonderful as that and when she tried walking in them, she thought she was floating on clouds. They bought her that pair and she wore them from Class X1 to 2nd year of college. Oh those precious things.
So nothing in her childhood spoke about luxury. But then you don't need to wear expensive clothes, travel in expensive cars or eat at expensive restaurants to have dreams that are beyond imagination. And her dreams were not that she would be rich enough one day to be able to afford all of these things. Her dreams were of growing up, wearing the lovely pastel color saris her mother wore, carrying them as gracefully as mother does. Of doing good to her country and to her people. Of waking up and going to a job that made a difference however small, and that made her happy. Of reading everything that everyone had ever written. When her father took her to her first public library, she was in class 5 and she picked up a Nancy Drew novel. It was the first book she had read and she couldn't stop after that, reading was a passion that gave her pleasure that no other thing did. Other than maybe mother's mallu kanni (or pepper water/rasam) when she was down with flu. oh that feeling. ok, I drift from the story.
She wanted to be independent. Her parents had done so much for her. She now wanted to give back to them, not monetarily only, but she just wanted to make them proud. She wanted to start earning early, so that they could focus on Anirudh's education and his college fees. She wanted to study and maybe teach one day, that would make her father so so happy. She wanted to fall in love, the way people fall in love in books and in movies. She wanted this person to make her world go round, to want to wake up with him everyday and for his face to be the last thing she saw before she slept. But no one told her, that the romances she was looking for were found only in "good books and bad movies", as someone had said in some movie. But she had this undying belief and faith in romance and felt that there is someone who would understand the very depth of her being, someone she would eventually meet, someday, somehow, but for sure. That she was convinced of.
Her mother had once told her that God looks down from heaven and sees his children, and hears their prayers, holds their hand in turbulent times in life, gives them the strength to go on and that he wouldn't throw a problem your way, if he knew you couldn't handle it. Anu always believed in that God. And she knew he was inside her. She had a very personal relationship with him. Their mother would make them say their prayers before they closed their eyes to sleep at night. And sometimes Anu would cheat because she was just too tired, so she would close her eyes and say those prayers in her head, and drift off into sleep halfway through. But she knew her love for God and his love for her, didn't depend on whether she completed a particular shloka or not. She always remembered to thank him for everything and to bless her family in the future as well. That was the part she never forgot, the rest was all supplementary in her head.
This God maybe knew her heart and her dreams, so he did get the prince that she had been dreaming off all along, into her life. She was 20 now, she started earning when she was 19. In her spare time she volunteered to teach under privileged children English, since in most government schools, the medium of instruction was the vernacular language, but most employers asked for the knowledge of the global language. It was so satisfying when she came back to her class and the kids knew, remembered and used words that she had taught them, in their own sentences. However broken, it was still a beginning.
She now lived in Hyderabad, away from her parents, but their bond was just a strong. Her mom was her best friend, one who wouldn't forget you or leave your side ever. Moms are too cool. Whenever her friends asked her how she could share every tiny detail of her life with her mom, she would shrug her shoulders and say I just don't how I wouldn't! Her father, always the source of inspiration in life, always patient, always calm, always rational, always present like that big rock next to her grandparents house. Everything around it had changed, but it remained there, always, looking just like that, watching time go by, Anirudh and her would climb on it and feel like they are on top of the world. They would hide behind it when mom ran behind them to meet random guests, it would be their support when they, unmindful of dirt and sand then, would sit with their backs to it, with a book each in their hands. Yea, her father was like that rock.
She met Shaurya at work one day. They had a meeting before lunch, he was new and was meeting people to get to know the process and how things worked. He asked her if she was free for lunch, he didn't know too many people and eating alone was something he hated doing. She agreed and they went down to the office cafe. Many such lunches and coffees passed, while they got to know each other. There was something about Anu that drew Shaurya to her. She was a great listener, so the initial few times they met, he spoke to her a lot about how the new job was going, and what he is loving and what he was having trouble with and she would encourage and advise accordingly. There was something in her eyes, he thought, the way her eyes meet his, when they talk. Very few people do that, look directly into your eyes while talking to you. It can be intimidating, but Anu made it feel like she was reassuring him, that she understood and that she was always there to listen and help.
Or maybe it was her smile. That smile, those various smiles, each one meant a different thing. In time, he came to understand what emotion was hidden behind the way those lips curved. Or maybe it was her lips, they weren't pink, but it was two shades, dark brownish near the outside edges, turning light pink in the center. She never wore lipstick, so those were her natural double shaded lips. Or was it the fact that she was so simple. Most comfortable in a churidaar and kurta, even though the few times he had seen her in dresses, she looked beautiful. She didn't care about make up too much, the most she would wear is her kajal and eyeliner. So when they were absent, you knew she was upset about something. She was very filmy like that. Was it that then? Her passion and her extremes and her drama that made her special? Shaurya didn't know, what it was, was it all of these things together? They loved the same kind of music, sometimes, they would drive all the way to the airport, just because they liked the chai you got at that airport stall and the nankatai they served with it. And the road next to that food court was blocked, so they would go and sit on the divider and talk and sing. Once a policeman approached them asking them if they were drunk, but realised, they were just having fun and were harmless. So he let them be. As soon, as he turned his back, Shaurya started imitating him in the Hyderabadi accent. Shaurya's back was facing him, so he couldn't see that the policeman had come back and was listening to Shaurya mock him. Anu also let the drama unfold. The havaldaar poked Shaurya with his stick, almost causing him to spill his garam chai, and started mock hitting him with the stick. It was a memory she cherished! Oh how they had laughed after that, the havaldaar joined them as well.
Their friends thought Shaurya and Anu would eventually get married. It's one of those things you just knew about some couples. Anu eventually realised. She had major separation pangs when Shaurya would go home to Bihar. She didn't know what to do and would feel restless and anxious. Once after he came back from his village, she even fought with him, for no reason at all. She was so angry, and upset that Shaurya got scared. Had something happened at work, why was she crying and she wasn't one to lose her mind like this. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't see tears in those eyes, so he did the one thing he could think of. He rushed to her and hugged her tightly, while she continued crying uncontrollably. And then after some time when she calmed down, he made her sit and asked her what was wrong. All kinds of thoughts were running through Shaurya's mind. Was she hurt? Were her parents ok? Was everything ok at work? She was sitting on a bench and he was in front of her, sitting on his heels, with hands on her knees, he slowly said her name. When she looked up, her eyes were washed out just her eye liner on the upper eyelid remained, her face flushed with the force and emotion of the crying bout, she looked beautiful. Shaurya couldn't stop looking at her. The soft orange/gold light from the lampshade next to her, gave her a glow, that added to the beauty of that face. There was not a spot of make-up on it, and yet he thought there was nothing anyone could add to that face right now to make it more beautiful.
And he then heard her say " I think I am in love with you" And for a second he was shocked and then he laughed, he fell on his back and held his stomach and screeched with laughter. She was shocked, and the anger was returning to her face. He saw that and quickly got up and said "You realised just now? I've known it all along, I love you too Anu!" and then he hugged her tightly. She broke away from that hug and said " you knew? Why didn't you tell me" That made him laugh even more, and then he said "What! you think like a movie, I was supposed to come and tell you and that there will be music playing, and leaves flying, when I proclaim for the world to hear and for eternity, that I love you Anuradha !" That made her blush and he leaned forward and kissed her, like he hadn't kissed anyone before. With the feeling that she was his, to love, to pamper, to care for, for life. There was passion, but there was love too in that kiss. Both of them didn't want to break it, but when they did, they both laughed.
"So finally!" their friends said, to which Shaurya replied saying "Yes, Anu just realized it seems, after 5 years" It embarrassed her, but also made her smile. She told her parents of course, they were happy that she was happy. After 3 years of officially being a "couple" Shaurya and Anu wanted to get married. They had lived together in Hyderabad, and they knew each other inside out and loved each other for what they are. They fought like mad sometimes, but most of their fights were on nonsensical things. And they would admit it eventually at the end of the fight. And when he couldn't stay away from her more, or she couldn't cry more, they would make up. Such occasions were far and few. The beauty of their relationship was that they could be with each other and be perfectly happy. In fact even though they are both outgoing and social people and enjoyed meeting up with friends, they were most at peace when they were with each other, at home, he reading his book or working on his laptop and she either reading or writing. In that nothingness, there was love and happiness. They enjoyed their own company, they loved being alone, being alone together. What more could one want from a relationship?
One such rainy day, they were both in their living room, doing their own thing, when Shaurya's phone rang, he picked it up and he tensed up. Very rarely did Shaurya lose his composure, he got up from the diwaan and started pacing up and down and was speaking fast in Hindi, telling his mother not to cry, and that he will try to come as soon as possible and that his brother would come back and to tell dad not to worry. Something was seriously wrong. After he kept the phone, Anu went to touch his shoulder and then she hugged him from the back. She didn't ask anything, she wanted to give him time to go through what he was feeling before he could talk again. Something was seriously wrong.
He finally took a big breath and turned to face her. " I am sorry but I haven't told you something, my brother, Narendar has been arrested, he is...he is a part of....he sympathizes with...the maoists, He tries to live a regular life, but is a member of the party and its activities. The police have arrested him on suspicion of a recent attack on a political convoy." Anu closed her eyes, and told herself to calm down. When she opened them, she held his face in her hands, and said " you can tell me anything, I would have understood. As long as you are not influenced by the militant ideology, it's all ok. But right now, you need to be with your family. You should go. It will take you an entire day to reach your village anyway"
And for the first time, she saw tears in his eyes, she cupped his face tighter and kissed his forehead and assured him that she was there, always with him. She helped him pack his things, while he got ready, she booked him a flight ticket to Calcutta and from there to Bagdogra, the closest airport to his village. She drove to the airport and at the departure gate before entering past the security guards, they stopped. They were holding hands, tightly. She let go and hugged him tight and kissed him again on the cheek and asked him to call her once he reaches Calcutta. He nodded, and walked towards the door. And then he dropped his bag from his shoulder and walked towards her, to hug her again. She could sense his fears and his grief from his tense body. When you want to cry and can't cry, you force back those tears, your whole body shakes with the force and the effort that goes into not letting those feelings out. For some reason, for a brief second, Anu felt like he was going away forever. She brushed that thought aside and whispered to him, "you'll be back, it'll all be ok, take care of mom and dad. be strong" and then he walked towards the door again, picked up his bag and crossed the guards. She wanted him to look back and in her head, she kept saying " turn back, look at me once, please" and he turned, and raised his hand in goodbye. She smiled and waved back. As she drove back to the city, she could't take the silence in the car and put on the radio. And a song that they had sung in the car while driving to the airport in the past, started playing and for no reason, her heart ached and she cried. She wiped her tears and scolded herself for being silly and emotional. She stopped at their favorite biryani place and picked up a parcel for dinner. There was no way she could cook tonight. The rain had started to subside, it was just drizzling now, not pouring anymore.
She went home, finished her meal and called her parents and told them about Shaurya's trip. And her father for the first time in her life, didn't say anything. When she asked him if he was feeling ok and if his health was ok, he only said "maoist". She knew her father's ideology and how he hated anything violent, and especially naxalite mindless voilence, that had turned beautiful parts of the country barren and colorless, colorless except for the color of their ideology, Red. Anu reassured him saying, it was only his brother and Shaurya was and is nothing like that. Her father said "of course, of course, I was just thinking about the youth of this country" Anu smiled, her worried father. Worried for everything he can control, but mostly for things he can't control. It suddenly started to pour heavily again, she kept the phone down, saying she had to go shut the windows before the storm entered the house. While she was rushing, she tripped on the wires of the laptop charger and fell flat on the ground and hit her head on the table, there was a cut and she was bleeding. She cursed herself for not being careful and went to her bedroom to get a towel, she held the towel to her forehead to stop the bleeding, while she went about closing the doors. Once that was done, she went to the bathroom to get Dettol and some cotton to sterilize the cut. She winced when the Dettol soaked cotton touched her skin. She frowned at how big the cut was while looking at the mirror and then told herself not to think about it and went to sleep.
She woke up the next morning, a Sunday, to find two missed calls from Shaurya. He must have called her after reaching Calcutta and Bagdogra. She then checked the time, it was 2PM. She had slept through the morning, he must have even reached the village or must be on his way now. She tried calling him, but she knew that she couldn't get through to him now, till he reached home and called from the landline, there was signal on the roads he was travelling on. So she decided to wait. She went about doing her chores. It might be 2 PM, but the day did not start until she had her chai, so she sat with the day's newspaper and chai. She was trying to keep away the anxiety that had started to build up in her. The danger of where Shaurya was, began to dawn on her now. What if he was implicated in some manner, what if he never came back, what if his parents forced him to stay back. "Rubbish!" she said to herself and calmed herself down.
It was 7 PM now, no call from Shaurya, she tried the cell phone again. Switched off this time. Must be out of battery. But he should have reached home and should have given her a call from the landline. A day passed, 2 days passed, a week. She was now restless. She should've taken the landline number from him, how stupid of her. One evening, she woke up from her sleep screaming. She had dreamt of Shaurya walking towards someone who was pointing a gun at him, and when he was close enough for her to see his eyelashes, those long curly eyelashes, she heard a gunshot. He was shot and he fell on his back. And she woke up. She chided herself for dreaming up these bollywood depiction of naxalites and told herself that nothing of the sort would happen. He was probably busy with everything. Maybe the phone lines were down, after all it was monsoon. She looked at the clock next to their bed, and saw that it was only 10 PM, she must have dozed off when she came back from work. She got down from the bed and stepped on something soft, she looked down and saw Shaurya's sweater. She had taken it out of the wardrobe, to smell him, it must have dropped off when she drifted off into her sleep.
She picked it up and smiled at her drama and was putting it back in the cupboard, when the bell rang. She wondered who it could be. When she opened the door, Shaurya was standing his face looking down, he hadn't shaved for a week and wasn't looking too good.. She screamed and hugged him, the bag dropped from his shoulder. He looked up and looked at her face, it was almost like he had aged, way beyond his 27 years. They went inside the house. She mock screamed at him for not keeping in touch, and he kept looking at her unblinkingly. She went on and on and on, and finally realised, he was just staring at her for the past 10 minutes. And she slowly walked to him and said his name, "Shaurya, are you ok, are you tired? you must be, come sit, why are you standing, I'll switch on the geyser, take a bath, shave nicely, there is some chicken curry I made, the red one you like, I'll heat that up with rice also, Shaurya, say something" And he said, " I am leaving tomorrow, just came here to say bye and give my resignation, Narendar was killed by the police. He was a part of a group that did the violence and killed people. My family is shattered. His wife of 1 year......she is....I am marrying her, it's what is best for the family".
For a brief moment, Anu felt like she was still in that dream of hers, so she closed her eyes tightly, wishing that when she opened it, she would realise that she was still in bed, dreaming. But when she did, she saw Shaurya standing there, exactly how he was 5 minutes back. He came forward to try and touch her and comfort her. She stepped back. There in that moment, there was anger in her, uncontrollable anger, the kind she would feel as a teenager when Anirudh tore her favorite book, because she teased him about a eating a chocolate. That anger, that rage, that desire to strike Shaurya with something. To hurt him. But with that anger also came immense powerlessness. It was like the energy from her body was seeping away, she didn't even know how she was standing, her legs felt wobbly inside, but they were standing firm, like a mountain, like that rock at her grandparent's house. What was she thinking, her thoughts were all over the place.
"Please Anu, I know you won't understand, I don't expect you to. But please say something, hit me, cry, scream, please" With that he fell down, kneeling at her feet he held her legs, and sobbed. For forgiveness, for what he had done to her. She knelt down beside him and held his chin to make him look at her. And then she kissed his eyes. There were no tears in hers, it was like she didn't even exist inside this body that belonged to some Anu. And slowly she said, almost like a whisper " Go ". "Anu please, please let me be with you for this night, I will not talk, I don't want to touch you, I just want to sit in a corner and watch you, please Anu. One last night, please" . She repeated her word " Go" And he got up, sobbing, picked up his bag and walked to the door, he stopped when he reached it and looked back at her. She had her back to him, and she was still on the floor, kneeling down, sitting straight. And he stepped out and closed the door behind him...Anu collapsed on the floor after he left, eyes still open, she lay on the floor, her knees up to her chest, as she hugged herself and cried and for the first time in her life, she asked her God... "Why"
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
हो , रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
मेरा नाम इश्क़ ,तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़, तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़, तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम तेरा नाम
मेरा नाम इश्क़
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
यह ठंडा चाँद पकड़ लूं
यह काली रात जकड लूं
यह ठंडा चाँद पकड़ लूं
दिन रात के बैरी भेद का
रुख मोड़ के मैं रख दूं
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़ , तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम तेरा नाम
मेरा नाम इश्क़
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
Siddharth - Garima
Laal Ishq, Goliyon Ki Raasleela, Ram-Leela
Anuradha was just like any regular Indian girl. But, also in many ways not. Everything for her was larger than life. There was nothing in her upbringing to suggest that life was meant to be lived big size. Her father was an IAS officer. And as much as we hear only about the corrupt ones today, there are quite a few honest ones, who do their jobs, serve the country to the best of their ability. Her father was one of those honest kinds and his government income meant that things had to be rationed, from the very beginning. There were specific days when non-veg was made at home : Wednesday and Sundays. They used to eat out only on special occasions. And frankly they weren't fans of eating out as well. Anu's mom was a brilliant cook, and given a choice, they would always prefer their mothers meals to restaurant fare. But then, moms need a break too, once in a while. However much we think of them as superhuman beings, they are at the end of it just human. Anu had a younger brother, Anirudh, they had a sugar and spice relationship. They didn't share their deepest desires with each other. In fact there were times, where if you had given them a weapon, they would have shot each other without a second's hesitation. Younger brothers tend to be irritating creatures. But there times, when they silently loved each other too. And Anirudh would come and sit in her room when she was studying for exams just so he could clear his mind. They would talk sometimes, but most times, they would just be in each others company. Silently going through tough times together. Of course, when we were children, tough times meant exams. They grew up to be quite civil to each other. And now they can talk to each other without breaking things in the house. In fact, Anu still remembers a time when her parents had gone out for dinner and Anirudh and she had fought, and he had slapped her and she was bleeding. When their parents came back home, their usually quiet and patient father dragged Anirudh out and asked him to stand outside the house for 30 mins. Even then, Anu felt a mix of pain and a "the bugger deserves it" feeling. But it was on her insistence that father finally bought him in after 10 minutes.
Even though income was limited, their parents never made them feel like they were inferior to anyone. Anu always understood the situation though and very rarely would she ask for something. She had a fascination for stationary. Stepping into a stationary store, however small and dingy and dimly lit, was like Disneyland for her. In the 90s ink pens were big! They always caught her fancy in these stores and she would ask the store uncle to pull out pens for her and try them out on strips of newspapers that were stapled together for this very purpose. The store uncle knowing her liking, would oblige her by showing all the different kinds, the Japanese one, the Chinese ones etc, while her mom bought the monthly school supplies. But never once did she buy one. Simply because it was too big a luxury to ask for when there were other important things that the 100 Rupee note could be used for. Anirudh was the spoilt child, and her parents indulged him as well. But Anu, never felt any animosity or a lost opportunity whenever he got things. She was too naive, simple and giving for those feelings.
Eventually father got promoted and their income increased, and slowly they could afford some things that were previously way out of reach. She still remembers when father and mother took them to a Nike outlet store far away from Delhi, to get Anirudh and her their first pair of "branded shoes". Until then Bata and local makes were good enough for their games. When she slipped her feet into a pair of pink and silver colored Nike sports shoes, Anu felt like she hadn't worn anything as wonderful as that and when she tried walking in them, she thought she was floating on clouds. They bought her that pair and she wore them from Class X1 to 2nd year of college. Oh those precious things.
So nothing in her childhood spoke about luxury. But then you don't need to wear expensive clothes, travel in expensive cars or eat at expensive restaurants to have dreams that are beyond imagination. And her dreams were not that she would be rich enough one day to be able to afford all of these things. Her dreams were of growing up, wearing the lovely pastel color saris her mother wore, carrying them as gracefully as mother does. Of doing good to her country and to her people. Of waking up and going to a job that made a difference however small, and that made her happy. Of reading everything that everyone had ever written. When her father took her to her first public library, she was in class 5 and she picked up a Nancy Drew novel. It was the first book she had read and she couldn't stop after that, reading was a passion that gave her pleasure that no other thing did. Other than maybe mother's mallu kanni (or pepper water/rasam) when she was down with flu. oh that feeling. ok, I drift from the story.
She wanted to be independent. Her parents had done so much for her. She now wanted to give back to them, not monetarily only, but she just wanted to make them proud. She wanted to start earning early, so that they could focus on Anirudh's education and his college fees. She wanted to study and maybe teach one day, that would make her father so so happy. She wanted to fall in love, the way people fall in love in books and in movies. She wanted this person to make her world go round, to want to wake up with him everyday and for his face to be the last thing she saw before she slept. But no one told her, that the romances she was looking for were found only in "good books and bad movies", as someone had said in some movie. But she had this undying belief and faith in romance and felt that there is someone who would understand the very depth of her being, someone she would eventually meet, someday, somehow, but for sure. That she was convinced of.
Her mother had once told her that God looks down from heaven and sees his children, and hears their prayers, holds their hand in turbulent times in life, gives them the strength to go on and that he wouldn't throw a problem your way, if he knew you couldn't handle it. Anu always believed in that God. And she knew he was inside her. She had a very personal relationship with him. Their mother would make them say their prayers before they closed their eyes to sleep at night. And sometimes Anu would cheat because she was just too tired, so she would close her eyes and say those prayers in her head, and drift off into sleep halfway through. But she knew her love for God and his love for her, didn't depend on whether she completed a particular shloka or not. She always remembered to thank him for everything and to bless her family in the future as well. That was the part she never forgot, the rest was all supplementary in her head.
This God maybe knew her heart and her dreams, so he did get the prince that she had been dreaming off all along, into her life. She was 20 now, she started earning when she was 19. In her spare time she volunteered to teach under privileged children English, since in most government schools, the medium of instruction was the vernacular language, but most employers asked for the knowledge of the global language. It was so satisfying when she came back to her class and the kids knew, remembered and used words that she had taught them, in their own sentences. However broken, it was still a beginning.
She now lived in Hyderabad, away from her parents, but their bond was just a strong. Her mom was her best friend, one who wouldn't forget you or leave your side ever. Moms are too cool. Whenever her friends asked her how she could share every tiny detail of her life with her mom, she would shrug her shoulders and say I just don't how I wouldn't! Her father, always the source of inspiration in life, always patient, always calm, always rational, always present like that big rock next to her grandparents house. Everything around it had changed, but it remained there, always, looking just like that, watching time go by, Anirudh and her would climb on it and feel like they are on top of the world. They would hide behind it when mom ran behind them to meet random guests, it would be their support when they, unmindful of dirt and sand then, would sit with their backs to it, with a book each in their hands. Yea, her father was like that rock.
She met Shaurya at work one day. They had a meeting before lunch, he was new and was meeting people to get to know the process and how things worked. He asked her if she was free for lunch, he didn't know too many people and eating alone was something he hated doing. She agreed and they went down to the office cafe. Many such lunches and coffees passed, while they got to know each other. There was something about Anu that drew Shaurya to her. She was a great listener, so the initial few times they met, he spoke to her a lot about how the new job was going, and what he is loving and what he was having trouble with and she would encourage and advise accordingly. There was something in her eyes, he thought, the way her eyes meet his, when they talk. Very few people do that, look directly into your eyes while talking to you. It can be intimidating, but Anu made it feel like she was reassuring him, that she understood and that she was always there to listen and help.
Or maybe it was her smile. That smile, those various smiles, each one meant a different thing. In time, he came to understand what emotion was hidden behind the way those lips curved. Or maybe it was her lips, they weren't pink, but it was two shades, dark brownish near the outside edges, turning light pink in the center. She never wore lipstick, so those were her natural double shaded lips. Or was it the fact that she was so simple. Most comfortable in a churidaar and kurta, even though the few times he had seen her in dresses, she looked beautiful. She didn't care about make up too much, the most she would wear is her kajal and eyeliner. So when they were absent, you knew she was upset about something. She was very filmy like that. Was it that then? Her passion and her extremes and her drama that made her special? Shaurya didn't know, what it was, was it all of these things together? They loved the same kind of music, sometimes, they would drive all the way to the airport, just because they liked the chai you got at that airport stall and the nankatai they served with it. And the road next to that food court was blocked, so they would go and sit on the divider and talk and sing. Once a policeman approached them asking them if they were drunk, but realised, they were just having fun and were harmless. So he let them be. As soon, as he turned his back, Shaurya started imitating him in the Hyderabadi accent. Shaurya's back was facing him, so he couldn't see that the policeman had come back and was listening to Shaurya mock him. Anu also let the drama unfold. The havaldaar poked Shaurya with his stick, almost causing him to spill his garam chai, and started mock hitting him with the stick. It was a memory she cherished! Oh how they had laughed after that, the havaldaar joined them as well.
Their friends thought Shaurya and Anu would eventually get married. It's one of those things you just knew about some couples. Anu eventually realised. She had major separation pangs when Shaurya would go home to Bihar. She didn't know what to do and would feel restless and anxious. Once after he came back from his village, she even fought with him, for no reason at all. She was so angry, and upset that Shaurya got scared. Had something happened at work, why was she crying and she wasn't one to lose her mind like this. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't see tears in those eyes, so he did the one thing he could think of. He rushed to her and hugged her tightly, while she continued crying uncontrollably. And then after some time when she calmed down, he made her sit and asked her what was wrong. All kinds of thoughts were running through Shaurya's mind. Was she hurt? Were her parents ok? Was everything ok at work? She was sitting on a bench and he was in front of her, sitting on his heels, with hands on her knees, he slowly said her name. When she looked up, her eyes were washed out just her eye liner on the upper eyelid remained, her face flushed with the force and emotion of the crying bout, she looked beautiful. Shaurya couldn't stop looking at her. The soft orange/gold light from the lampshade next to her, gave her a glow, that added to the beauty of that face. There was not a spot of make-up on it, and yet he thought there was nothing anyone could add to that face right now to make it more beautiful.
And he then heard her say " I think I am in love with you" And for a second he was shocked and then he laughed, he fell on his back and held his stomach and screeched with laughter. She was shocked, and the anger was returning to her face. He saw that and quickly got up and said "You realised just now? I've known it all along, I love you too Anu!" and then he hugged her tightly. She broke away from that hug and said " you knew? Why didn't you tell me" That made him laugh even more, and then he said "What! you think like a movie, I was supposed to come and tell you and that there will be music playing, and leaves flying, when I proclaim for the world to hear and for eternity, that I love you Anuradha !" That made her blush and he leaned forward and kissed her, like he hadn't kissed anyone before. With the feeling that she was his, to love, to pamper, to care for, for life. There was passion, but there was love too in that kiss. Both of them didn't want to break it, but when they did, they both laughed.
"So finally!" their friends said, to which Shaurya replied saying "Yes, Anu just realized it seems, after 5 years" It embarrassed her, but also made her smile. She told her parents of course, they were happy that she was happy. After 3 years of officially being a "couple" Shaurya and Anu wanted to get married. They had lived together in Hyderabad, and they knew each other inside out and loved each other for what they are. They fought like mad sometimes, but most of their fights were on nonsensical things. And they would admit it eventually at the end of the fight. And when he couldn't stay away from her more, or she couldn't cry more, they would make up. Such occasions were far and few. The beauty of their relationship was that they could be with each other and be perfectly happy. In fact even though they are both outgoing and social people and enjoyed meeting up with friends, they were most at peace when they were with each other, at home, he reading his book or working on his laptop and she either reading or writing. In that nothingness, there was love and happiness. They enjoyed their own company, they loved being alone, being alone together. What more could one want from a relationship?
One such rainy day, they were both in their living room, doing their own thing, when Shaurya's phone rang, he picked it up and he tensed up. Very rarely did Shaurya lose his composure, he got up from the diwaan and started pacing up and down and was speaking fast in Hindi, telling his mother not to cry, and that he will try to come as soon as possible and that his brother would come back and to tell dad not to worry. Something was seriously wrong. After he kept the phone, Anu went to touch his shoulder and then she hugged him from the back. She didn't ask anything, she wanted to give him time to go through what he was feeling before he could talk again. Something was seriously wrong.
He finally took a big breath and turned to face her. " I am sorry but I haven't told you something, my brother, Narendar has been arrested, he is...he is a part of....he sympathizes with...the maoists, He tries to live a regular life, but is a member of the party and its activities. The police have arrested him on suspicion of a recent attack on a political convoy." Anu closed her eyes, and told herself to calm down. When she opened them, she held his face in her hands, and said " you can tell me anything, I would have understood. As long as you are not influenced by the militant ideology, it's all ok. But right now, you need to be with your family. You should go. It will take you an entire day to reach your village anyway"
And for the first time, she saw tears in his eyes, she cupped his face tighter and kissed his forehead and assured him that she was there, always with him. She helped him pack his things, while he got ready, she booked him a flight ticket to Calcutta and from there to Bagdogra, the closest airport to his village. She drove to the airport and at the departure gate before entering past the security guards, they stopped. They were holding hands, tightly. She let go and hugged him tight and kissed him again on the cheek and asked him to call her once he reaches Calcutta. He nodded, and walked towards the door. And then he dropped his bag from his shoulder and walked towards her, to hug her again. She could sense his fears and his grief from his tense body. When you want to cry and can't cry, you force back those tears, your whole body shakes with the force and the effort that goes into not letting those feelings out. For some reason, for a brief second, Anu felt like he was going away forever. She brushed that thought aside and whispered to him, "you'll be back, it'll all be ok, take care of mom and dad. be strong" and then he walked towards the door again, picked up his bag and crossed the guards. She wanted him to look back and in her head, she kept saying " turn back, look at me once, please" and he turned, and raised his hand in goodbye. She smiled and waved back. As she drove back to the city, she could't take the silence in the car and put on the radio. And a song that they had sung in the car while driving to the airport in the past, started playing and for no reason, her heart ached and she cried. She wiped her tears and scolded herself for being silly and emotional. She stopped at their favorite biryani place and picked up a parcel for dinner. There was no way she could cook tonight. The rain had started to subside, it was just drizzling now, not pouring anymore.
She went home, finished her meal and called her parents and told them about Shaurya's trip. And her father for the first time in her life, didn't say anything. When she asked him if he was feeling ok and if his health was ok, he only said "maoist". She knew her father's ideology and how he hated anything violent, and especially naxalite mindless voilence, that had turned beautiful parts of the country barren and colorless, colorless except for the color of their ideology, Red. Anu reassured him saying, it was only his brother and Shaurya was and is nothing like that. Her father said "of course, of course, I was just thinking about the youth of this country" Anu smiled, her worried father. Worried for everything he can control, but mostly for things he can't control. It suddenly started to pour heavily again, she kept the phone down, saying she had to go shut the windows before the storm entered the house. While she was rushing, she tripped on the wires of the laptop charger and fell flat on the ground and hit her head on the table, there was a cut and she was bleeding. She cursed herself for not being careful and went to her bedroom to get a towel, she held the towel to her forehead to stop the bleeding, while she went about closing the doors. Once that was done, she went to the bathroom to get Dettol and some cotton to sterilize the cut. She winced when the Dettol soaked cotton touched her skin. She frowned at how big the cut was while looking at the mirror and then told herself not to think about it and went to sleep.
She woke up the next morning, a Sunday, to find two missed calls from Shaurya. He must have called her after reaching Calcutta and Bagdogra. She then checked the time, it was 2PM. She had slept through the morning, he must have even reached the village or must be on his way now. She tried calling him, but she knew that she couldn't get through to him now, till he reached home and called from the landline, there was signal on the roads he was travelling on. So she decided to wait. She went about doing her chores. It might be 2 PM, but the day did not start until she had her chai, so she sat with the day's newspaper and chai. She was trying to keep away the anxiety that had started to build up in her. The danger of where Shaurya was, began to dawn on her now. What if he was implicated in some manner, what if he never came back, what if his parents forced him to stay back. "Rubbish!" she said to herself and calmed herself down.
It was 7 PM now, no call from Shaurya, she tried the cell phone again. Switched off this time. Must be out of battery. But he should have reached home and should have given her a call from the landline. A day passed, 2 days passed, a week. She was now restless. She should've taken the landline number from him, how stupid of her. One evening, she woke up from her sleep screaming. She had dreamt of Shaurya walking towards someone who was pointing a gun at him, and when he was close enough for her to see his eyelashes, those long curly eyelashes, she heard a gunshot. He was shot and he fell on his back. And she woke up. She chided herself for dreaming up these bollywood depiction of naxalites and told herself that nothing of the sort would happen. He was probably busy with everything. Maybe the phone lines were down, after all it was monsoon. She looked at the clock next to their bed, and saw that it was only 10 PM, she must have dozed off when she came back from work. She got down from the bed and stepped on something soft, she looked down and saw Shaurya's sweater. She had taken it out of the wardrobe, to smell him, it must have dropped off when she drifted off into her sleep.
She picked it up and smiled at her drama and was putting it back in the cupboard, when the bell rang. She wondered who it could be. When she opened the door, Shaurya was standing his face looking down, he hadn't shaved for a week and wasn't looking too good.. She screamed and hugged him, the bag dropped from his shoulder. He looked up and looked at her face, it was almost like he had aged, way beyond his 27 years. They went inside the house. She mock screamed at him for not keeping in touch, and he kept looking at her unblinkingly. She went on and on and on, and finally realised, he was just staring at her for the past 10 minutes. And she slowly walked to him and said his name, "Shaurya, are you ok, are you tired? you must be, come sit, why are you standing, I'll switch on the geyser, take a bath, shave nicely, there is some chicken curry I made, the red one you like, I'll heat that up with rice also, Shaurya, say something" And he said, " I am leaving tomorrow, just came here to say bye and give my resignation, Narendar was killed by the police. He was a part of a group that did the violence and killed people. My family is shattered. His wife of 1 year......she is....I am marrying her, it's what is best for the family".
For a brief moment, Anu felt like she was still in that dream of hers, so she closed her eyes tightly, wishing that when she opened it, she would realise that she was still in bed, dreaming. But when she did, she saw Shaurya standing there, exactly how he was 5 minutes back. He came forward to try and touch her and comfort her. She stepped back. There in that moment, there was anger in her, uncontrollable anger, the kind she would feel as a teenager when Anirudh tore her favorite book, because she teased him about a eating a chocolate. That anger, that rage, that desire to strike Shaurya with something. To hurt him. But with that anger also came immense powerlessness. It was like the energy from her body was seeping away, she didn't even know how she was standing, her legs felt wobbly inside, but they were standing firm, like a mountain, like that rock at her grandparent's house. What was she thinking, her thoughts were all over the place.
"Please Anu, I know you won't understand, I don't expect you to. But please say something, hit me, cry, scream, please" With that he fell down, kneeling at her feet he held her legs, and sobbed. For forgiveness, for what he had done to her. She knelt down beside him and held his chin to make him look at her. And then she kissed his eyes. There were no tears in hers, it was like she didn't even exist inside this body that belonged to some Anu. And slowly she said, almost like a whisper " Go ". "Anu please, please let me be with you for this night, I will not talk, I don't want to touch you, I just want to sit in a corner and watch you, please Anu. One last night, please" . She repeated her word " Go" And he got up, sobbing, picked up his bag and walked to the door, he stopped when he reached it and looked back at her. She had her back to him, and she was still on the floor, kneeling down, sitting straight. And he stepped out and closed the door behind him...Anu collapsed on the floor after he left, eyes still open, she lay on the floor, her knees up to her chest, as she hugged herself and cried and for the first time in her life, she asked her God... "Why"
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
तुझ संग बैर लगाया ऐसा
रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
हो , रहा ना मैं फिर अपने जैसा
मेरा नाम इश्क़ ,तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़, तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम इश्क़, तेरा नाम इश्क़
मेरा नाम तेरा नाम
मेरा नाम इश्क़
यह लाल इश्क़
यह मलाल इश्क़
यह ऐब इश्क़
यह बैर इश्क़
Is this your own story?
ReplyDelete:) Yes and No.
ReplyDeleteIt is my story because i've written it. But it is not the story of my life.